Point of Contact - A Communications Skills Blog

Dear online retailer

2012-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

How nice of you to start sending me e-mails this week, telling me that you want me back. In fact, it is very kind of you to remember me at all, since I haven't ordered from you in years. Since it has been a while, I thought I might clue you in on why I have been gone so long.

You see, you sell all sorts of things – and way back before iTunes got really big, you even used to sell downloadable music. Back then, I bought a lot of songs from you. But then one day, one of these songs I purchased was a corrupt file that wouldn't play. Downloaded it a couple of times, in fact, to be sure it wasn't me.

"No biggie," I thought. "I'll just e-mail customer service and let them know. They will appreciate hearing about the problem, and I will get my 99 cents back." What happened instead was one of the most ridiculous bureaucratic ordeals I have had with any consumer product.

First I received an e-mail, written in marginal English, telling me that you would "investigate" the problem, and would then inform me of the results of the investigation – and that after this process was complete, you would then decide whether I would receive my 99 cents back. *Weeks* go by. I cannot resist the curiosity of asking about the status of this. A good while later, I receive a response telling me that you are still investigating this, and that you cannot respond to my request for a refund until this investigation has been completed.

Some time after that, long after I first contacted you, good news! Your "investigation" was now complete, and you were now finally prepared to refund my 99 cents!

Meanwhile, as a former customer support executive – and now as a customer service author and speaker – I was curious about why this involved such a long, drawn-out process. After all, we were talking about a sum that was probably less than what it costs you to send one of these e-mails – unless, perhaps, your offshore customer contact staff were being paid in agricultural products and small farm animals. So I wrote a polite note to one of your senior executives. And, of course, never got so much as a harrumph from the corner office.

So meanwhile, back to your recent e-mails wanting me back. First, I have a question for you: given what was involved in getting my 99 cents back, how much trust do you feel I should have in ordering, say, a $1500 laptop from you? Or a $200 digital camera? Get back to me on that one, OK? I don't mind waiting a few more weeks.

Interviewing skills: Common wisdom versus reality

2012-01-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

As a longtime former hiring manager, I often get a kick out of reading articles on how to act during a job interview – because there is so much in them that is just plain wrong. Especially now, in today's tight job market. Let's take a look at the "common wisdom" that is often in print about interviewing, and hold it up against reality:

Common wisdom: Say nothing but positive things about yourself. Never admit weaknesses.

Reality: Do you have co-workers – or relatives – who never admit to any weakness, and always have to be right? They are a pain in the neck, aren't they? You don't want to come across like them. It is much better, as a person and as an interviewee, to "own" both your strengths and your legitimate weaknesses. And forget about that trick of substituting a strength for a weakness, like, "I work too hard" – hiring managers have seen through that one for years.

There is an even more important reason you need to be proud of strengths and authentic about your weaknesses: your credibility. Especially if you've been out of the workforce for a while. Many hiring managers – including me – have had the experience of getting "yessed" by someone who is desperate for a job, and then getting burned. Trust me, you don't want to smell like these candidates. So when you can tell an interviewer, "I'm great at A, B, and C, I can easily learn D, E, and F, and I'm absolutely horrible at X and Y," BAM! Instant credibility.

Common wisdom: List as many duties and accomplishments as possible on your resume. You never know which one will "stick."

Reality: Less is more. Emphasize your biggest successes and summarize everything else. Yes, keywords are sometimes important, but so is white space: focus on the things you are the very best at, or your biggest goals.

Be aware that an endless laundry list of projects and skills can stereotype you. As a hiring manager, I used to refer to these densely-packed, buzzword-laden resumes as MEGO (My Eyes Glaze Over) resumes – and their authors were usually mediocre at everything and masters of nothing. Always go for quality over quantity.

Common wisdom: Stay formal and professional throughout the interview. Don't let your guard down for "small talk" beforehand or afterwards from interviewers.

Reality: This is a tricky one. Of course, you don't want to come across as someone who talks too much or lacks boundaries. But the opposite is sometimes even more dangerous. Your qualifications are important, but so is how much interviewers like you as a person. If you are hired, you will probably spend more time with these people than your own family, and chemistry is what hiring managers lay awake at night about. Small talk is a preview of what you will be like to work with, so err on the side of being friendly, open and genuine – not just a professionally competent robot.

Common wisdom: Interviews are a competition to show you are better than others.

Reality: People rarely – if ever – "blow" an interview. Even if they are very nervous or forgetful. If you really have the best professional or personal skills for the job, it will show. The purpose of an interview is to discover who you really are. Prepare well, research the position and the company, and then do the one single thing that will most help you get the job: relax and be yourself.

The self-employment quiz

2011-12-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

I am very proud of having been successfully self-employed for nearly 15 years, covering most of my time since the mid-1990s. So as you could imagine, lots of people ask me for advice about starting their own business. I am always happy to oblige. But people are often surprised that I don't focus on business plans, financing, competition, or anything like that.

To me, the mental game is much more important. Watching lots of other successful and less-than-successful entrepreneurs over time, the differences are crystal clear to me between those who succeed at this and those who don't. In fact, I could boil it down into a simple quiz. Try it yourself, and see how you do.

1. Can you name at least two people – real people you personally know – who make a good, full-time living at what you do?

People often think they have to pick something "unique" that no one else has done before. But the people I know who succeed generally pick things lots of people already pay for, and do it better than anyone else.

2. On a scale of 1-to-10, how good you are at what you plan to do?

If you aren't a nine or ten, please keep thinking. Employees can afford to be "good enough." But the most successful self-employed people I know completely blow their clients away with good service and great work, whether they mow lawns or speak to thousands.

3. What do other people say about working with you? Really?

Comparing two of my own areas of work, I often joke that I am more of a therapist for my writing clients than I am as a (real) therapist. Genuinely liking people, listening to them, and having a real interest in their lives, businesses and success is a common denominator among nearly every successful entrepreneur I know.

4. How do you react when something costs you time or money?

The single most important reason I have remained self-employed is one most people would never think of: I am always polite and professional when things go wrong.

Something amazing happens when you shift gears from a paycheck to a world of cash flow. People slow-roll your invoices. They wake up with "brilliant ideas" that force you to do their projects all over again. They cancel appointments at the last minute. They tell you for months that a contract is a "go," and then no it isn't.

Listen carefully: these things always happen when you are self-employed. If you react with anger, annoyance, or self-interest to them, you are finished. You can't play in our sandbox. You will silently get put on people's pain-in-the-ass list and never get called again, by them and all the people they talk to. And you will probably never even know what hit you.

For me personally? Had I succumbed to human nature when things went wrong, I would have lost the majority of my current clients. Simple as that.

5. Do you get along with your competitors?

Other people in my field are my best buddies. We celebrate each others' successes and learn from each other. And refer thousands of dollars worth of business to each other. Suppose someone wants a speaker on a date I'm not free, or a therapist who uses a different approach than mine? I send them to people I know and like.

Many would-be entrepreneurs view the world through a competitive lens. Ask yourself a simple question: do you want others in your field to tell people how great you are, or why they shouldn't work with you? Mindshare is everything in a small, connected world.

Did you notice something interesting about this quiz? Not a word about what kind of business you should be in. Because it doesn't matter. I see people succeed – and fail – in any kind of business you could imagine (as long as you re-read question number 1 about what people already pay for), and generally for exactly the same reasons.

Does this all sound pretty straightforward? Good. It should. But here is what amazes me: the (many) people who flunk this simple test nearly always fail, and those who pass it generally succeed – even in this economy. How do you score?

Collaboration versus competition: An interview with author Lynn Serafinn

2011-11-30T21:10:00.000-08:00

Today I have the great pleasure of being the host on Day 4 of the Virtual Blog Tour of author Lynn Serafinn, whose book The 7 Graces of Marketing: How to heal humanity and the planet by changing the way we sell launches on Amazon on Tuesday, December 13, 2011.

First, a little about our guest. Lynn is the queen of mind-body-spirit books, and has probably helped launch more Amazon.com #1 bestsellers in this genre than anyone in history. And she is a great friend and colleague. Here is the official bio:

Lynn Serafinn, MAED, CPCC is a certified, award-winning coach and teacher, marketer, social media expert, radio host, speaker and bestselling author. Her eclectic approach to marketing incorporates her vast professional experience in the music industry and the educational sector along with more than two decades of study and practice of the spirituality of India. In her work as a promotional manager she has produced a long list of bestselling mind-body-spirit authors. Passionate about re-establishing our connection with the Earth, she supports the work of the Transition Town network in her hometown of Bedford, England.

Yesterday, Lynn visited Freya from BookBuzzr, where they talked about purpose and 7 Relationships/Sins in marketing. Today, I'd like to share a recent interview where I got to ask Lynn some questions on collaboration, getting started and her personal music career. I hope you enjoy it!

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Rich Gallagher: You and I have something in common: we don't see other people in our profession as competitors. But when I share this view with others, they often look at me like I have three heads. What would you say to convince others that collaboration beats competition?

Lynn Serafinn: I totally understand what you are saying, Rich. And I believe a lot of the reason why people look at folks like you and me as if we have three heads is because the whole “myth” of competition is something we have been fed since we were very young. I cannot count how many times my parents (especially my father) used to talk about competition as being “the” thing that makes the human race—and our economy—stronger. My dad used to cite the whole “survival of the fittest” argument, saying it was a scientific part of natural evolution. But what I found out when I started researching this book and speaking on the subject was that this was actually a common myth we in the Western world have embraced.

Speaking for myself, when I was growing up in the “Cold War” era, the argument for competition was actually part of the propaganda used to justify capitalism versus communism/socialism: We were told that if we didn’t have competing economies, everyone would become lazy and wouldn’t bother to work. Also, we were taught that competition was equivalent to economic freedom, when in truth these two things are very different. When we “fuse” together two ideas into one, that is neither one nor the other, it becomes what I refer to as a “collapsed belief”. And collapsed beliefs can be very dangerous, when they are used to sway public opinion. This whole notion of collapsed beliefs is something I return to again and again in the book.

While I’m not saying any “ism” is better than another (in fact, all “ism’s” become rigid and dysfunctional if they become a set of collapsed beliefs rather than dynamic systems that serve society), what I am saying is our belief in the value of competition is something many of us have passively accepted as an absolute truth over the past 100 years, when in fact it is something we have been taught through the “marketing” of politics and big businesses.

Ok, now, getting back to your question about what I would say to convince others that collaboration beats competition, here are some starting points. First, there have been many studies done that show that competition actually makes us less innovative, creative and daring in our work. A book I would cite that has loads of examples of this is Alfie Kohn’s book No Contest: The Case Against Competition, how we lose in our race to win. In that book, he cites numerous examples of how competition actually results in lower quality performance in everything from business to schoolchildren.

In my own experience as a career musician in the past, I have seen how competition can shut down creative expression, and limit the artist in just so many ways. In the natural world, although we have been led to believe that “evolution” means “survival of the fittest”, this is actually a belief that was created by 19th US and UK capitalists. In Nature, no such thing actually exists. Life is a permaculture—everything is interdependent. If we compete at the expense of others in our economy, we harm the whole economic organism of our society. This is really the main them of my entire book.

Rich Gallagher: The single biggest question I get from would-be entrepreneurs - and perhaps the greatest force pulling them toward old-school interruptive marketing - is "how do I get started in business?" How would you answer this?

Lynn Serafinn: My answer would be that if they really want to succeed in business, they need to shift away from a “hunter” to a “farmer” mentality. In other words, instead of focusing on making the quick “kill” (or sale), focus on planting seeds that will grow and generate seeds of their own. This is hard for new business owners, because it takes a lot of courage to survive through the first year or two of ANY business, during which time you quite likely to lose more money than you make. Surviving through that loss takes a lot of faith. Think of how seeds are when they are beneath the earth, but not yet sprouted. You don’t see that they are actually developing and growing because they are not visible to your eyes. But if you lose faith they will yield fruit, and as a result stop bothering to water them, they will die and you will indeed end up with nothing. That’s the point that so many new business owners end up going back to employment, giving up on their dreams.

Here’s a scenario I have seen again and again in clients, even those who have been in business for years: They start to panic when their business is struggling economically. And instead of thinking, “How can I be more innovative and adaptive, and create something that will take me forward?” they think, “How can I get out of this mess right away?” That is when they frequently resort to aggressive “interruptive” marketing strategies. But in my experience, while this might (not always!) bring some short-term results (like “the kill”), it frequently doesn’t align with the values, dreams and goals of the business owner, and hence there is a “disconnect” between the business owner, his business and his audience.

It helps to have a support network of colleagues who understand this kind of thinking. That’s one of the reasons why I am establishing a 7 Graces Global Community in 2012. I’ll be telling you more about that in the New Year, Rich.

Rich Gallagher: You start off your book with a great story about trying to make it in the music business (and many readers might not realize you once had a #1 trance hit). Ever dream of returning?

Lynn Serafinn: That’s such a funny question, Rich. Well, I have no dream of returning back to the electronic music scene (although psych-trance has still got to be my favourite kind of music). In the chapter on “Deadly Sin of Scarcity” in the book, you’ll also read about how electronic musicians so often get hooked on spending a lot to obtain all the latest equipment through very clever (and insidious) use of “perceived obsolescence” in marketing. That was a never-ending hamster wheel back when I was in the industry, and I never want to get on that ride again!

However, for some reason, I’ve been SINGING a lot lately. In fact, I can’t seem to stop singing. I was a singer for many years in my youth, and gave it up when I chose to focus on being a symphony violinist. But now my voice seems to want to wake up again. Symbolic? At age 57 (quite nearly…my birthday’s in January), I have no desire to start my career in music over yet again, but who knows? Maybe I’ll try out for the X-Factor, and show them how you can bring The Grace of Collaboration into a so-called competition.

(P.S. Rich here – I hope I'm not embarrassing Lynn, but here is a link to one of her trance hits on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsZnxQ63AqY. Enjoy!)

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I hope you enjoyed this interview with Lynn Serafinn, and that you’ll check out her book The 7 Graces of Marketing: How to heal humanity and the planet by changing the way we sell at http://the7gracesofmarketing.com/book-launch/pages/pre-launch.html.

I asked to join Lynn's blog tour because I truly feel this is one of the most important books I have read on marketing, and it resonates very strongly with my own philosophy. In closing, I want to share two very special events Lynn is planning for the launch of her book:

First is a free, no-purchase required telesummit happening from December 6-9, 2011, with a truly world-class lineup of bestselling authors, speakers, and media experts - some of the "all stars" include Escape from Cubicle Nation author Pam Slim, Dr. Joe Vitale, and even yours truly! Here is the link to register and receive a "launch reminder": http://the7gracesofmarketing.com/free-telesummit

Here's the spectacular list of guests speakers for this 7-part event:

Dr. Joe Vitale * Greg S. Reid * Dr. Eric Pearl * Dan Hollings * Pamela Slim * Liz Goodgold * Allison Maslan * Suzanne Falter*Barnes * Tad Hargrave * Misa Hopkins * Richard S. Gallagher * Ward Vandorpe * Barbara Altemus * Andrea Conway * Renee Baribeau * Renee Duran * Michael Drew * Chris Arnold * Jeffrey Van Dyk * Tanya Paluso * Kate Osborne * Shelagh Jones * Paula Tarrant * Lynn Serafinn

You can listen to this free telesummit online in the comfort of your own home, and even ask questions during the broadcast. If you are reading this after Dec 9th, 2011 you can still access the playback for a limited time when you register at http://the7gracesofmarketing.com/free-telesummit

Second is a set of great free gifts when you buy Lynn's book on its launch date of Tuesday December 13, 2011, including the MP3 download of all 10 hours of this historic telesummit, plus a complete library of beautiful personal development gifts from authors, speakers, coaches and other enlightened professionals from around the globe - including a free full-length book from me! To claim your FREE pass to the 7 Graces of Marketing Telesummit and read about the free gifts, go to:

http://the7gracesofmarketing.com/book-launch/pages/pre-launch.html

Thanks for reading! As usual, please feel free to share your comments and thoughts below. I love reading your feedback. AND… be sure to follow Lynn's next stop on the Virtual Blog Tour with Shelagh Jones, who will be podcasting her interview with Lynn. Here's the link. Enjoy!

Service metrics: Pushing the genie back in the bottle

2011-11-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the Voice of the Customer conference in Boston this week. VOC is a retreat for customer service executives run by my good friend Phil Verghis and his colleagues Fred Van Bennekom and Jeffrey Tarter, better known jointly as The First Wednesday Group. It is always a great meeting, but this time it was more like a religious experience.

You see, for the first time in recorded history, a major company got on stage and announced something that I always predicted would never happen: they *stopped* measuring the performance of their customer support teams.

For decades, one of the biggest trends in customer service has been the ability to measure anything and everything. We can now easily know things like how many keystrokes per hour you type, how many questions you answer per day, how much you sell, how long you are in your seat … even how long you spend in the bathroom. Nowadays these “metrics” are part of the daily reality of nearly everyone who serves the public.

Metrics have become the darling of business thought leaders over the last decade. We now talk effortlessly about things like balanced scorecards, accountability, and maximizing customer value. Many people see our ability to measure everything as part of a revolution in productivity.

But in my view – and that of a small but growing fraternity of others in customer support – there is a dark side to metrics:

-People are often measured on so many different criteria that many constantly fail at something. And the stakes are often very high for failing – in his heyday, for example, people like GE’s Jack Welch used to recommend firing the “bottom 10%” every year, and the fall of Enron was a case study of a culture where people had to “make their numbers” or else.

-Even when people meet their metrics goals, they often feel constantly pushed in the back, in an environment where managers treat grown employees like children. Except that if real parents constantly measured how long their kids took to brush their teeth, eat their breakfast, or put on their pajamas, we would probably be calling social services.

-Worst of all, these metrics often destroy the very things they were designed to measure. Have you ever called for help and spoken with someone who pushed you off the phone with a bad answer, or refused to let you speak to someone more knowledgeable? They undoubtedly put their “first call resolution” numbers ahead of fixing your problem. Because you can’t fire them, but the bean-counters can and will.

To be fair, as an engineer by training, I am also a big numbers guy. Good metrics have at times helped me make positive changes in how I managed customer support teams. So with apologies to Caesar, I have always taken an approach of both praising and trying to bury metrics. In past writings, I often proposed a compromise: continue to measure things, but don't hold these numbers over people unless they vary far from your norms. To me, this reflected cold reality: how could you tell your management to stop measuring productivity, without them looking back at you like you had three heads?

So along comes my friend Phil Verghis, who consulted with this major company and took things a big step further: he told them that their metrics had to go, period. Don’t even measure them at all, because people will still find out about them. Instead, focus on the really important things – customer satisfaction, retention, costs, and sales – and get everyone behind them.

They bit. The metrics are gone. So are some of the “old guard” of micromanagers who wouldn’t change. The result? A substantial increase in productivity. (I don't have the exact number, which was shared verbally, but I believe it was on the order of 20-25%.) And more important, teams of employees who now feel they are part of something bigger than themselves.

So, are you feeling really brave? Stop measuring people. Today. And then watch what happens.

The Horrid Picture: A new look at teambuilding

2011-11-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Just had a great speaking engagement yesterday, doing a workshop on customer skills here in Ithaca for my friends at the New York State Nursery and Landscaping Association and their annual conference. Afterward, they were gracious enough to invite me to their evening reception, where I saw a great example of teambuilding that I have never encountered before.

The highlight of the evening was an auction where members contributed their wares to raise money for the Association's work. (I was proud to see a signed copy of my own book What to Say to a Porcupine sell for a high bid of $100.) But they saved the best for last: the Horrid Picture auction.

As the name implied, the Horrid Picture was a truly horrid framed painting: a color-blind rendition of a rural landscape, with stars and a silhouette of a duck's head inexplicably floating in the upper left corner. And people weren't bidding to purchase it – they were bidding for the right to require another Association member to display this picture, where their employees and customers could see it, at their place of business for the next year. So one person would bid $100 to have it in Chuck's office, then another would raise the bid to $200 to have it put in Bud's office, and so forth.

Eventually the winning bid reached a thousand dollars, with groups of people teaming up to choose their favorite "victim." Which brings up something that sets this group apart from any other group I have met: how close are you really to your network of business colleagues? Do you know them well enough to force one of them to hang an ugly picture in their office – for a year – and do it with a smile?

As the auction was rolling along, one person after another was telling me what a tight-knit group this was. One large, successful business owner told me that he was always happy to give advice to new people getting into the business in his town, even though they would technically become his competitors. Another shared that he had been in the business for 50 years, and had more work than he could handle from word-of-mouth. Still another described himself as the "baby" of the group, with only 12 years under his belt.

So how about you and your colleagues: Do you support and learn from each other? Do you build and maintain a network that is profitable for everyone? Do these relationships and friendships stand the test of time? Could you put a horrid picture in one of their offices for a year?

Feel the fear and don't do it anyway

2011-11-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hi there, all you people who write motivational articles about how to "go for it," "feel the fear and do it anyway," and "get out of your comfort zone." I really appreciate what you are trying to accomplish with these articles.

Now, respectfully, could you all please knock it off?

Over the last two and a half years, I have done a lot of work with people with anxiety disorders. These are not people with quote-unquote too much stress, but rather people who suffer from issues like fears, phobias, and compulsions. They can't board airplanes, drive over bridges, or stop washing their hands 50 times a day. And whether you know it or not, articles like yours are part of their problem.

Since early 2009 I have been running a group program called "Anxiety Camp," and to a man or woman, its participants all tell me the same thing: well-meaning friends and relatives have always pushed them to engage in "Nike therapy" about their fears (e.g. just do it). The results are always the same. At best they suck it up, muddle through fearful situations, and then feel no better the next time they face them. More often they freak out, have setbacks, and end up worse off than where they started. And then everyone assumes that the sufferer simply isn't trying hard enough.

In reality, trying hard *is* the problem. It goes against your neurobiology. Being afraid is a survival instinct that protects us, and when we try to short-circuit that instinct, our subconscious pushes back - hard. So how do you get well from anxiety disorders? In tiny baby steps. While paying a lot of attention to what you tell yourself. That way, you start re-programming your circuits about what is frightening to you, as you gradually expand your comfort zone.

You see, the suck-it-up types want you to face your fears by gritting your teeth, putting your head down, and enduring situations. At best, doing this simply distracts you and teaches you nothing. At worst, it sensitizes you to situations you really want to become *de*-sensitized to. I want you to learn to become fully present in feared situations. And that almost always requires experiencing them gradually.

To be fair, I do understand the value of these motivational articles. Sometimes people decide to make brave, fundamental moves that change their lives. They choose to take control instead of take cover. And sometimes it works. For example, the day I leaped without a net from corporate life into self-employment will always rank up there as one of the most life-affirming things I've ever done.

But that is not the same as dealing with the fears that, statistically, one in five of us struggle with. And when fearful people read these articles - or worse, are handed them by well-meaning others - they become disheartened. And worst of all, don't realize that from a clinical standpoint, these words are often leading them toward illness and not wellness.

Conversely, when people start taking tiny baby steps from within their comfort zone, magic often starts to happen. I've watched this happen over and over. Anxiety scores drop, limits start disappearing, and people develop a renewed sense of faith in themselves. So if you're fearful, remember: learn all you can about your fears. Take things one small step at a time. And stay far away from motivational speakers.

My next book

2011-10-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

I am very pleased to announce signing a contract with leading business publisher AMACOM Books, for what will be my ninth nationally-published book.

This project has a working title of What to Say in Your Very Worst Customer Situations. It will explore what people like hostage negotiators, crisis counselors, and psychotherapists can teach you about handling your most difficult situations. Best of all, you can become part of it! Stay tuned for social media opportunities from AMACOM and I to share your own very worst customer situations.

I am thrilled to be back with AMACOM again: for a customer service author, this is the business-book equivalent of signing with the Yankees. They have released three national number #1 customer service books in as many years, including my own What to Say to a Porcupine, as well as one of the best-selling customer service books of all time, Delivering Knock Your Socks Off Service. Their stable of authors includes some of the top thought leaders in business today.

One milestone I am especially proud of is joining a very small fraternity (along productivity expert Brian Tracy and customer service guru Ron Zemke) to publish four books under their imprint. More important, I am happy to be back working with such great people.

This book will also have a worldwide platform – it will be available from McGraw-Hill outside the US, and AMACOM has always done a great job of foreign rights sales. (Porcupine was a top 10 customer service book around the world, and my AMACOM books have been published in six languages to date.)

A summary of the new book is listed below – pub date will be a little over a year from now. Can't wait that long? I've been speaking on the material in this book for quite a while now: contact me at www.pointofcontactgroup.com to learn more. See you on the bookshelves again soon!

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What to Say in Your Very Worst Customer Situations
by Richard S. Gallagher, MA MFT

Why do people struggle to give good service?

It is not because they don't care. It isn't because they need more smile training. And it's not because they need to work harder. It is because of FEAR.

They feel alone and vulnerable on a very public stage, worrying about when the next customer will leave them twisting in the wind. They have no idea how to handle other people's demands. They don't know how to negotiate productively. And they have no clue how to defuse someone else's anger.

Even though they wear name tags that say, "Hi, Can I Help You?", they are silently praying that your customers will go away with as little collateral damage as possible.

So how do you change this fear? By totally blowing it away. By teaching them the skills that hostage negotiators, crisis counselors, psychotherapists, and police officers use every day. Because when people learn how to handle their very worst customer situations, everything changes. And great things start happening to your service quality, morale, and turnover.

Author Rich Gallagher loves worst-case scenarios. He enjoys having people get angry with him about high-stakes situations in front of large audiences. A former customer service executive, practicing therapist, and author of the #1 customer service bestseller What to Say to a Porcupine, he has a track record of dramatically turning around the performance of customer contact operations, by teaching people what to say in their very worst customer situations. His new book will teach you:

• How to defuse anger and criticism by "leaning in" to it – with gusto!
• Avoiding well-intentioned "trigger phrases" that escalate a bad situation
• The secret to helping people feel heard in a crisis
• Using a "divide and conquer" approach to safely deliver bad news to anyone
• What to say when a situation is your fault – and when it isn't

Most of us think excellent customer service involves smiles, positive attitudes, and "magical moments." Yet none of these prepare you for what to say when someone experiences serious consequences that are totally your fault. Or a customer is so upset that he wants to sue you. Or someone says the wrong thing and a customer is in-your-face angry. These are the times when “magical moments” suddenly go out the window – and they eventually happen to all of us. That's where this book comes in.

Attitude and courtesy alone will not fix your most difficult customer situations. Specific communications skills will. What to Say in Your Very Worst Customer Situations will teach you the right words for any critical situation, in a powerful new book that will change everything about how you work with customers.

What to say to someone at risk of suicide

2011-09-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

By now, many of you have seen a news item that public speaker and social media expert Trey Pennington committed suicide this morning.

I did not know Trey personally. He was one of my earliest Twitter followers (one of over 100,000 people he followed). If you look at his Twitter feed, even just before he passed away, you will see someone who was incredibly upbeat, articulate, and giving to others. And perhaps today, someone who reminds us that depression and hopelessness can strike anyone – even someone with enough friends to fill a small city.

Which brings up something I strongly feel everyone should know, just like we learn first aid or CPR. Most of us have the best of intentions when someone in our life is depressed – but in reality, we have no clue what to say. So we say things that don't help – or make the other person feel worse – or worst of all, we say nothing at all. (As one example, most of the things we think will motivate or cheer on a depressed person do not actually help.)

In 2005, when I was a crisisline counselor, I penned an anonymous piece for the Ithaca Journal about what we are trained to say to people in crisis. (Crisisline counselors, while actively serving, remain anonymous in the community.) I personally did not know these skills until I was taught them. If everyone learned them – especially how to really listen, without giving advice or "fixing" the other person – it would have a real impact.

People may not realize that crisis counseling is incredibly effective. Informal studies have shown that people who call crisislines are much more likely to stay alive afterwards. So if you are hurting, please, please call 800-273-TALK from anywhere in the USA, 24 hours a day. Be safe and be well.

* * *

As a volunteer for Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service, I am fortunate to work alongside a great team of staff and volunteers. Together, we help over 10,000 callers a year from all walks of life - and while the calls themselves are anonymous and confidential, some of the life lessons they teach us are worth passing along to all of us.

First of all, you might think that the main function of an agency called Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service is to prevent people from committing suicide. Wrong. That happens to be the most critical thing we do, and we are highly trained for it. But what usually happens day in, day out, 24 hours a day on the SPCS Crisisline is something that is even more important: we show respect, dignity and understanding to a great many people who often experience none of these things in the rest of their life.

You see, the typical Crisisline caller isn't about to commit suicide. The typical caller may be a teenager whose parents constantly scream at him about his clothes, his tattoos and his attitude - but is feeling lonely and scared. Or a severely mentally ill person who is keenly aware of the strange looks she gets from passers-by, and feels ignored and rejected by her family, friends and caregivers. Or a retired professional who feels alone and useless, as his once-busy days now drag on endlessly. Or someone who feels compelled to cross-dress, or cut themselves, and feels out of control.

They could be any of literally thousands of people in this community who are hurting in ways that make them feel alone and different from the rest of us - and desperately need to talk with someone.

Here are some of the things that crisis counselors do when these people call the SPCS Crisisline:

Really listen. When someone has a problem, human nature is to give advice - or criticism. Crisis counselors never do either. Instead, they listen - and continually acknowledge the feelings of the person they are listening to. This creates a zone of acceptance where people can truly open up and start to examine and solve problems.

Check for safety. Many of us are afraid to say anything when we are worried someone might hurt or kill themselves - sometimes, tragically, until it is too late. Crisis counselors check with every person, on every call, to make sure they are safe. Never be afraid to ask frankly if someone has been considering suicide.

Focus on the present moment. Crisis counselors cannot cure mental illness, take away losses, or fix someone's life. What they can do, perhaps better than anyone, is look for the one most important thing bothering someone right now. These "focusing questions" help shift the dialog toward making small, positive steps - the act of which is very important in crisis.

Explore alternatives. The next step in someone's life might involve a community resource, like counseling or shelter. Or it might just involve discussing feelings and alternatives with an empathetic and non-judgmental person. Crisis counselors help people explore their options, and make choices that are best for them.

Establish a safety plan. Above all, if someone has expressed a risk of committing suicide, work with this person to develop a plan for what they will do when they are overwhelmed - who they will call, what health care providers will be contacted, where they will go. Then ask this person to contract with you to execute this safety plan - and call you, or a crisisline - before they decide to act on feelings of suicide.

If we each started treating the people in our lives like this - whether it is our spouses, our children, our co-workers, or even the person sitting next to you at the bus stop - the difference would be truly life-changing, for them and for us. And in some cases, perhaps life-saving.

Word pictures

2011-09-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

I will never grow old as long as iTunes is around. This week, they just announced the pre-release of "The Beatles 1," a collection of each of their number 1 chart hits – the last of which was released over 40 years ago.

So what do the Beatles sound like to me? Of course, they sound like Buffalo, New York. Because as I was growing up in 1960s Buffalo, the Beatles and top 40 radio were the soundtrack to my life. So for me, the Beatles will always sound like my parents' Oldsmobile station wagon, football practice at Ellicott Creek Park, fish fry on Fridays from Brownraut's, Catholic school, and my first ride on a Boeing 707.

And Elvis Presley? Why, he sounds like China. When I took a sabbatical from my software job in the 1980s and taught at a Chinese university, soon after that country opened up to the West, my colleagues at Tianjin University taped my lectures – and tried to make me feel "at home" by playing elevator pop music beforehand. So one morning I popped out their tape, put in my own cassette of Heartbreak Hotel, and proceeded to teach them some American musical culture – explaining who Elvis was, and how he sang about things like going to a very bad hotel when your girl left you, gyrating my hips instructionally as everyone roared with laughter.

Of course, your Beatles and your Elvis are probably very different from mine. And that is the point. Words paint very different pictures for each of us. And we often get into trouble when we assume that our picture is the only possible one.

For example, when you say "productivity," your word picture might be one of helping people do their very best. My word picture might be of a slavedriver who burns people out. My view of "success" might be liberating, and your view of "success" might seem like a straightjacket of other people's expectations. Just because I am an adult, and like to read books, doesn't mean that I would want to visit an adult bookstore.

Of course, things get even worse when you turn to politics. I was a real American last time I checked my passport, but calling myself one would move my needle pretty far to the right. I might like the sound of being a non-conformist, but showing up in a gathering of them in my best suit – which certainly wouldn't conform – might not have the desired effect. Being in favor of speaking English can mean totally different things to your English teacher and the folks on the Arizona border. And, of course, when I grew up during the Cold War, living on a commune might have been fine, but being a aficionado of commune values – e.g. a commun-ist – often was not.

So how do you get around this problem? Discover what pictures the other person sees from your words. Take a genuine interest in how they see the world. Learn from them, rather than trying to "enlighten" them, and you will probably both be enlightened.

In the case of Elvis, my hosts eagerly wanted a copy of my music – which I agreed to, as long as they gave me a copy of their favorite music in return. What I got was a Chinese opera that was so sweet and poignant that it still brings a lump to my throat. And to this day, I still try to hear everyone else's music.

I can't explain

2011-08-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

This blog title was the name of a 1960s hit by The Who. It is also the key to using social media without turning into a boor. Let me, um, explain...

Say someone posts something. Someone else doesn't like it - and posts a comment saying so. Then the first person responds by explaining their position. The second person still doesn't like it. Invariably the first person usually keeps explaining, and explaining, and explaining some more.

Does it work? Never.

When people don't agree with you, online or in the real world, you can't explain. At least at first. If someone doesn't like your political position, explaining it further will not change their mind. If what you posted offended someone, explaining it will only make you sound defensive. And if someone is ranting, explaining your rational position usually leads to more ranting.

If you want to see an example of this in action, look no further than the comments section of just about any online news story. Some troll posts something that annoys people, someone else takes offense and responds, the troll responds with more trollishness, and they go back and forth at it until everyone is exhausted and gives up. Does anyone ever "see the light" in these discussions? Nope.

So how can you respond to someone else's negativity online? You really only have three choices:

1) Apologize. Apologizing when you offend someone does not diminish you. It enhances you. Unfortunately, most people react the opposite way because they do not get this.

2) Own your truth. If you firmly believe what you write, and someone else disagrees with you, don't try to convince them they are wrong – convince them how firmly you believe in yourself. There is all the difference in the world between "Here are X reasons why I am correct" versus "I respect your view. I see why you feel that way. And I have a different view."

3) Walk away. For example, lots of people post reviews of my books in places like Amazon.com. Most of them are just ducky. Recently, one wasn't very complimentary at all. My response? No response. First, I respect whatever the marketplace thinks of my wares – but more important, nothing I could possibly say would matter. So often, the best answer of all is the lack of one.

All of these revolve around the subtle difference between engaging people versus defending yourself. One approach works and the other doesn't. If you feel differently, you would have to somehow explain it to me. No, wait, scratch that.

How to influence me

2011-08-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have conversations like this? Someone asks what you think about their pet issue. Whatever it is. Then if you gently, politely, ever-so-slightly disagree with any part of it, the following happens: their eyes narrow into slits, they loudly repeat their views in a half-shout/half-hiss, or they ask you some pointed rhetorical question ("Well, that must mean you are one of them, right?")

Now, here is a pop quiz: What do you think of the other person's viewpoint after this exchange? Here are three choices:

a) You are suddenly transformed and now see the wisdom of the other person's argument.

b) You appreciate the chance for a frank exchange of ideas.

c) You are silently whispering to yourself, "OK, take three steps back from the crazy person and don't make any false moves..."

It isn't just individuals who fall prey to this. Try donating to a political party some time – any party – and then start reading the breathless letters they send you about those awful, horrible people on the other side who will stop at nothing to completely ruin life as we know it – unless you send us more money. (And obviously it doesn't work because next week, by golly, they are at it again.) I often wish we could lock the letter-writers from each of the major parties together in a room sometime and watch what happens.

Of course, unless you happen to drink their particular Kool-Aid, all of these people are about as persuasive as spam e-mail. And many of them don't even see that blurry line where their passion for a cause or an issue turns them into boors who can no longer discuss it rationally.

Most of us need to form opinions in our own time and space, and proselytizing scares us off. If you really want to influence me, learn to have a respectful two-way dialogue that understands other viewpoints, because that is the only way minds are ever really changed. Otherwise you will preach exclusively to your own choir, and your passion will be completely wasted.

In my world, nothing ever goes wrong

2011-07-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, when I was commuting to Pennsylvania twice a week, I started listening to audio summaries of motivational books.

Normally I am not a big "motivational slogan" kind of guy. (Here is why.) But I did hear one quote that has stuck with me for months now. It comes from self-help author Dr. Wayne Dyer, who quoted someone as saying:

"In my world, nothing ever goes wrong."

In other words, everything is a learning experience. Our life is constructed around how we react to both the good and bad things, and these reactions – in and of themselves – are much more important than what actually happens.

This resonates with me. Much of my own happiness today rests in dealing with life as it is, and not just how I wish it was. I discovered over time that a cancelled flight, a delayed project, or even a personal struggle need not define my mood: we cannot control life events, but we can choose (with time and perspective) how we interpret many of these events. Everyone has ups and downs, but I look back on my life so far and see lots of lessons, none of them bad in the end.

Along the same lines, I recently heard some research that completely stunned me: people who win the lottery are generally no happier a year after they win – and people who become paraplegic are generally no *less* happy a year after their accident. So look at the people you know. The people who constantly bitched about life years ago are, by golly, still bitching now, right? And I'll bet the people with positive outlooks haven't changed much either. So guess who I choose to associate with?

Slogans have their limits, of course – I wouldn't try to tell someone who has just experienced a tragedy, for example, that nothing ever goes wrong. But for the most part, I feel that learning to accept things, overcome them, or let them point me in a new direction has a lot to do with why I am a pretty happy guy most of the time. Because in my world, nothing ever goes wrong. What do you folks think?

Someone stole my idea! No they didn't.

2011-07-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I just saw an interesting quote on Twitter today that stuck with me. It comes from Thomas Jefferson:

"An idea shared is still in your possession"

This reminded me of an interview I did a couple of years ago for Careerbuilder.com. They asked me and a panel of other experts what to do when a co-worker steals your idea. My answer made them practically choke on their lunch: congratulate them and encourage them to keep doing it!

Some people view ideas as a zero-sum game: the more they are shared, the less they benefit. If you are selling, say, the plans for building the Space Shuttle, this might even be correct. But for me, and for most people, it is the exact opposite. You *want* people to steal - in other words, spread - your ideas. And the more they do it, the merrier.

In my case, the more freely my ideas get spread around, the more profitable I am. In fact, since I tend to write books on just about everything I do, any chucklehead can go to Barnes and Noble, plunk down $20, and pick my brains clean. They can - and often do - create training programs around my content without my ever seeing another nickel. And I actually like it that way.

There are two reasons for this. First, who do you think hires me to speak, train, or license my content? Right. People who buy my books and watch my presentations. None of this good stuff would ever happen if they didn't (a) find me and (b) benefit from what they hear. So I always take my very best content and leave it all on the field. I even set up a YouTube channel with almost an hour of free content for people (right here).

But the second reason is perhaps even more important. Suppose I started the Gallagher Communication Skills Academy, with lots of promises about how successful you'll be, and offered bupkis until you were a paying customer. Or worse, held back my best stuff until you paid to join my "platinum circle." How many customers would I have? Years ago, lots of people sold this way. Nowadays, drowning in a world of free information on demand, it would be about as effective as drinking poison.

Same thing is true at your workplace. In a 35-year-plus career, I have never had a single idea "stolen" by my definition. I don't know about you, but I want my ideas discussed by as many others as possible, and people can take all the credit for them they want. So if someone goes to the boss first with something you've talked about, I really do think you should congratulate them! They are taking your ideas to higher places, and you want to encourage more of that. Spreading ideas far and wide - and cheering on those who do it - will almost always get you further than hoarding information.

Should you ever worry about people stealing your ideas? Sure, maybe, if they are the top-secret design to your next product or some such. But for the rest of us, I'd say let people steal away!

How to shut down an argument - instantly

2011-06-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

How would you like to banish 80% of the arguments in your life?

I am about to teach you a simple but powerful technique that will do exactly that. Something that almost no one ever does – but once you try it, you will find it positively liberating.

Picture someone criticizing you about something. Anything. Is there even the slightest shred of truth to what they are saying? Good! Now, here is what I want you to do: "lean in" to what they are saying, and acknowledge their criticism with as much gusto as possible.

Repeat after me: Wow. You're right, I really *am* that way. It's terrible. This must completely frustrate the heck out of you ... you get the idea.

This feels like bungee jumping naked off a bridge for most of us. We all have very strong survival instincts to lean away from criticism and defend ourselves. Which almost always makes the other person react with more anger. But when you lean in, something amazing happens. You short-circuit the other person's natural fight-or-flight reflex, and suddenly you are both talking rationally.

Here is an example: I train lots of hospitality professionals, and I often have them role-play the following scenario. A guest comes in to your hotel at 2 AM with a guaranteed reservation. You just gave away the last room. Now, the best you can do for them tonight is a room at the Dumpy Inn, 20 miles away.

At first, most people walk right into my trap: they are timid, euphemistic, and try their best to sugar coat the situation. They won't even mention the name Dumpy Inn. And it never works: the other person always reacts with rage and righteous indignation.

Then I coach people to deliver the bad news, and then lean right in: "Absolutely, you do have a guaranteed reservation, and you certainly weren't expecting to not have a room. You must be exhausted at this hour. We do have one option, but it isn't a great one. We can put you up tonight at the Dumpy Inn. It is 20 miles away, and it is pretty Dumpy. But I want to make sure you have a place to sleep until we can make things right for you tomorrow. And of course, tonight's stay is on us."

Surprisingly, most "angry" people respond rationally to this frank summary. They almost have to - you are using all their good lines first. And if they complain, I would lean right back into it. "Absolutely. This was totally our fault. I would be furious too!" Almost always, like magic, the other person calms down.

Just remember: the more gusto, the better. It feels like pouring gasoline on a fire at first, but it really works. Take the time last month that I was finishing graduate school and working full tilt, and never got around to clearing out some boxes in the den for my sweetie. What did I say as she stood there with her hands on her hips? "Of course, dear. I've been horrible. You've been expecting me to clean this for weeks. You must be really upset!"

Now, of course, I did also negotiate a firm date to clear out the boxes. (This is why I am a smart man who has managed to stay married for decades.) But my initial response totally sucked the heat out of the situation. And I've watched the same technique break through long-simmering conflicts, sometimes dramatically, when I have had family therapy clients try it.

Last point. Some of you might be thinking, "but can't I get in trouble by owning up to what I did wrong?" Ironically, you usually get in much less trouble. Even in the extreme. Here is what I find fascinating about the last decade's wave of corporate scandals, for example: the sentences handed out to the frank and remorseful, versus those who acted like conceited narcissists and deflected all blame. In my view, some people are literally doing years of extra prison time for the want of communications skills.

So next time someone starts shooting flames at you, try walking right into them – and then crank the heat even higher! You will be truly amazed at how much less criticism there is in your life.

The second half

2011-05-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

I recently posted a picture on Facebook of all the books I have authored, ghostwritten, or contributed to. Including foreign and second editions, it comes to almost 30 books. And if I included the books I don't have copies of, or the technical publications I've contributed to, it would be nearly 50% larger.

In response, I got a nice compliment from a Facebook friend who is in her 30s. I replied by saying that her shelf would be even better someday. (And I wasn't just being nice: she is an incredible writer.) Which got me to thinking: I didn't even publish my first book until I was almost 40 years old.

In fact, almost everything I "do" nowadays, I started later in life. I was nearly 45 when I gave my first paid public speech, and nowadays I make much of my living from speaking. This year, at age 56, I just finished the graduate work to become a psychotherapist, as mentioned in another recent blog. And my interest in communications skills dates back to my first management position, nearly a decade into my original career as a software engineer.

Aside from the obvious lesson that it is never too late to start things, I've learned a more subtle lesson as well. Many of the biggest things in my life have been happy accidents where, at the right time, someone cheered me on. I would love to say that my success as a writer was planned ever since I was seven years old. In reality, I didn't have a clue early on that I would ever pursue this. After all, I was a "C" student in writing in college, and never published a thing in the first few decades of my life.

What changed was that in the 80s, my wife and I took a night-school writing course together in Los Angeles, and people told me – for the first time in my life – that I was good at it. From then on I thought of myself as a writer. Eventually the rest of my life became a process of learning, growing, and becoming all the things I thought of myself as. Or dreamed of being. I wish I had known that decades earlier – who knows what I might have done in all that time. But it is never too late.

I truly believe that no goal is too ridiculous to pursue if you want it badly enough. For example, I am thinking right now of an engineering classmate from my Cornell days. I have never met him, but every few months I would read in our alumni news how he had a day job as an engineer, and did standup comedy at night. Or public access television. Or acting. I used to think to myself, "how will he ever merge these different interests?" Here's how – he eventually became television's Bill Nye, The Science Guy.

So what new direction could you start, right now, for the next phase of your life? And more important, what kinds of well-placed encouragement might change the lives of people around you? I am far from through growing and changing, and so are you.

Rich Gallagher, MA MFT

2011-05-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, as my writing and speaking career was starting to take off, I said to myself, "I make much of my living having people get angry with me in front of large audiences. Why not spend my off-hours putting myself in the middle of other people's family conflicts?"

So by the middle of 2005 I quietly started living a second life: first as a volunteer crisis counselor, then a 50-something graduate student in marriage and family therapy. And now I can finally say it: Rich Gallagher, MA, MFT. After four years of classes, term papers, and nearly 600 therapy sessions with clients, I have now finished the graduate work to become a psychotherapist.

This is not a career change. Rather, it gets added to the eclectic mix of things I do for a living. (More accurately, I will go from being an off-hours student to being an off-hours therapist.) And I had both practical and emotional reasons for doing this.

First, the practical ones. It adds depth to my "day job" of teaching workplace communications skills, many of which borrow from techniques used in psychotherapy. My most recent book How to Tell Anyone Anything, now a staple of my consulting work, was based in part on my graduate work - and my next book will be the first to have "MA, MFT" after my name. Another practical reason is transitioning to a retirement that is no longer that far away. I will never be happy sitting around watching daytime television, so I thoughtfully chose a new profession that I can practice for as long as I like.

But there are emotional reasons as well. Like the kid who dreams of being a fireman, I always wanted to be a therapist someday. Counseling people has attracted me ever since I was a young boy wanting to be a Catholic priest. For a number of reasons, some very personal, I ended up pursuing a technical career after college, but becoming a therapist later in life finally keeps a decades-old promise to myself.

Perhaps the biggest reason is that this stuff really helps. I ran several "Anxiety Camp" group programs where average participant anxiety scores consistently dropped by about 60%. I've had the pleasure of seeing relationships get closer, workplaces function better, and people work through grief or divorce to start living renewed lives. Therapy clients are generally very good people dealing with the life issues we all share, and it has been a pleasure to be at least a small part of their growth and healing.

Above all, it is a gift to enjoy something so much that the journey itself is worth it. Think, for example, of the person who loves horses so much that they don't mind cleaning the stables every night. This is exactly how I felt about the 14-hour counseling shifts, the crisis interventions, the housecalls all over rural northern Pennsylvania, and the 30-page papers. All a pleasure and all very much worth it.

I couldn't have done this without a lot of support from others, starting with my darling wife Colleen, my family, and my close friends, few of whom escaped being psychoanalyzed for my course assignments. Northcentral University made this all possible with a pioneering, fully accredited online MFT program for working adults. I was fortunate to be mentored by two of the nicest and most talented clinical supervisors, Wendy Hovey, LCSW at Guthrie Health and Kate Halliday LCSW. Even the IRS gets a tip of the hat: Thanks to tax deductions and spreading my expenses over time, I am graduating debt-free.

I also can never repay the friendship and practical help of the Ithaca Therapists Group, a digitally-linked community that was always there for me. Whether it was client referrals, hooking me up with supervision and clinical opportunities, coming to speak to my therapy groups, or simply encouraging and supporting me, I cannot thank its members enough (and won't forget to pass it on).

What happens from here? Hopefully lining up the two years of part-time supervised practice required for NYS licensing, and then getting my full LMFT license and hanging out my own shingle. But that's the fun part. From here, pretty much the only thing that stands between me and being a therapist is being a therapist. Thank you all for supporting me on this journey.

A Goofy way to sell

2011-04-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Does this ever happen to you?

Someone wants you to buy their product. Or join their movement. Or whatever. You politely let them know that you aren't really interested. And then the following happens:

-They ask "why" and then try to overcome your objections
-They present facts that "prove" that you should be buying or doing what they want
-They feel your reticence is simply a result of your ignorance
-They act visibly unhappy with you, as though you were responsible for their emotional well-being

How well does this approach work? Well, suppose that a successful company like Disney decided to try it. You are at a travel agency planning your next family vacation, and someone dressed like Goofy comes up to you and has the following conversation:

Goofy: Ah, hy-uk, hi folks! Are you nice people planning a vacation?
You: Er ... yes
Goofy: Well, I've got a great idea. How about joining me at Disneyland?
You: We weren't really planning to go to California.
Goofy: Well, shucks, that's OK. You could go to Disney World in Florida. This is a nice time to go to Florida, isn't it?
You: But Disney is so expensive. To be honest, we just want to spend a long weekend visiting Aunt Matilda downstate.
Goofy: You know, lots of people say that. But they don't realize how much fun it is to go to Disney.
You: I don't really like the crowds and the lines. We just like to go off and spend time together as a family.
Goofy: You could go at off-peak hours and the lines aren't as bad. And Disney is a great place to be together as a family.
You: Look, we're really not interested.
Goofy: (hangs his dog head down and throws his arms down)

Now, quick question. If this was your experience every time you contacted Disney, how likely would you be to call Disney? And how often would you vacation there? If this was how Apple treated you inside their stores, how badly would you want that new iPod? Is this approach more effective than simply having a great product or service that people *want* to purchase?

So why is it that just about every contractor, retail store, and political party still treats me this way? Obviously they still feel it's an effective way to sell to people. As for me, I think it's pretty Goofy.

Go for it! Or not!

2011-04-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

Near the beginning of the movie "Ice Age," a turtle decides to try an evolutionary experiment: he hurls himself off a cliff exclaiming, "I can fly-y-y," before landing with a resounding thud on the back of his shell.

I got thinking about that turtle yesterday while I was reading Seth Godin's new bestseller Poke the Box. It's a short book with an even shorter premise: start things. People who "poke the box" are people who go for it instead of waiting for permission.

It's a compelling argument. But then, a little later, I read a NY Times article about a 70 year old woman in California who continues to work because she has no savings, despite a long professional career. Why? According to her, she kept plowing her money into business ventures that never succeeded enough to sustain her today. Was she poking the box too?

Same thing is true in the job jungle. Godin makes a good case that being an instigator in the workplace is better than being a sheep. So why is it, when I look back over most places I've worked, that the foot soldiers generally have stable careers while many managers – e.g. the instigators and box-pokers – frequently get whacked? I've seen so many bright people lose their jobs as companies keep looking for better quarterly numbers, a "new direction," or the latest leadership flavor of the month.

It's an interesting juxtaposition. Poke or not poke? Lead or follow? Start or wait? Succeed big, or keep ending up like the turtle?

I think part of the answer lies in the difference between initiative and risk. Let's face it, stories about risk-takers are inspirational. They sell books. But most truly successful people I know are actually pretty risk-averse. They become really good at something, often over a period of years. They test the waters instead of just taking flying leaps. They poke the box when the time is right, but they also know the difference between being brave and stupid.

I also believe that poking the box isn't for everyone (and suspect that Seth agrees). There are lots of good people out there who would probably be better off being great followers than mediocre leaders. Pushing them otherwise would be like trying to start a rock group composed of people who hate rock and roll.

Still, Godin makes a good point, as he usually does. Now I feel like going out and poking a few boxes.

The Tractor Supply Challenge

2011-04-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I will do almost anything to keep my wife happy. Which is why, although I've never quite seen the point of having live animals in a household, we have always had a male Siamese cat. And trust me, there are few relationships that are more codependent than Colleen and Simba.

Part of this codependency is that while I don't get fed fine steaks every night, Simba is treated to Royal Canin Siamese formula and Intense Beauty cat food. I mean, come on – when was the last time you saw special Tabby formula cat food? But my sweetie gladly pays a stiff premium to purchase exotic disco cat food for her exotic cat, who then turns around and bites her anyway.

So recently, I stopped by a local Tractor Supply store and purchased two 39-cent cans of their cat food – about 1/3 the cost of Intense Beauty – and proposed a challenge to my sweetie. Put out a plate of each brand, first thing in the morning, and see which one Simba liked better. She graciously agreed. So ... on the left is a can of Royal Canin Intense Beauty cat food, and on the right is Tractor Supply Paws & Claws Chicken flavor, replete with a cat smacking its lips.

Add one hungry, impatient cat and the challenge was on.

First he sniffed at the Intense Beauty, which was his usual fare.

Then he went over to the plate of Tractor Supply and started actually eating it, with gusto. Hah-hah! Victory was mine!

But not so fast. After a couple of bites, he walked away ... came back ... and devoured every bite of his plate of Intense Beauty. And according to my sweetie, made a motion over the Tractor Supply as if to cover it up. I was so devastated that this next picture was even blurry, as my hands shook with despair.

So what did we prove? That Colleen was right, as usual. And that, as I should have known for the past few decades, being surrounded by beauty of both the human and animal variety can be expensive. But all things considered, it's worth it.

You're worth it

2011-03-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

I just received a $425 bill in the mail today. And I couldn't be more delighted to pay it.

This bill is my annual membership in the National Speakers Association. It is a club you cannot get into unless you do a lot of paid professional speaking. Here in Ithaca, NY, for example, which is crawling with luminaries from Cornell and elsewhere, there are only three members. So for me it is both a great resource, and a celebration of getting to speak 40-50 times a year.

Which got me thinking about how you - and perhaps your business – value yourself. What makes *you* worth a premium price, one that people are more than happy to pay? Here are some things that can add to your own personal value:

Invest in yourself. What is the difference between me now versus then? First, a lot of work and study on my content and my platform skills. Years ago people gave me good ratings. Nowadays, in 2011, I regularly hear people say my workshops are the best they have ever attended. And I know I still have a lot more learning left to do.

Investing in your skills has two important benefits. The first is the obvious one: you hone the skills. But I think the second one is even more important: you start thinking of yourself as someone who is worth the investment.

Incidentally, they say you have really arrived as a speaker when you are interrupted by applause, and when you get standing ovations in the middle of your talks. I have never had either of these things happen yet. My mother, on the other hand – who is not a professional speaker – experienced both when she delivered a loving and humorous tribute to my late father, shortly after he died. So my next goal is to catch up to Mom someday.

Look at what you give instead of what you get. A lot of beginning speakers will ask "what can I charge?" I ask myself "what will my audience take away?" When I step on a stage nowadays, I *know* I am going to create an "a-ha" moment that changes the way people communicate.

Value goes beyond your products or services, into who you are. I would stand on my head to give my clients a great experience. I will come early, stay late, customize my material, meet and greet people, have breakout sessions, or practically get them coffee if they want. This may be why a lot of my livelihood comes from customer relationships, not just customers.

So take the question of what you are worth, and turn it into one of how much value you can give. And realize that this value could be much higher than you think.

Think about what the other person values. I am not just happy to pay a $425 bill. Years ago, I was delighted to have to suddenly pay a five-figure sum. You see, my wife was in a serious automobile accident, running full-speed into the back of a stopped truck. She hit it with such force that its tailgate ended up inside her passenger compartment, totaling the car, but still walked away from the accident.

I could not have been happier to purchase her a new car with every airbag imaginable. Cars are relatively easy to replace; wives and soulmates, not so much. So I was and still am incredibly thankful for the privilege of writing that big check.

Bringing this around to your business, there is often a lot of *relative* value in what most of us do. Think about what people want, need, and value. Think about where their "points of pain" are. What can you do to ease that pain, and what is it worth to these people?

I once read about a dog trainer who practically couldn't get arrested – until she changed her focus on teaching people how to avoid dog attacks. Suddenly mail carriers, meter readers, and others flocked to her seminars. Likewise, I don't have a lot of flashy new speaking ideas. I simply teach people how to communicate in their most difficult situations, with customers and each other, and make a nice living from the relative value of these skills.

So what are you worth? The answer is simple: not a penny more than you think you are. So start valuing yourself, with all the potential that you have inside, and then go out and share that value with others. For me, this has always been the true key to a nice life.

Anatomy of a bad apology

2011-03-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have seen a news story last week about John O'Connor – a college basketball coach who was caught on videotape knocking over one of his players in practice, kicking him when he didn't get up, and then yelling, "Got a little blood on ya? Good!"

This incident made the news after the player filed a police report, and kicked off a national debate about tough versus abusive coaching. It eventually culminated in a tense meeting between player and coach on the television show Good Morning America, during which the player would not accept the coach's apology. Soon afterward, the coach resigned his position.

After reviewing a video of the show, I feel this incident has an important lesson for all of us – but not the one you might think. I feel that in this case, the coach did not lose his job over a shove on the basketball court. He lost it over a stupendously bad apology.

Apologies are a tightly scripted dance where every word has to work. They are one form of communication where 99% often isn't good enough: like O'Connor's game of basketball, the momentum of the game can turn on you in a heartbeat, and the wrong words can easily backfire. So in that spirit, I would like to respectfully break down how the player probably heard O'Connor's words.

"This was an accident": Here, the coach is blaming circumstances rather than himself, and saying it wasn't really his fault. Statements like these are like throwing chum into shark-infested waters.

"I was just trying to make us a better team and make us more competitive": This is the dreaded rationale statement, where he thinks the right reasons will somehow make things OK. But the listener doesn't care. Instead of taking ownership, these "reasons" make him sound entitled and defensive.

"It was unintentional by me": He may think he is saying he had no malice of forethought. Instead, it sounds like he had no control over what happened, and for that matter, it could jolly well happen again.

"I'm really sorry that it happened": Oops. This is the classic "I'm sorry but not responsible" statement. Instead of talking about what *he* shouldn't have done, he wishes that "it" hadn't happened.

So let's replay this apology as the player probably heard it: "I wasn't responsible for what happened. I have no clue how I could have avoided it. Besides, I had good reasons for it. So it's too bad it happened." Breaking down the linguistics, I frankly don't think the player had much choice in turning it down, especially in front of an audience.

Even worse, when GMA host George Stephanopoulos asked coach O'Connor whether his behavior was over the line, he hemmed, hawed, and insisted it was an "accident." Linguistically, game, set, and match went to the player at that point.

Now let's try a real apology that steps up and takes ownership, validates the injured party, and expresses remorse and restitution: "Matt, I crossed a line last week. I tried to be competitive after a tough loss and took it much too far. In the process I embarrassed you, me, and our school. I acted like a bully, and I don't blame you for reacting the way you did. You are a good player, and this shouldn't have happened to you. I apologize for what I did; more important, I want to promise you that I have learned from it, and that it will never happen again. I hope you will give our coaching relationship another chance from here."

If the coach had chosen the right words, I feel his player would have been much more likely to accept his apology; in fact, he might have seemed petty not to. And the coach – who had the support of much of his team after the incident – would probably still have his job and his dignity intact.

If this subject interests you, check out a truly incredible book: Effective Apology by John Kador. It breaks down the mechanics of good versus bad apologies – and in the process, will teach you how to have grace and power in your most challenging situations. Like sinking a clutch 3-pointer, I hope this coach can eventually learn to use the power of words better, and move forward from this incident.

Direct e-mail: Lessons from the slush pile

2011-02-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

It wasn't that long ago that permission-based e-mail marketing became all the rage. But now, after a few years of responding to free offers, book bonuses, and the like, I get a billion jillion e-mails from people. And you probably do too.

Like many people, I sign up with a specific e-mail address reserved for this kind of stuff. I check it every couple of months or so, open a few of them, and do a mass delete for the rest. And it fascinates me to see which ones I do and don't open out of the hundreds that are waiting for me.

Let's start with the ones I never open:

False urgency: If you use capital letters, exclamation points, or time limits, I will never ever click your message. For exactly the same reason I don't hang out with people who shout in my ear. Messages like "Rich, will I see you TODAY?" and "You HAVE to check this offer out" all go through the trap door immediately.

False intimacy: I realize you have my name. I gave it to you when I signed up for your list. But that doesn't mean splattering it all over your subject lines is going to impress me. "Rich, get my e-mail about tomorrow?" "What's your plan for 2011, Rich?" Look, we haven't even met, and here you go asking me all these personal questions.

It is even worse, of course, when you use the name from my credit card order. The only time I am ever called "Richard" is when my wife is mad at me about something.

Guessing games: I really don't have time to play "ha-ha, made you look!" So if you have cute e-mail titles like "Read this fast, Rich" (there you go with the "Rich" again ...) or "I'm totally convinced," you have to get in line behind a few hundred other e-mails that are willing to tell me what they are talking about.

Now let's look at the lucky few e-mails I do open:

You offer me something of value: One e-mail I did open had a subject line of "Want to meet Zig Ziglar?" Yes, I would. He is a legend, and being in his 80s, who knows how much longer he'll be working the speaking circuit. The workshop was too far away and too expensive for me, but at least I did click through a couple of levels to explore it. You offered me something cool and very specific, and I checked it out.

I like you: For example, I recently connected with a fellow speaker on Facebook named Al Borowski, based in my former hometown of Pittsburgh. I really liked his schtick, and his messages are pretty high-content, so I'm happy to see what new things he has to say in his e-mails.

You have a track record: My good friend and colleague Carolyn Healey, publisher of customer support industry portal site SupportIndustry.com, has an incredible radar for high-content articles on trends in the industry. Her content helps my business, so I have always read her weekly newsletter cover to cover (and still do). That's why her stuff gets delivered to my personal e-mail, not my "slush" e-mail.

It is tougher than ever to get your message through in today's ultra-high-bandwidth environment. To sum up what works for me: Offer value. Be likeable. Be genuine. Be specific. Amp down the urgency. And please don't call me Richard.

The best book ever on entrepreneurship

2011-02-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

There are lots of books out there on starting your own business. Most of them are bubbly, optimistic - and ultimately pointless. Finally, one has come along that really gives you the straight scoop on starting and running a successful business.

My good friend Carol Roth is no wannabe entrepreneur consultant. She has helped businesses raise over a billion dollars in capital, shows up regularly on cable news channels like MSNBC and Fox Business, and has reviewed over 1000 business plans for clients. She will soon be featured in a new cable reality show on business startups. Above all she is smart, funny, and takes no prisoners.

Her new book The Entrepreneur Equation isn't a warm, fuzzy tome on the joys of entrepreneurship. Instead, she breaks down the hard truths of starting your business: the capital you will need, the hours you will have to put in, the personal strengths it requires, and the realities of starting up in what she describes as the worst competitive environment ever. And you will be laughing as you read every page. Carol, who fashions herself in the book's introduction as Lucy Van Pelt from the comic strip Peanuts, combines a caustic wit with a razor-sharp insight on what makes successful businesses tick.

But don't think this book is simply a needed dose of castor oil. More accurately, it is - as she describes it - a screening interview that will make sure you succeed. Her own proprietary consulting formula, which goes by the acronym FIRED-UP (Finances, Inspiration, Reponsibilities, Experience, Dedication, and Unbridled Passion), boils the mechanics of starting a business into the basics everyone really should be thinking of: Do I have the drive, the capital, the experience, the crazyness to pull this off? No bland chapters on how to write your business plan here.

As I was talking with Carol a few weeks ago about this book launch, it got me thinking about my own business startup. I've been on my own for the better part of 15 years, and make a very nice living writing for people and being a public speaker. And everything she says really resonates with me and my own situation. I started with enough capital, I knew my market, knew what I was doing, and was very good at it. But above all, I was and still am crazy. I can stay up to 5 AM finishing one client, and then get up at 5 AM for another. I can get off the phone after losing a lucrative five-year contract bid, shrug, and get back to work. (And react much the same way after winning a similar one last year.) I keep learning and re-inventing myself. All because I know how badly the guy on the other side of the mirror wants to live the life I lead.

But back to Carol. This is the launch week for her book, and I am honored to be a part of it. If you buy her new book this week through her web site here, you will get some great bonuses, ranging from video media coaching to a chance to win a free coaching session from me - or, better yet, her. Purchase multiple copies, and you will even get a realistic Carol Roth doll made by a major toymaker (and one of her clients), the only business author I've ever seen with her own action figure.

In closing, don't just take my word for Carol's fresh approach to starting a business - watch this video and you will see exactly what I mean. And then go buy her book. Enjoy!

The storyteller

2011-01-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

I was back this week doing some training for my good friends at Colgate University, one of the most mission-driven organizations I have worked with. They see their role as not just being an elite liberal-arts school (and having a great football team), but creating experiences in and out of the classroom that help students develop as leaders.

It was in this context that I was fascinated by this mural, which graced the wall above me as I led a workshop at their campus multicultural center. It appears to be a storyteller ("naw, it's a shaman" remarked my sweetie ...), bathed in light, with people gathered around him. In the far background, people are dancing.

What are the things you do best? What are you proudest of? What is the North Star that you move toward in life? I will bet these all revolve around things you were *taught*. Things you never knew before that captured your imagination, gave you new skills and powers, and perhaps even changed the direction of your life. Things that helped you learn to dance your own unique dance.

Storytellers have had a huge influence in my life. For example, I struggled in school when I was a child, actually getting put in a special private school by the time I was seven years old. (I'll bet I am the only Ivy League graduate you know who flunked third grade.) So what was different there? For one thing, they assigned me a "math nun" who taught me college-level matrix algebra in fourth grade – and then had me teach it to the fifth grade students.

The simple act of teaching me a skill that few people knew – and then giving me a chance to show people I was great, not just bad – was life-changing for me. I later earned an engineering degree from Cornell and actually made a career of using matrix algebra for many years. In fact, those who know me as a communications skills author often have no idea that my first book was actually a book on 3D computer graphics that is knee-deep in matrix equations.

I have seen the same thing happen many times in other people's lives. The young person in trouble who discovers great skills in culinary school, and jumps from the fire into the frying pan. The person struggling with their job or their attitude, until someone takes them aside and says, "I see potential in you – try this." Or in a more famous example, Susan Boyle living a very ordinary life until someone asked her to open her mouth and sing.

Much of my current career as an author and public speaker revolves around telling stories that teach people new things, and hopefully giving them powers they never had before. People often tell me that they don't communicate well, react badly to others, or get flustered in difficult situations. Then I teach them different words to use, and pow! Problem solved. They didn't have to work harder, try more often, or change their personalities – in fact, those approaches have almost always failed them in the past. They just needed to listen to someone who knew something they didn't, take it in, and hopefully pass it on.

I would not be so arrogant as to compare myself with the person bathed in light in the picture above. Sometimes my stories lift people, and very often other people's stories lift me. In both cases the brightest moments of my life, now and I believe yet to come, spring from gatherings where stories are being told and new ideas are being shared.

So what stories do you have to share with people? What could you teach people that might lift them, give them new skills, or help them believe in themselves? And more important, what stories might be out there that might change your life?

Going for shock value

2011-01-25T15:33:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of buzz lately about the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where Chinese-American mother Amy Chua describes her no-holds-barred approach to raising her children: no sleepovers, no tolerance for less than A's and first place, and making one daughter practice a piano piece for hours with no water or bathroom breaks until she got it right. The media has now taken this book beyond one person's extreme approach to parenting, into a cultural commentary about how America is becoming a nation of coddled children who settle for being second best.

I am not going to join the chorus of people calling her a bad mother – that is between her and her daughters, at least one of whom publicly supports her. But what she describes goes against everything I have ever learned in family therapy, and for some of it (like the piano incident) some columnists are wondering what the social services folks think. And for whatever it is worth, my four siblings and I – all of whom became Ivy League graduates and successful adults – came from good parents who didn't scream at us when we got B's, block our social lives, or pressure us into activities we didn't want.

For that matter, my late father's parents were always trying to get him to loosen up and not be such a grind studying, and he ignored them and eventually became a university president – kind of like an early version of Michael J. Fox in Family Ties. If his parents had used Chua's approach and pushed him instead, what would he have done instead – lead two universities? Or perhaps lose his motivation entirely? I am not yet convinced that Chua's argument would hold water if you were to do a legitimate empirical study. Especially if you measured being happy and successful, versus just test scores and trophies.

But I have a deeper concern with books like this. Our society has become addicted to extreme solutions with no room for shades of grey. Whether Amy Chua intended it this way or not, she now joins the flamethrowers on cable news channels, the shock jocks on the radio, and the get-rich-quick hucksters on the business bookshelf. All of them make a great deal of money by putting out extreme views that people embrace as the next great hope.

Ultimately my concern isn't so much for Amy Chua's parenting skills. It is that her book is on the cover of Time magazine. Because it draws a lot more attention than things like supportive parenting, productive dialogue, political diversity, and moderation. In my opinion, the problem isn't with them, it is with us. When we put books like Chua's on the bestseller list (currently #4 on Amazon as I write this), we sacrifice more of our own humanity to the counsel of the loudest voices.

The road to civility doesn't make for good media buzz. This is why I rarely watch television unless there is an umpire on the screen somewhere, and do not purchase books like Amy Chua's. But if enough of us start changing the channel, we could honestly build a much more respectful world, where screaming parents and political extremists are off in the margins where they belong. Care to join me?

Thoughts on the Tucson shooting rampage

2011-01-16T09:52:00.000-08:00

It has been very strange and unsettling for me to watch the news lately, as they keep showing pictures of the Safeway in Tucson where the horrible shooting that claimed the lives of six people and wounded Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords took place. I have been a little more heartsick than usual watching all of this, not only because of the tragedy of this event, but the familiarity of it.

You see, my mother lives down the road from that Safeway in Tucson, where my family has called home since the 1970s. I have gone shopping in it on many a Saturday morning. It is one of the safest and friendliest neighborhoods you could imagine, in a beautiful setting surrounded by the Santa Catalina mountains. I have always thought that if there was a paradise on earth, this place was close to it. And now, just like that, it has suddenly become a place of horror.

Since then, there has been no lack of opinions on what happened. We've been hearing this incident turn into a forum on political vitriol, the death penalty, and what Obama and Palin said - or should have said. And we keep going back and forth about whose fault this situation ultimately was or wasn't.

My opinion is that perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to have an opinion. I would love nothing better than to see an end to the partisan ranting that passes for entertainment on today's cable news channels. It would be great to put an end to the politics of division. And I would welcome seeing society respect its elected officials. But sadly, I don't think any of that would prevent incidents like this.

The shooter was, by all accounts, a good kid who slid over time into severe mental illness. Of course, some mentally ill people become politically overinvested. And a few take out their grievances, real or imaginary, on people in public. I myself had a scary incident years ago, after a radio appearance in Rochester on a book I had written on corporate culture, where an obviously unbalanced man pushed toward me at a book signing that night ranting about corporate America, yelling a few inches from my face and poking at me. Thankfully I was whisked away by store security posthaste.

But I also don't think the context ultimately matters that much. When I visited Japan years ago, for example, I read about a man committing a murder who claimed that Buddha made him do it. If we are really going to prevent tragedies like these in the future, we need to rethink how we deal with serious mental illness. Because we could heal every single political rift in the nation, and next week someone might get shot at Disneyland by someone who is obsessed with Goofy.

When a member of Congress lies critically wounded, and we watch the funerals of people like an innocent 9 year old girl, feelings run very strongly. And for me, this incident strikes close to home – my mother could have been in that store. (For today, I am glad she is a Republican.) But right now, it is simply time for America to mourn the dead, and resolve to do a better job of treating the mentally ill.

Our Christmas letter - 2010

2010-12-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

As we reach another holiday season – my 56th, to be exact – Colleen and I are so blessed and thankful to have each other, our good health, the love of our families, and the warmth and fellowship of you, our good friends.

The two biggest news items this year involve Colleen. First, it's become a cliché for years that "Colleen is thinking about writing a novel," but this year (drum roll) Colleen is writing a novel – and is about 50,000 words into it so far – and it is incredible! It is a psychological thriller based in upstate NY, and she is doing a meticulous amount of research for it. What I have read so far is truly incredible. Stay tuned.

Second, Colleen is now officially retired, according to Social Security, but far from playing shuffleboard. (As her husband, I joke that she is the only senior citizen who still looks like Shakira.) The other big news is that Colleen is on Facebook, jumping in with both feet and reconnecting with family and friends. If you aren't linked to her already and would like to, visit her at http://on.fb.me/gCSDr5 or connect through my page, www.facebook.com/rich.gallagher.

It has been a great year for me (Rich) as well. On the speaking front, I logged 42 paid gigs covering 20,000 air miles and over 5000 attendees in 2010. As a writer, I ghosted a national top 100 business book, developed several white papers and articles for technology and healthcare clients, continue to do monograph work for the National Cancer Institute, and recently landed a five-year contract to do more of the same. I am proud – and sometimes amazed – at being self-employed for over a third of my 30+ year career, and am thankful to the good Lord and my great clients every day.

Perhaps my proudest moment was developing and teaching a week-long communications skills program for Cornell's ORIE graduate students, taught in my late father's old building of Hollister Hall, that CU plans to continue with me next year. On a more personal note, I am now just a few weeks away from a lifelong goal of finishing my graduate work as a psychotherapist at Northcentral University, and putting "MA, MFT" after my name – a journey that began over five years ago, volunteering on a crisisline.

Some of you who know me well may be thinking, "what, no new book?" (Fair enough, I did have ones published in 2008 and 2009.) Fear not, I actually did complete a new project this year, a business fable entitled "The Last Customer." It is about what happens at a failing restaurant when people start treating everyone like their last customer, with a little divine intervention. A year after I started writing it, it still makes me laugh, and the ending still chokes me up – so either it's really good, or I choke up easily. My agent is shopping it around as we speak.

So how are you? We love to hear from you, and cherish the support and friendship between us and you through good times and bad. Hope you have a happy and blessed holiday season, and a joyful 2011.

Thoughts on tough times

2010-12-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

Every time the economy takes a dive, we read stories like this one about people who had great jobs, nice homes and cars, never missed a payment – and then lost everything, after losing their jobs and sending out hundreds of resumes with no response.

I have my own perspective on these stories. Partly because I've been there. Each time I've started my own business, I've gone through long dry spells with no work. I remember all too well what it's like to be down to the last 50 bucks in your checking account, and to have life seem like an endless refrain of "no, thank you." Thankfully, I emerged from those times to become successful.

But part of my perspective also comes from thinking differently. While taking absolutely nothing away from the lousy hand you've been dealt, when I look critically at who gets by and who doesn't – and for that matter, where my own success lies – I often see differences in how people think. So humbly, here is my advice:

-Ask friends what you normally say about your situation. (Really, ask them – because none of us are good judges of what actually comes out of our mouths.) Do you lay out rational options, or are you "Oh-my-God-ing"? Most people I know who remain stuck have a high ratio of Oh-my-God-ing versus thinking their way out of the situation.

-Do you *act* positive? I realize you don't feel positive. You feel like crap. As would anyone in your situation. But do people's faces light up when they see you? Do you make them feel better? Do you benefit them as much as they benefit you?

-Who are your models? Who is already out there doing a fantabulous job of the life that you would like to have? And what are you learning from them? If the answer is "no one," keep thinking.

-How much time do you spend cultivating relationships with successful people, as opposed to blindly sending out resumes? This is the back door where opportunities happen, versus the front door where 500 other people are lined up. And P.S. cultivating relationships doesn't mean asking for work, it means cultivating relationships.

If you learn anything from this blog, please go back and re-read the previous paragraph. Most of my current income comes from relationships I developed long before I ever worked with them – and will continue long after I work with them. To me, success is a by-product of how many people you make happier in some way.

-Have you thought past what you've always done? Most successful people I know, myself included, have had to completely re-invent their careers every so often. If you are honestly doing everything else on this list and still getting nowhere, you just might be looking for love in all the wrong places.

Finally, one more suggestion. Go to a business networking meeting sometime, just to observe people. See the ones who exude confidence and act comfortable in their own skin? And see the ones who are so desperate that they practically have "hire me, puh-leez!" written across their forehead?

Now listen carefully. Whenever I've taken pity on people in the latter group and hired them for something, I've usually gotten burned. Perhaps they were unemployed for a reason. Perhaps their work ethic didn't match their level of desperation. Perhaps they convinced themselves they could settle for something that they really couldn't. Trust me, you don't want to smell like these folks – especially around anyone who has hired more than a few people.

Above all, don't give up on your goals. I realize these are tough times, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. But you are still worth a great deal, and you deserve to ultimately find those things that make you happy. Good luck and keep plugging.

Easy Peazy

2010-11-28T11:06:00.000-08:00

It's time again for my quasi-annual diet. So far, I am off to a good start, losing four pounds so far this month. And here is the best part: I haven't really been trying to diet.

My good friend Maureen Anderson, host of the syndicated Career Clinic radio show, recently got in touch with me about a diet where she simply eats the right things, in ways she enjoys, and her weight takes care of itself. (And she has what sounds like a heck of a book project planned in the near future – stay tuned.)

So I decided to take a page from her book, and tried a new breakfast drink: a cup and a half of skim milk, a half cup of uncooked 1-minute oatmeal, and half a banana in the blender every morning. It is creamy, delicious, fat-free, and very satisfying. So now, with perhaps the best-tasting breakfast I have had in years, I seem to be losing weight. We'll see how it goes from here.

But I didn't really blog about this to share diet advice. Rather, there is a life lesson in here that really resonates with me.

Most advice I read about dieting – or finances – or success – or anything else good in life seems to invariably get out the hair shirt. Give up your burgers for carrot sticks and thin gruel, and you'll lose weight. Pare your expenses to the bone and you'll get rich. Keep your nose to the grindstone and you'll succeed.

I honestly think these people are lying to me. Here's why:

• Whenever I've tried to diet by eating bland, unsatisfying food, I've never really lost weight. It just made life seem insufferable until I gave up. But now that I am finding ways to make my diet even more delicious with the right foods, I'm starting to lose.

• When I tried to "work harder" at jobs I didn't really enjoy, I just did mediocre work a little faster. Making a living doing what I love has being going great guns for a long time.

• Whenever I tried to save money by doing without, I never got anywhere. (For example, how many movies do you have to skip to scrape up, say, the down payment for a house? About four billion.) Making more money in the first place, doing what I enjoy, seems to work a lot better for me.

Now, realistically, logic would tell me that the hair shirt types have a point. Clearly, you need a certain amount of self-discipline to succeed. We all know people who crash and burn because they have no self-control. And we all know people who are self-disciplined and get ahead as a result.

But here is my theory – I think that both of these kinds of people are outliers on the curve. Because most really successful people I know don't seem to spend most of their time doing things that are hard. Instead, it's lots and lots of easy. Their path is filled with pleasure, and their pleasure ultimately leads them where they want to go. And as I look back over the ups and downs of my own 55 years and counting, that's what seems to work best for me too. What do you think?

A Magical Year

2010-11-10T20:56:00.000-08:00

42 speaking engagements. 5000 attendees. 20,000 air miles, and several thousand more by car. Marriott Silver Elite status. A chapter in the National Speakers Association's first-ever book. My own YouTube channel. And a very happy dry cleaner. I have just closed the books on my 2010 speaking calendar, and for someone who once viewed public speaking as a "hobby" on top of my career as a freelance writer, this has truly been a magical year.

I've enjoyed every minute of it. Even, in a perverse way, the cancelled flights and the 6 AM wake-up calls. My hope is that most of these 5000 people learned some new, high-content skills about how to communicate in the workplace, especially in their most difficult situations. Meanwhile, I have learned a lot from you too. Here are some of the lessons I've taken away from you this year:

1) Simpler is better. For years I wrote (and spoke about) pithering 300-page books on how to communicate, but what led to an explosion in speaking gigs? A book of fables on what to say to a porcupine. I seemingly have a six-step process for everything, but now I am slowly learning to boil a lot of great content into really simple, powerful takeaways for everyone.

2) There is safety in numbers. If you are uncomfortable speaking in public (I am not), large audiences can seem intimidating. As for me, I like big crowds. Especially when I get to wander through them with a cordless mike like Phil Donahue, or the right line gets everyone exploding with laughter. And when you throw out a tough question, the "wisdom of crowds" of two or three or five hundred people often leads to some truly incredible answers. I enjoy every audience, but for me there is nothing like the energy level of a big room.

3) Laughter always works. Take the time I was demonstrating a technique for how to take control of a conversation, and the woman I chose to work with kept talking and talking. And talking. Finally, I turned my back to her and told the audience, "I've never ever said this before in fifteen years of speaking: I give up!" Or when I tell people how the communications skills techniques I teach fall short at home, when my darling wife points at me and says, "A-ha, that's on page 37!" Or best of all, when you can get people laughing at each other. I put a lot of time into the content I am teaching, but at the end of the day, people remember what a good time they had.

4) Never stop learning. Like a pitcher's fastball, one's skills improve with practice. This past year I have done everything from paid coaching to a graduate research project (measuring my rate of speech and hand gestures after watching videos of top speakers) to improve my platform skills, and it shows. I plan to keep working at this, because after all, I work for you!

There is another side to learning as well, and that is new content that benefits you. All you people who have come up to me after a talk and said, "say, we really could use a workshop on X" – I am listening. So thank you all for your ears in 2010, and stay tuned for some more great programs in 2011!

The Big Question

2010-10-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

Do you have a conflict with a boss? A spouse? A co-worker? An ex? And do these conflicts seem unsolvable to you?

Often I find myself in the middle of conflicts like these as a counselor. And over time, I have found a simple question that often changes everything about these conflicts when I ask it. I call it The Big Question. Here it is:

"Is the other person simply a bad person?"

If the answer is "yes," all you can do is set boundaries for yourself. But if the answer is "no," this question can lead you to the common ground where the solution lies.

You see, every conflict fundamentally boils down to a dialogue that goes something like this: "Me, me, me, me, me." "No, me, me, me, me, me." "Yeah, but me, me, me, me, me." And soon we get entrenched in our positions and start building a "villain story" about the other party: "He is out to get me." "She won't listen to common sense." "They are constantly stabbing me in the back."

In reality, we all have a powerful survival instinct that leads us to push back against people who confront us, criticize us, or disagree with us – listen carefully – no matter how right they are. Which means that the laws of physics work against you every time you go, "Me, me, me." So most conflicts normally continue until one party or the other finally goes, "OK, I see: you, you, you." So let's see how this ties in with The Big Question:

-If you believe that your mother is simply meddlesome and judgmental for the sake of pure evil, you may never convince her to stop. But if you realize that she is worried about how well her grandchildren will turn out, then the two of you have something to talk about.

-If your boss is simply a ruthless taskmaster, you may have no option other than to leave. But if you know that he feels people don't respect him or listen to him, there is light on the path.

-If your husband married you for the sole purpose of making you feel worthless, you probably won't stay married much longer. But if underneath it all he needs down time while you need attention, there is hope.

Sometimes people are, in fact, bad people. When someone is sexually harassing you, stealing from your company, or posting compromising pictures of you on the Internet, you don't need to communicate better with them. For some situations, the right answer is to take them to court, talk to your HR department, or simply say "No more."

But in reality, most people aren't just bad people. And if they aren't, chances are that you know it. So ask yourself The Big Question, and take the first step to putting your conflicts behind you.

Whirlpools and Wolfsburgs

2010-10-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

(Photo courtesy of Volkswagen)

In my generation, we were brought up to be Calvinistic. Work now, play later. Save for the future. Delay short-term gratification for the greater good. Yada yada yada.

I would like to suggest that you re-think that ethic. And I feel I have a bunch of psychologists lined up behind me on this one. Allow me to explain.

According to cognitive psychology, we are what we think about ourselves. Nothing more, nothing less. The only real difference between you and the next guy or gal are your thoughts – not your job, your education, or your case of lumbago. So when you treat yourself really well, the message it sends often carries over to the rest of your life.

I was thinking about this point earlier this month as I was soaking in a whirlpool tub in Albany, NY. It was the end of a long week on the road, the night before my umpteenth speaking engagement this year. I had covered 5000 miles and spoken to 500 people that week. But in this moment, I was so relaxed that I could practically float away. And it struck me that the extra $90 I paid out of my own pocket for a Jacuzzi suite was probably the best investment I had made all week.

But here is what is much more important, in my view. As I sat there being pleasantly pounded by warm jets of water, I was also rewarding myself for a lot of hard work, and sending a signal that I believed in myself. And when I strode on stage the next morning with a jaunty, FDR-like sense of confidence and got rave reviews for my talk, I probably more than earned my 90 bucks back in good publicity.

This reminded me of 1996, a year into my fledgling self-employment, when my consulting work all dried up and my old 100K-mile car started acting up at the same time. I stopped by a dealer in hopes of trading for a modest old car, but what caught my eye instead was a drop-dead gorgeous, loaded new Honda Accord with a special two-year lease. Looking in the mirror that night, I realized this was a test of faith – and I will never forget the feeling of having had no work in three months, having no idea when I would ever work again, driving off the lot in the nicest car I had ever owned.

I eventually kept that car for more than seven years. But just like the whirlpool, it wasn't just a matter of having a nice car. It was a signal to myself about flourishing and not just surviving. It was built-in behavioral modification: every time I slipped behind the wheel, I was an important person who was going to be successful. And you know something, it worked.

Of course, you don't have to buy a car to have the same kind of impact. Back in the 1980s, as a software engineer living in Los Angeles, I put aside ten or twenty bucks every week to have a real blowout lunch somewhere. There was something about sitting under the fountains of the Hotel Meridian or the Newport Hilton every week, patting myself on the back, that made it easier to go back and write code - and if you ask me, probably had more than a little to do with the management career that blossomed soon thereafter.

This week I had another one of those moments. Two and a half years ago, when my previous car's lease was up, I sprung for a nice VW Jetta, but always lusted after the turbocharged, 200 HP Wolfsburg Edition (which back then, only came in dull colors that needed more Prozac – my blog about that debate is here). I heard that VW wasn't making the Wolf in 2011, and decided it was now or never. I found a beauty among the handful remaining, silver with white leather seats, and after a small check and a painless trade-in I am now happily zooming around upstate New York going "who-hoo!"

Of course, we all need to do the right things in our lives. Work hard. Live within our means. Give to charity. Don't be a wastrel and neglect the future. I try to do all of these things. But looking back on what has most affected my mental health – and my success – over the years, I'd like to add one more thing to the list: whether it is a rich chocolate dessert or a new sports car, go treat yourself to something really nice once in a while.

On Brooks Conrad and learning to fail

2010-10-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

I am a huge baseball fan, and there is no finer time of year than the playoffs. It has a totally different vibe than the regular season. Especially when you are there live: compared to the relaxed cadence of a normal Sunday afternoon ballgame, a playoff game has an edgy urgency, in front of a packed house that hangs on every pitch.

Given the knot I feel in my stomach sitting in the stands as a fan, I can only imagine what it is like being one of the 18 men out there in the arena. Some of them are probably locked in doing a job they have done well for years. Others, being human, get caught up in the tension of an atmosphere where one team ultimately succeeds and the other goes home in defeat. And more often than you think, games are decided by human errors that you rarely if ever see during the regular season.

I was thinking of that tense playoff vibe this week reading about Brooks Conrad, a 30-year-old career minor leaguer who suddenly found himself on baseball's biggest stage. Thanks to injuries to two of the star players on the Atlanta Braves' depth chart, he ended up playing second base in a key playoff game – and committed a record three errors, the last of which bobbled a routine play that turned a certain victory into a last-minute defeat. Atlanta bowed out of the playoffs shortly afterward, and after the game Conrad stated that he wished he could "dig a hole and go sleep in there."

So picture this: you have devoted your entire life to becoming a baseball star, enduring years of bus rides and bad food, and finally make it to the top – only to see your moment in the sun drowned out by a chorus of boos, and your name going into the wrong side of the history books. Red Sox great Bill Buckner experienced it when a routine ground ball rolled through his legs to keep the Sox from winning their first World Series in nearly 70 years, and Buffalo Bills kicker Scott Norwood gained a lifelong nickname of "Wide Right" when the Bills lost a Super Bowl on his missed last-second field goal.

So what fascinates me in cases like these – where people fail on some of life's biggest stages – is where they take their lives from there. Some take it on the chin and move on. Like 1993 World Series goat Mitch Williams, who became a respected sports broadcaster, or Buckner, who had a long and distinguished tenure as a baseball coach. Others did not fare so well, like when baseball's Donnie Moore committed suicide three years after surrendering a climactic home run in the playoffs.

What is the difference? In my view, something I call "leaning in" to mistakes. When I was training to become a therapist, I went through an exercise where someone would intentionally criticize my therapy work in front of a group, and I was instructed to simply acknowledge or agree with him. ("You're right. I really did mess that up. In fact, you should have seen me last week – I was even worse! That must have been a really bad experience for my client.") Then the group points out how well you come across by openly discussing all of this criticism.

This was a life-changing experience for me. In a very real sense, my "new toy" over the last three years has been learning to lean into other people's criticism without getting defensive. It works beautifully for other people as well, even in their worst moments. Williams, for example, has made it a point to freely acknowledge and talk about his mistakes in the World Series for years, to the point where he became a welcome and respected figure in the same Philadelphia he lost the Series for.

Nowadays I am often on stage in front of large audiences, sometimes hundreds of people. The vast majority of the time it goes swimmingly. Other times I kick it wide right. Like the time I invited someone on stage to role-play an angry patient with me, and she just got angrier and angrier as she taunted my well-rehearsed techniques. Or the time I name-checked the wrong sports team in the wrong city and was drowned out by a chorus of boos.

I have found that when I lean into these situations with gusto, they usually turn out just fine. The angry person, for example, soon taught both me and the audience a lot about what it's like about her work with challenging people like drug addicts, and it was a great learning experience for all of us. And the sports gaffe led to a productive discussion on what their team does right. Ironically, I feel my worst mistakes often lead me to rave reviews and more business by the time I'm finished.

So smile, Brooks Conrad. Own what happened and lean into it. And then come back next year – or ride off into the sunset – proud of having gotten into the arena to make these mistakes. You'll be fine.

The launch of a great new book

2010-10-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone - Rich here. If you have seen my posts and tweets lately, you know that I've been helping to promote the launch of a great new book: Healing the Corporate World, from my friend and fellow corporate escapee Maria Gamb.

This book resonates with me on a very personal level. I see so much stress in the workplace today, and at the same time have seen workplaces whose values take them - and their teams - to an entirely new level. I have managed very successful values-based teams myself, and studied and written about them in my own book The Soul of an Organization a few years back.

There are some great free gifts for you, including my own full-length 2004 book The Perfect Company, if you purchase Healing the Corporate World on its launch day Tuesday Oct. 12. But more important, the business world needs this book, and has needed someone with Maria's experience and platform to deliver this message. Thanks and enjoy!

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New Author Takes on What's REALLY Ailing the World of Business
New Book Healing the Corporate World by Maria Gamb arrives Tues Oct 12th

"Something is wrong."

These are the first three words that appeared on the page when Maria Gamb first sat down to write her book about what is ailing modern business today.

Maria Gamb, former Fortune 500 executive with over 20 years of experience in the corporate world, and author of the new book Healing the Corporate World: how value-based leadership transforms business from the inside out, knew that stress was endemic in corporate life. She also knew the impact it was having not only upon individuals, but upon entire companies, if not the world as a whole. But rather than settle for the typical approaches to "stress management" so prevalent today, Maria had a different idea altogether as to what the real problem was, and what was needed to rectify it.

By all accounts, Maria was experiencing a highly "successful" career for many years—at least to the naked eye. But inwardly, Maria, a highly sensitive and intuitive woman, with a great belief in the human spirit, felt something was intrinsically wrong with the way businesses were being run in our modern world. Stress wasn't the problem; it was merely the natural symptom that arouse as a result of much deeper issues. Competition, fear, blame, feelings of helplessness, and a sense of not being "seen" had all-too-often become the norm rather than the exception, especially in corporate life. And no amount of stress management would ever make stress go away until these issues were addressed—not only at a personal level, but also at a global level.

She felt it was time to talk about how we were going to transform the business world and heal a seriously ailing system.

Understanding that real change could only come from within, with each person taking personal responsibility for his or her own thoughts and actions, Maria decided to write a book that would serve as a call-to-action to the business community entitled Healing the Corporate World: how value-based leadership transforms business from the inside out.

Maria wrote this book with a passion to start the ripple of change that will do exactly what the title says: HEAL the corporate world. By "healing," she doesn't just mean to rescue our culture from economic crisis, but rather to heal the people and relationships within organizations so they can become healthy, flowing systems for change and creativity that are founded upon values, innovation, personal responsibility and authentic leadership at all levels of the business structure.

And while the title suggests a focus on corporate life, Maria's intention is that the book is NOT just for CEOs, senior managers or even corporations—she sees it as a book for anyone who works, from middle-manager to a new employee on a team to the self-employed and small business owner. Her intention in writing the book is that the principles would be applicable to anyone who wanted to create a more human-focussed society by transforming the way we do business.

The official Amazon launch of Healing the Corporate World starts at 12:01 AM Pacific, Tuesday October 12th. To celebrate the release of this "inspiring and visionary book" (Ernest Chu, bestselling author of Soul Currency), when you purchase Healing the Corporate World on the day of its launch, you can receive a complete library of personal development gifts from dozens of leading authors, business professionals, speakers on the subject of business and self-improvement (including a full-length copy of Rich Gallagher's book The Perfect Company, a Forbes Book Club selection in 2004).

To purchase the book and claim your bonus gifts, go to

http://healingthecorporateworld.com/

When you look at all the bonus gifts, don’t worry about not having enough time to download them all. Maria assures me that as long as you purchase the book during the launch, you’ll have access to the download page until October 31st.

I hope you'll check out Healing the Corporate World on Tuesday October 12th, so we as a society can begin to apply these values-based principles in our work-place, and help start the process of healing for everyone.

Core values and organizational change: Q&A with author Maria Gamb

2010-10-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today I have the great pleasure of being the host on Day 10 of the Virtual Blog Tour for Healing the Corporate World by author Maria Gamb.

Written by former Fortune 500 executive Maria Gamb, who spent more than 20 years trailblazing businesses valued at upwards of $100 million, Healing the Corporate World is a cutting-edge book examining the deep, and usually unspoken, ailment of the modern corporate world, offering solutions for healing at a personal, financial and even spiritual level. By showing the reader "the four cycles of transformational leadership", Maria provides business leaders, from solo entrepreneurs to corporate senior executives, practical answers on how to transform their organizations from the inside out, and become "Change Agents", consciously creating their own reality.

Yesterday, Maria visited Bryn Johnson at http://www.brynjohnson.com/. For today’s stop on the tour, I decided to ask Maria some questions about the core values behind workplace change.

* * * * *

Rich: Hi Maria! After my own book The Soul of an Organization came out (about how cultural values change organizations), the number one question I got was "Great! I'll change! Now, how do I change my boss?" What would your answer be?

Maria: I love this question! LOL I get it a lot. Here’s the cold hard truth: Your boss isn’t the problem, you are. I can feel the anxiety rising as you read this! Here’s what I mean. You cannot and should not try to change anyone. It’s none of your business and it’s not your job. Your job is to work on yourself; personally and professionally, to become the best leader, team member, colleague, wife, husband, parent or other. By working on yourself and letting go of what I call “ego behaviors” you come back to your true self. That kind, compassionate, caring person who helps others, contributes the best they can and is open to creativity, innovation and expansion without being attached to “being right” or “getting even” with that boss who you may not like very much.

Often times the things we see in another person are the very things we need to work on changing or improving on our own leadership. That irritating boss is actually probably going to be one of your best teachers!

Rich: Are there core values you feel are universal? Or do they vary from organization to organization?

Maria: I believe that core values are indeed universal. Just about every one of them comes back to 3 grounding principles – they are rooted in love - the care of others, compassion - the connection to others and acceptance - the engagement of others. Most people haven’t considered it this way, but it is so. An organization will tell you which of the 3 is of most importance to them by the values they select. Values of any organization are usually a result of challenges and lessons of those setting these standards.

More than just the values set by an organization; each individual needs to consider what their value-stand is on a personal level. These are their boundaries and rules of engagement. How they choose to operate in this world. And what they believe is important to creating their own happiness and success as well. The power of the organization IS in its people.

Rich: What do you feel the potential is for global and not just individual change along the lines of your book? Is there a "tipping point" where everyone starts to follow?

Maria: The “tipping point” is the realization that the power really does lay with the people – they are far more powerful than they realize. What I am sharing in this book is that it IS up to them to start the momentum and movement in how business is conducted. The shift is going to come from the “middle” – where the most manpower, resources and yes, influence lay. Every small contribution causes a ripple, which leads to a tidal wave. This is a phenomenon Dr. Ernest Lazslo calls the “Butterfly Effect”.

People forget their actions, decisions and the choices they make not only affect them. They are more far-reaching and global than they know. In business this is even more profound depending upon the kind of company you have or work within.

Additionally, these turbulent times have brought us back to fundamental values of trust, integrity and transparency. There is a great need for collaboration, which maximizes resources. The creation of new jobs and businesses are reliant upon creativity and innovation. In short, we, globally, are looking to create security and success. Using principles of cooperation rather than competition is what are required. Those who can embrace this will succeed and thrive. As momentum builds people will jump on board of those who move in this direction. People are unhappy, unfulfilled and as others move towards creating a more fulfilled life and livelihood others will be more inclined to follow rather than feeling like a victim.

* * * * *

I hope you enjoyed this interview with Maria Gamb and that you’ll check out her new book Healing the Corporate World, which is coming to Amazon on Tuesday October 12, 2010. You can receive a complete library of beautiful personal development gifts when you buy the book on the day of its launch.

In addition, Maria is hosting an exciting FREE 4-day telesummit entitled “Transforming Business from the Inside Out” on October 4th - 7th with a distinguished panel of 9 of today's most innovative authors and speakers (including me!) on becoming the 'Change Agent' in your business, in your life and in the world!

If you’d like to attend, all you have to do is request a “launch reminder” about the book, and you’ll receive all the information to attend. If you cannot make the live event, you can download the audio at your convenience.

To find out how to buy Maria’s BOOK and receive these gifts, including the FREE pass to the 4-day online telesummit, go to http://www.healingthecorporateworld.com/.

You can read all about the TELESUMMIT and the guests at http://www.healingthecorporateworld.com/telesummit.html.

Be sure to follow Maria tomorrow when the next stop on her Virtual Blog Tour is Yvonne Perry blog at http://weareoneinspirit.com/

As usual, please do feel free to share your comments and thoughts below. I love reading your feedback.

The Rational Entrepreneur

2010-09-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Usually, I don't consider myself smart enough to take on the folks at the Harvard Business Review. But this article, passed along by my good friend Barry Moltz, caught my attention. It describes entrepreneurs as being in the grip of a compulsive disease, from which most fail miserably.

You see, I've always thought of being an entrepreneur as a very sober, rational choice, while having a job seems risky and crazy to me.

Take my case. I am one of five children, all with engineering degrees. And the only one to be self-employed since my great-ancestor John Gallagher sold pots and pans from a cart in Portland, Maine in the 1800s. I've now spent more than a third of my career working for myself, most of it selling my own services (writing) or content (books, speaking, webinars, etc.).

From where I sit, I have seen so many of my friends and family members lose their jobs over the last couple of years – most after long tenures of working really hard. Good people whose only crime was making too much money, being 52 years old, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time when some executive decided to "align the company with our future strategy." Many of them had to wait months to get back to work again. And the percentage of smart people I know who have gone through this is, to me, stupefying.

Me? I don't have a job that can get whacked at any time. I have 20 or so clients. If one client or three happen to drop out, big whoop. And much of my work is booked in advance or on contracts, so it doesn't feel all that insecure to me. Plus, I rather like the boss. I even get to kiss the vice-president every day.

Perhaps this is a terminology issue. If being an entrepreneur means launching the next Silly Putty or creating a new social media paradigm, perhaps it is a disease that carries a high risk of failure. But if it means selling things people normally buy, whether it's dinner or freelance writing, I feel it's a very rational, practical, and risk-averse mindset - especially as we age.

Does that mean that I feel everyone should go out and be entrepreneurs? Nope. If the thought of living in a world of cash flow rather than paychecks makes you blanch, keep punching in with my blessings. Ditto if you love your job. And double ditto if you aren't sure what you would do and where your clients would come from.

It does mean, however, that I don't think - I'm looking at you here, Harvard - we should look at entrepreneurs like some strange species of zoo animal. I personally think we're pretty normal myself. If not a little moreso.

The Do-It-Yourself Family Therapy Kit

2010-09-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

I sometimes joke that when I am not busy defusing angry people on stage as a public speaker, I get in the middle of family arguments. I am about to graduate soon as a marriage and family therapist, and actually, I enjoy it tremendously. It is gratifying work where couples and families often move from a place of anger and pain to re-discovering one another again, with a little guidance.

At the same time, I have to be honest with you: what I do is really pretty simple. There is more science behind it than you might think. And you can do it yourself in your own relationship. Looking back on several hundred therapy sessions, I could boil many of them down into five simple rules:

1. No criticism. Ever. Really. Before my first session with a family is over, I tell them my mantra: you can never successfully criticize anyone for anything, ever. There are few less successful undertakings than trying to convince someone else they are wrong.

We all have a hard-wired survival instinct to push back against criticism – listen carefully – no matter how right it is. Get this and everything starts changing.

2. Ask for what you want. So now what happens with all those grievances you have with your loved ones: the crumbs in bed, the bad attitude, the affair two years ago? Here's what you do: ask them for something specific and actionable. And remember, NO criticism.

I can read your mind right now. You are saying, "Look, I've asked my partner over and over and over to stop doing X, and she keeps doing it anyway." No you haven't. You've been complaining to her in a tone of voice that would curdle milk, and she's responded with human nature. So try it again: "Agnes, honey, I would love it if you could do X. It would make me so happy. Where could we go with this?"

Maybe the other person will say yes. Maybe they will say no. Maybe the problem is unsolvable, like when she wants children and he doesn't. Either way, you'll be talking productively, instead of watching the other person respond passively or aggressively to your gripes. So ask them to go mountain climbing, see a movie with you every week, or kiss you passionately. Then watch what happens.

3. Ask what they want. What makes your kid happy? What is your partner most worried about? How do they feel about the X that you are asking for? Knowledge is power, and most of us spend too much time wondering what to say to someone and not enough time wondering what to ask.

4. Cheer the other person on. Do you have a rotten kid, or a complaining spouse? Pop quiz – how often do you compliment them, or say things that accept them for who they are, or comfort their mistakes? There is a stronger correlation between these things than you might think. People are capable of amazing transformations when they feel loved and supported.

5. Create your own great life. In grad school, they teach us a spectrum. At one end people are "enmeshed" – highly reactive and dependent on others for their emotional well-being. At the other end they are "differentiated" – loving and secure, but not needy. We want you to be more differentiated and less enmeshed. So start being a great partner or family member by making yourself happy.

Is that all there is to it? Well, not always. But as long as you both care, and aren't beating each other with sticks or recovering from trauma, this is actually a pretty good summary of where a family therapist might lead you. Try it for yourself, and watch some amazing things start to happen with the people you love.

How to stop criticism in its tracks

2010-08-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

Are you constantly being criticized by people? Perhaps bosses, or spouses, or parents, or friends? And do you feel worn down by it?

Here is a neat little tool I recently developed for my therapy clients. It is a worksheet where you plug in the right words, and then watch the other person's criticism go down the drain. It is based on very powerful, evidence-based principles of strength-based communication.

It came into being when I would instruct people to "acknowledge" or "validate" the other person, and they had no idea how to go about it. So I would whip out a sheet of paper and write down a step-by-step procedure, and suddenly everything became clear. Try it yourself and let me know what you think!

The criticism-stopping worksheet

Step 1. Begin your response with, "Well, of course!"

Step 2. Describe the worst possible thing the other person might be imagining. Don't hold back!

Step 3. State your own case. Use facts, stay positive, and never, ever use the word "but."

Step 4. Ask "What do you think?"

Here are some examples of how it works:

Mom: What a stupid idea you have about majoring in acting!
College student: Well, of course! I'll bet you worry that I am going to end up a starving actor who hangs around your house drinking beer in my underwear until I'm 43. In reality, I am planning to see how I can use the acting skills I learn to succeed in business, while I try to build a career. What do you think?

Boyfriend: Sheesh – here you go with another crazy business idea!
Girlfriend: Well, of course! The last business I tried failed miserably, so you are probably worried that I am going to crash and burn again – and take our finances with it. Here is how I am planning to gradually bootstrap this business this time (...) What do you think?

Wife: You never pay attention to me. You are always in front of your computer.
Husband: Well, of course! You probably feel like I am married to my career instead of you these days. I have been pretty busy, but perhaps we should schedule a "date night" every week just for us. What do you think?

So what do you folks think? Welcome your comments!

Corporate communications: Talk to the hand

2010-08-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

An old joke among my fellow engineers goes something like this: A man goes up in a hot air balloon on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Soon he gets caught in a big gust of wind and becomes completely lost. Seeing a person on the ground, he descends and calls out to her, "Where am I?" She responds, "You are in a hot air balloon." He replies, "You must be an engineer, because you just gave me an answer that is technically correct, but completely useless."

Now, here is my own hot air balloon story. Recently, an over-the-counter medication that my wife and I use regularly went completely AWOL. We could not find it in any store, and every major online retailer was mysteriously out of stock as well. But we hadn't heard anything about it being discontinued, so I e-mailed the company.

The response I received did note that "we are aware of the problem," but the rest of it was corporate twaddle about how they "appreciate the time I have taken to contact them" and "would be happy to assist me in the future." I will not reprint it here, to protect the guilty, but I will translate it into plain English: We are too stupid to know when, where, or if you can purchase our products, or to even acknowledge you directly.

Shortly before that, I called another large company after discovering the PFFFTTT of a broken inner seal on their orange juice. This time I was subjected to a lengthy interrogation – including being asked no less than three times if I really, really didn't have an alternate contact number – and was then ordered to keep the product in my refrigerator until I received a letter from them. This week I finally received the letter, which magnanimously informed me that I was now free to discard my own orange juice.

The lesson in both stories? Most organizations don't realize there is a simple way to turn their customers into raving fans, sitting right under their noses: change the scripts they use to deal with the public.

The word "script" strikes fear into the hearts of many customer advocates. But to me, there is great joy in good scripts. Back when I was director of customer services for a large NASDAQ software firm, great scripts that used people's names, paraphrased their concerns, and used solution-oriented language formed the bedrock upon which we built high service ratings and strong sales growth. Unfortunately, most organizations use robotic scripts that sound like they could care less, like the ones above.

Another important reason for good scripts: your own front line people. When someone like me, who is unfailingly polite, comes away feeling annoyed by transactions like these, I can just imagine how customers with lower EQs react. This is probably why your staff sound like robots who would rather be doing their taxes than working for you.

Let's close with a rare good example. A few months ago, some goof managed to hack my Apple iTunes account and charge themselves a gift certificate. When I finally figured out how to e-mail Apple (which is like trying to call the Pope), I received a response that began, " I understand you are concerned about purchases that were made with your iTunes Store account without your permission or knowledge. I realize how upsetting this can be for you. Thank you very much for reporting this to us." Wow. Perfect. And probably being cut-and-pasted just like all the other corporate responses I get. See what a difference the right words make?

(P.S. Shameless plug department: Do you want corporate communications that help your customers adore you, your employees love coming to work, and your sales go through the roof? Connect with me (gallagher -at- pointofcontactgroup.com) for a nice no-sales-pressure-whatsoever chat, anytime!)

Five Life Lessons I've Learned from My GPS

2010-08-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Last month, I finally joined the 21st century and purchased a GPS system for my iPhone. And now that I've been using it for a few weeks, I have discovered something amazing. It is not just a travel accessory – it has also become sort of a spiritual advisor.

Here are some of the life lessons I have learned from my GPS:

1) Slow down. Picture this. My wife and I are having a great time at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware last week on vacation. So great that we lose track of the time. And now here we are sitting in a traffic jam at the beach, 120 miles away from a Phillies game starting in less than two hours, for which I had $70 worth of tickets. So I drive like a maniac to get there, as my GPS continually updates our precise arrival time, and save ... a whole two minutes.

I am one of those type-A people who is constantly rushing through life. And what the GPS is telling me is that all that cortisol squirting through my bloodstream is really for naught. I may as well relax and enjoy myself more, because rushing the rhythm of life doesn't help me anywhere near as much as I thought.

2) Trust in a higher power. Years ago, getting somewhere required me to be in control of everything. I had to purchase maps, look up routes, get directions (yeah, I know, men never ask for directions...), and then keep track of the route along the way. But now, I have to put my trust in the GPS. I set a goal, it tells me only where to turn next, and I have to follow it.

In life in general, I also often feel that I have to be in control of everything. But I really am not. There is a saying that "man plans, God laughs," and I need to laugh along more. Life itself only gives us directions one turn at a time, and I am slowly learning to trust that each step will lead me to a good destination.

3) You get to do things over. What happen when I ignore the pleasant, detached voice of my GPS? It simply tells me what to do next. No criticism, no raised voice. It doesn't even tell me it is recalculating the route, like some models used to do. It just pleasantly tells me where I can turn next to get back on track.

So what would happen if every boss, every parent, and every spouse suddenly started acting like a GPS? Never criticizing, never saying "I told you so," just patiently telling the people they love how to get back on track again? I think the world would be a much better place.

4) Stay charged up. GPS systems need a lot of power, and I cannot use it for very long without plugging it in to be charged. This is a good reminder that I too need to stay "charged up" with good food, quality sleep, and positive people as I careen through one busy day after another.

5) Think big. What would you do if you knew that you could never get lost? That you could find your way out of any situation? That you couldn't fail? Would you take on bigger and better things than you are now?

Like most people, I used to have terrible stage fright. Nowadays I speak comfortably to audiences of hundreds of people all the time - and in fact, even one talk I gave to 5000 people felt like another day at the office. What changed? The simple belief that I cannot fail. Whatever happens on stage, living in the moment and not worrying seems to get me through it. And this is turning out to be a great perspective to have for just about everything in life.

So to my surprise, it turns out that I am getting directions from my GPS at several levels. Where is yours leading you?

The real "Secret"

2010-08-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

If you follow my blatherings on Facebook or my blog, you probably know that I am no slouch as an author nowadays. In recent years my books have been pretty successful on Amazon, nominated for major awards, published in several languages, yada, yada, yada.

Now, here is something you didn't know. I am only the second best writer in my household.

Here is why you don't know that. My darling wife writes jaw-dropping fiction. She has a talent for painting incredible landscapes of tortured psyches and the human condition. She could take a simple trip for pizza in a small rural town and turn it into an existential masterpiece. And her plots are intricate but refreshingly inventive. If you were to read one of her books you would be gripping the arms of your airplane seat, or staying up way too late turning the next page.

Except that she hasn't completed a book yet. Why? Because she never pictured herself as a successful author. She would say things like, "people say that we're all just mosquitoes in the middle of the ocean." And she turned messages like that into an unspoken belief that she was never good enough, so why bother. Which is why we average five published books apiece nowadays – ten for me and none for her.

Of course I love her madly, novel or no, so no pressure from my end – but with time and encouragement, she is finally starting to see the gifts that I have always seen. Today she is finally working in earnest to complete her first real novel project. It is going to be incredible, and what I have seen so far is incredible already. So stay tuned.

But this brings up another point for you – yes, you – to think about. The difference between Colleen and I is not our writing talents. (If it was, we would be living nicely off her royalty checks.) The difference is the mental images we hold of ourselves. I always saw myself as a successful published author, even 20 years ago when I was like Father Mackenzie, writing the words to a sermon that no one will hear. So I acted like a success, and made choices presuming that I would be one. And guess what happened?

So now, I look at all the other big goals in my life. Moving back to Ithaca in the 1990s, when we were tired of living in big cities. Escaping the corporate grind. Becoming a full-time writer and speaker. Each of these goals were things that I pictured clearly in my mind for a long time. Between that and studiously ignoring my friends' well-meaning "reality" ("Everyone starves in Ithaca." "You can't quit your job in a recession." "No one makes a living as a writer."), all of them came true.

This was true for much more than career goals. Like becoming a homeowner in the overheated Los Angeles housing market of the 1980s, when everything seemed out of reach, by being patient and finding the right condo and the right deal. And then there were more personal ones. Like when I dreamed at age 18 of meeting a soulmate, right down to the dark, curly hair and the wire-rimmed glasses – and how we met and fell in love soon after. Looking back on those days, Colleen surprised me recently by saying that before we met back then, she had imagined someone just like me as well.

The bestselling book "The Secret" talks about what they call the power of intention – you will attract what you think about, and the universe will align itself to provide it. For an Irish Catholic like me with an engineering degree, its premise is frankly a little too spooky, kooky, and get-rich-quick-y for my tastes. But here's where I think the real secret is: when you hold a goal clearly in your mind, universe or no, *you* will start making all those tiny, subconscious choices that will ultimately make your goals happen.

This isn't a new concept. I first read about it decades ago in the 1960s book Psycho-Cybernetics, where plastic surgeon Maxwell Maltz talked about how you can put your subconscious mind to work on any goal you can imagine for yourself. And by golly, it seems to work pretty well for me. It is still in print after all these years, and I've just picked up a new copy to re-read. Maybe you should too?

Labels

2010-07-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

I am not much for labels.

Some of you may know that I am now working two days a week as a psychotherapist, to finish my graduate work, and I hear all sorts of labels there. Sometimes clients borrow them from our profession: My roommate is bipolar. My son has borderline personality disorder. She's a narcissist. He's a nut.

Other times these labels spring from the client's life. My son's girlfriend is a tramp. My daughter is married to an ex-convict. My boss is a control freak. My long-suffering husband is a saint to put up with these rotten kids. Or perhaps worst of all, I am a loser.

If we are honest with ourselves, we see labels as things that helps guide us away from the rocks on the shore of life. Like a speed limit sign or a construction roadblock, they are supposed to lead us away from bad things and toward good things. So we use them as a shorthand to put all of the other people in our lives into neat, little boxes, in hopes of making us safer and happier.

Now, here is why I want you to stop using them:

First, labels aren't what we call "actionable." They do not tell us anything or help us change anything. There is no therapeutic intervention for being married to a "bum" or being a "nut," for example.

Second, they are often wrong. One of the great things about therapy is that we are trained to hear all sides of a story, from all of the players involved. So more often than you might think, the "tramp" daughter is settling down with someone she loves after a couple of conflicted relationships, the "saint" father constantly criticizes his children, and the "rotten" kid is intelligent, sensitive, articulate, and acts very nicely around people who do not constantly put her down.

Third, they do not tell the whole story. Does calling someone "bipolar" also let you know that they are creative, caring, and a faithful partner? Does "ex-convict" accurately reflect the reality of someone who works hard every day and loves his children? Do "saints" ever make their families completely miserable every day by creating an atmosphere of disrespect?

I see just one good use for labels: when they help people understand something that they can fix. So if we diagnose someone's child as having ADHD, for example, they may move from being "bad children" to someone with a treatable medical disorder. Pointing out that a couple is in what we call a "pursuer-distancer" relationship may help them learn to communicate better. And someone who suffers from a severe anxiety disorder may find it liberating to learn their problem has a name, and a way out of it.

So what can we do without our comfortable, familiar labels about people? Talk about specific behaviors and specific reactions. Learn to articulate how you feel and what your boundaries are. And above all, try to understand and respect everyone you cross paths with, including yourself. If you can succeed in doing that, I have a label for it: wonderful.

*P.S. Important disclaimer: the examples in this article are generic and do not reflect my actual clinical cases.

Dear retail store

2010-07-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

Here's why I don't buy things from you anymore.

Today I was at a bookstore getting some professional books for my graduate work. Yes, I could have ordered them online, like I usually do. But I read them first in your store, and wanted to be fair about it. So here I was at your checkout counter with about a hundred dollars worth of books.

But instead of simply ringing up my copy of Psychotherapy for Fun and Profit, you started asking me a whole bunch of questions. It went something like this:

"Do you have our membership card?"
"Sorry, I do not"
"Would you like to purchase one? It is only $25."
"No thank you"
"But you would save $14 on your purchase today if you bought one"
"No thank you"
"So tell me, do you live around here?"
"Yes"
"Well, then, you would certainly save money if you purchased this card. You are more than halfway there already with today's purchase."
"No thank you. Really."
"Don't you buy enough books to make this worthwhile?"
"I usually purchase my books online"
"Well, your membership will save you money on our website as well"

For a moment there I honestly wanted to be helpful. I wanted to explain sympathetically that there were too many cards in my life already, and that the thought of netting $7.63 a year didn't really excite me. But then I wondered, philosophically, what has led us to the point where businesses routinely subject their paying customers to interrogations like these? I thought it was their job to serve us, not the other way around.

So I just stood there with a quizzical expression on my face, and you then let out a deep sigh and continued blathering on about how you couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to save money, as you finally rang up my purchase. And I will leave it as an exercise to the reader how anxious I am to return.

Of course, I realize this isn't really your fault. Or the fault of the boss who pressures you to act this way. Or even the corporation that probably makes your job dependent on selling enough of these memberships. It is really the fault of the law of unintended consequences.

You see, once upon a time, some brilliant person at your headquarters discovered that by hassling Every Single Paying Customer to purchase these memberships, their revenue went up. And so upper management probably gave this person a raise, and then ordered you folks on the front line to annoy people as, silly us, we would try to buy your books.

Of course, this makes us buy more online so that we don't have to deal with Dracula behind the counter. Which leads to market declines you blame on everything from the economy to your debenture financing. Which leads you to pressure your staff to sell, sell, sell even more, as we retreat further to cyberspace and develop even less patience for being "sold." See where this is heading?

As a postscript, I had this conversation with nearly *every* store I went into today, each of which wondered why I wasn't using their specific Discount-a-palooza card. I am still not sure why they haven't figured out the idea of just discounting their products and treating me nicely. But while they ponder that, I am heading back to my computer.

Just the facts, ma'am

2010-07-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

The biggest surprise about studying to be a marriage and family therapist isn't how often friends want to talk to me about their relationships. Rather, it is how I have completely lost my ability to answer them.

It's not because I am getting more stupid with age. (Please don't all comment at once. :) It is because we do exactly the opposite of what friends do. When you are having a conflict with someone, a friend will normally clasp their head in their hands and say, "Wow! What a horrible person the other person is! And how right you are!"

MFTs, on the other hand, are often accused of being neutral in a conflict. Actually, we are much worse than that: we take everyone's side. The lofty clinical term for this is "multidirected partiality." In plain English, it means that we try to teach everyone how everyone else sees the world – and then leverage that to build new relationships and better ways of problem solving. So a lot of what we do involves helping people see the other person's position and speak to its interests. We do this not to kiss up to people, but rather because, clinically, it is pretty much the only approach that works.

This isn't what friends want to hear, of course. And I certainly understand and respect why. Emotionally, it is much more satisfying to have someone take your side against the bad guy or gal, and that is what friends are expected to do. So while I certainly express lots of empathy for people, the minute I actually start to answer their questions I am on thin ice. Because I am trained to get them thinking about how to engage in dialogue with these dirty, rotten, horrible (fill in your own adjective here) people.

So does this mean that friends can't ever ask me for advice? Really, I don't mind. Just as long as they realize that they probably aren't going to like my answers. (Oh, and while we're at it, you should also never ask a budding psychotherapist how they are doing, because they will probably tell you! That's why we are no fun at parties either.)

Meanwhile if, lucky you, you don't know me well, here is a small example of what we teach people. It is a powerful technique called "reframing." It means that you stop labeling the other person, and start boiling down your interactions with them into cold, hard facts. For example:

• "He is a goof-off" becomes "He is two days later with his projects than most of us."
• "She is a control freak" becomes "She makes sure we finish all of the paperwork"
• "My boss is stabbing me in the back" becomes "My boss feels free to share his opinion of me with others, just like I do"
• "My co-worker is always angry" becomes "When my co-worker says X, this is how I respond"

To try it out for yourself, just stop saying the things on the left, and start saying the things on the right. Then watch what happens. It helps a lot, right? That's what my clients tell me. And do you see why my friends think I've grown three heads when I suggest a heaping helping of it?

But it *is* extraordinarily powerful. Think about it: when a coach tells a team they "choked" or "stunk," those words are not only scary but useless. There is no such thing as an anti-choking procedure or a non-stink drill. What actually happened is that they dropped a critical pop fly in the eighth inning, and that can be dealt with. Move from criticizing people to troubleshooting facts, and you will be amazed at what you can address and resolve. Good luck!

Take two!

2010-06-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

If you've read my past blogs, you know that if you ask me what I do for a living, I might stand there tongue-tied. Because I do a lot of things. But for much of the last 15 years, except for a stint in the early 2000s managing a call center, there have been two main ones. I generally make about half of my living writing for people and half as a public speaker.

Which got me thinking about the whole career identity thing that most of us have. The majority of us are encouraged to be X, and be a good X – whatever X is. Often, we define our sense of self around what we "do," as opposed to who we are. Like my parents, who had a typical Fred-Flintstone-and-Wilma relationship where he had his career in engineering and academia, and she was a homemaker.

I had a couple of X's in my career too. First was a technical career that took my wife and I all over the United States, and later a management career leading call center and software development teams. I did well in those fields, even winning awards and serving on government advisory committees, but truth be known, I can't look back on those days as a time where I couldn't wait for Monday morning.

So one of the best things that ever happened to me was in late 1994, when word got around that layoffs were coming at the big software firm I was at. I went to the CEO, said, "Ooooh, me, me, me, pick me!", and left with a one-year consulting retainer – as well as the knowledge that from then on, I would have to eat what I catch. Along with the discovery that, for the first time in my life, Mondays were something to really look forward to.

But that wasn't the best year of my life. 1996 was. The year that my consulting retainer ended and all my other work ground to a halt for almost six months. Was that scary? Surprisingly, not as much as I thought. Suddenly I had time to really think, and started spending afternoons at the Glenwood Pines enjoying a Pinesburger, taking in a great view of the lake, and starting to sketch out a series of notes for what I really wanted to do.

It turned out there were lots of things I wanted to do, including writing for people and training. Some of those notes eventually became my next book Smile Training Isn't Enough, as well as laying the groundwork for my first training program. And more important, I started making connections with other people. By the time 1996 ended, I had earned enough to get by from more than a dozen different things – and started to get the sense that while I no longer had a career doing X, I could, in fact, learn to fish.

Now fast forward 15 years later. Those notes at the Pines eventually became the basis of nearly everything I do today, and I enjoy every minute of it. And as I look around me, a lot of other successful self-employed people I know are also "ands": writers *and* speaking coaches, therapists *and* professional photographers, etcetera. They aren't hung up on being just one flavor, and neither am I. Which leads me to the lesson I want to leave with each of you from this blog:

Stop thinking of yourself as someone who only does X. God gave you 168 hours every week, and you can spend them however you wish. And life is too short not to start going after all those little "x"s you've always wanted to do. Perhaps they will turn into a career – or, as in my case, more than one of them. Take two, or three, or five of them if you wish. Move toward the things that really give you pleasure, invest your time in them, and great things will happen. Good luck!

Podcast: Difficult workplace conversations on The Career Clinic

2010-06-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

Last month, I had a great interview on the nationally-syndicated radio show The Career Clinic(R), hosted by Maureen Anderson (http://www.thecareerclinic.com/). We talked for a full hour on how to handle some of your most difficult workplace conversations, using concepts from my latest book How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work (AMACOM, 2009).

This was no softball author interview. Maureen, a fellow AMACOM author herself, regularly hosts guests ranging from bestseller Harvey Mackay to What Color Is Your Parachute? author Richard Bolles (one of her mentors), and in my case she went right for the tough questions: How do you fire someone? What do you say to someone who is gunning for you at work? How do you have a "strength-based" conversation when someone just blew off something really important, and you're pretty angry about it?

So how did I do? Well, you'll just have to listen - here's a link to a podcast of the full show (18MB): http://bit.ly/bsFj6X. But I will say that (a) I've rarely had more fun on an interview, (b) you will learn a lot of new things you can use right away in your own tough workplace conversations, and (c) I did get invited back. Enjoy!

The Giant Ice Ball

2010-05-20T23:15:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you can't seem to do anything right? I just did. Today seemed like a never-ending case of brain lock, with client issues, grad school, bills, you name it. If there was a way to do something stupid with anyone, I was certainly able to figure it out.

Thankfully no major harm was done. Even more thankfully, I am not beating myself up about it. For one thing, I just came off the road and often have a day or two of brain freeze afterward. For another, I've been incredibly busy, which is always music to the ears of any self-employed person, but it also means that, well, I've been incredibly busy. And finally, I'm human like everyone else.

Which leads me to an important communications skills issue: what do you tell yourself when you mess up? And what do you tell others when they mess up?

According to psychologists, we construct reality from the words we choose. Tell yourself you are a failure and, by golly, you are one. Look in the mirror and say you are the greatest, and you're right again. You see, your subconscious cannot differentiate between real experiences and imagined ones, and so it hangs on your every word.

So, against that backdrop, here is one of the greatest things I've ever heard - something I've been telling myself (and occasionally others) ever since:

First, the context. Back in the 80s I once accepted a job offer and then almost immediately had cold feet. It brought my homesick wife back East, but aspects of the work itself were far out of my comfort zone. But I sucked it up and moved there. And then, two weeks before I was supposed to start, got offered another job out of the blue that I was much more comfortable with. So now, here I was going from office to office at the first company, with my tail between my legs, explaining my decision to everyone.

Many of these people were not happy, and understandably so. Some gravely intoned how disappointed they were. Some were subdued. Some were clearly upset - like the person who lost a hiring bonus for attracting me. But then I finally got to the office of one of the company founders, and his words have stuck with me ever since:

"Rich, I believe in the giant ice ball theory. Thousands of years from now, the world will turn into a giant ice ball, and no one will care about any of this. Good luck at your new job."

He was right. Today, a quarter-century later, the world still hasn't turned into a giant ice ball yet, but no one cares anymore.

Today that ice ball is one of my best friends. Last year I was on the losing end of a contract bid that would have set me up nicely for years. This year a new interpretation of state law threw a major monkey wrench into my graduate clinical work. And I had a serious auto accident that smashed up my relatively new car. How did I react to all of these things? A lot better than you might think. In fact, in each of these cases I said "darn" briefly, and then reflected on how good I really have it and went back to work.

Same goes with many of the routine frustrations that come with my line of work, from late payments to cancelled flights. I'm not always perfect, but most of the time people are surprised to find that I'm not really upset with them when things go wrong. Why? Because I have a giant ice ball in my back pocket.

So try the giant ice ball on for size with your own situations. See how you feel, and see where it leads you. I'll bet life will become a lot cooler in more ways than one.

My big sales secret

2010-04-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Last year was a good year for my consulting practice. And while I was doing my taxes, it struck me that my income came from nearly 20 sources. Each a client with a story to tell. This got me thinking about how many of these client relationships spring from one core sales secret. Here it is:

I don't sell. Ever.

Seriously. If you've ever met with me, you probably noticed that I could care less whether I make the sale. I don't "close." I don't "overcome objections." I don't have a "sales cycle." Instead, we talk honestly about what you need, and what I can offer you. If I am not an outstanding choice for you, in your judgment or mine, I am happy to suggest other options. And then we'll shake hands.

Likewise, if you work with me, you may have noticed I am not constantly angling for more work. There is a thoughtfully chosen reason for this. I believe you are an intelligent person who knows what you need and when you need it. And I want you to feel every bit as welcome coming back to me three years later as you do three weeks later.

Is this a stupid, naive, or lazy way to sell? No. Here's why:

Think about all the people you've met who really wanted to make the sale. People whose partisanship toward their product or service was obvious. People who would probably never, even on pain of torture, suggest something other than themselves. Do you trust them? Would you go to them for impartial advice? Do you seek to create long-term partnerships with them? Well then. I'll bet that any purchases you made from them were despite their so-called sales efforts, not because of them.

You see, many of my clients are people I've partnered with for a long time. I cherish these partnerships, whether they use me every week or once every couple of years. They already know I am really good at what I do, and even when they don't cross my palms with silver I value being colleagues with them. Most of them probably would have gone running for the hills if I was constantly - or, for that matter, ever - foaming at the mouth to sell to them.

I learned this philosophy from, of all people, a car salesman. For years and years, Jeff has always patiently let my wife and I test drive one car after another, never presses us to make a decision, and knows his products cold. He never asks us stupid questions like, "Are you prepared to buy a car today?" or "What would it take to get you into this vehicle?" That's why we've purchased close to $100,000 in cars from him over the years, and hope to purchase $100,000 more. And why he's always busy every time we see him. If Jeff's employers ever make him read a sales manual, they're toast.

There aren't a lot of Jeffs out there, either on the car lots or in my profession. But I do feel there is a reason that he and I both seem to do really well most of the time: people like dealing with us. So stop caring about making the sale. Throw out most of what you've read on selling, and start thinking about building relationships. And above all, completely blow people away when you work for them. Then all sorts of good things will start happening to you.

Rich Gallagher unplugged: A truly "lights out" presentation

2010-04-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

This week I was the guest of the Albany-Colonie Regional Chamber of Commerce, as the keynote speaker for the annual business awards breakfast. Five minutes before I was scheduled to speak, the power went out, plunging the meeting room into darkness except for candles that were fortuitously lit at each table.

One great thing about having done this for 15 years is that nothing surprises me anymore. (In fact, this was my second power failure as a speaker!) So with no PowerPoint, no microphone, and no lights, we all moved forward and had a great time anyway. Here's a clip from the event:

The ministry of communications

2010-04-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

Normally you don't have to look very far to find examples of people who don't communicate very well. Or worse, seem to have no clue how their public statements will be taken by people. But frankly, I expected much better lately from Pope Benedict and the Vatican.

First of all, I am no Pope-basher. I am, in fact, a devout Catholic who grew up wanting to become a priest, albeit open-minded enough to respect everyone's faith and support things like gay rights. And it is from exactly this position as both a Catholic and a communications skills expert that I find myself increasingly gritting my teeth: Catholicism has been taking a beating in the public eye lately.

Which leads us to the latest issue to rock the Church - its response to how it handled pedophile priests decades ago, often shuffling these child abusers to other parishes to keep molesting children, and bottling up these cases for years at the Vatican. As more details come to light, and as they circle closer to the Pope's own past, the Vatican has been issuing a raft of heated denials as well as condemnation of the press.

However you feel on this difficult and sensitive issue, from a communications skills perspective we are simply hearing too much about the Pope and not enough about the children. The Pope is not just the CEO of some big spiritual corporation. He is the Vicar of Christ. And as Christ's representative on earth, he is supposed to at least try to sound less defensive than your Aunt Mabel from Yonkers. Think about how some of the recent headlines about the Vatican might sound if Christ had uttered them:

"Christ decries press conspiracy against Him"
"Christ claims subordinates shielded abusers, not Him"
"Christ silent about abuse crisis during Easter Week"
"Christ calls accusations 'absolutely groundless'"

Not exactly what you would expect to hear from someone who willingly gave Himself up on a cross, right? While I can't speak for Him, I picture Him weeping for the children. I see Him doing everything He could to tend to them. Above all I see Him following His signature trait from the New Testament, which is doing the right thing, whatever the cost, and not caring a whit about how people judged Him personally. So for starters, if Christ is your boss, we expect you to sound a lot more Christ-like. Especially when we are talking about children who were sexually abused.

So what would I say in a situation like this? Here is how I might advise the Pope, not that he is asking me. First, man up and take ownership of what happened. If, as we are learning, US bishops begged your office to defrock child abusers and there was no action taken for years, then as Ricky Ricardo would say, you have some 'splainin to do. Do it. Second, stop blaming other people: it is not the press's fault this is an issue, nor can you lay this at the feet of some vast anti-Catholic conspiracy. It is ultimately your problem to deal with, and hopefully learn from.

Finally, and most importantly, don't just sit on your throne and ignore the rest of us. We are talking about abused children here, not to mention people leaving the Church in droves. Unless you want to risk going down in history as the Pope who made Catholicism irrelevant in the 21st century, you need to show remorse, humility, and a genuine horror at whatever you were part of, and then learn from it. Not just the "this is bad and we wish it hadn't happened" apologies issued to date, and the ecclesiastical butt-covering that has followed. That's a little like me trashing your car and then saying, "we understand the horror of damaged cars."

Ultimately, I feel that this crisis will end the same way that apartheid, the Holocaust, and so many other atrocities ended: when the victims forgive us. That will ultimately depend on the words and actions of the people at the top. For this to happen, their communications need to be a little more Divinely inspired, or at least pass muster with any lay corporate communicator. Good luck and God bless.

Let's do lunch!

2010-03-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

When I lived in Los Angeles in the 1980s, a common phrase in the entertainment industry was "let's do lunch." Its meaning had little to do with sitting down to eat - rather, it was a sarcastic play on Hollywood-speak that really meant "drop dead - I'll probably never be in contact again."

Seems like we're doing a lot of lunch lately. I was just going through this past week's correspondence, and the number of people who never responded to me - or worse, glowingly promised things and then went ostrich - is truly amazing. There are a lot of people out there whose mommas never taught them to answer e-mails or phone calls.

Now, of course, there are times when no response is absolutely called for. If I am trying to sell you something and you aren't interested, you don't owe me a call. (I don't do cold-call telemarketing anyway. Ewww.) And I'm not even counting all those people who are late paying my invoices or following up on projects with me - that's life in the self-employment lane.

I'm thinking more about people who breathlessly ask to meet with me and then disappear off the face of the earth. Those special ones who send me an e-mail, leave off the attachment, and never respond to my request to send it again. And then there are all those garden variety I'll-get-back-to-you-next-week-but-not-really types. Yada yada yada.

Mind you, this isn't most people. The vast majority I deal with are absolutely wonderful folks who are generally as responsive as I am. But there are a few who are the communications skills equivalent of people who leave the seat up, and they seem to come in waves. This week just happens to be a bigger wave than usual.

So, is society really getting more rude? I'll call you next week about it. Promise.

The theory of relativity

2010-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

Normally, getting five hours of sleep in a stale-smelling budget hotel room isn't my idea of a good time. But last night it was like ambrosia.

You see, my 50-minute connecting flight home from Detroit to Ithaca last night turned into a four-hour ordeal, much of which I spent cramped in seat 5C of a small regional jet, before the flight was finally cancelled. First it was a gate delay, then de-icing, then concerns over the weather for landing. We were actually loaded on and off the plane a couple of times until they finally decided to rebook everyone at 1 AM.

So what struck me, as I now walked through the vast emptiness of Detroit Metro Airport with my hotel voucher in hand, was how *good* a bad situation suddenly felt. Sure, I had looked forward to sleeping in my own bed and seeing my sweetie that night. But after being on a hot, crowded plane full of cranky people, it felt absolutely delicious to bathe in the silence of an empty terminal, stand in the cool night air waiting for a hotel shuttle, and then finally have a space that was mine, all mine, for a few hours of rest.

This got me thinking how every situation is relative, on a small scale or a large scale. Even when we were stuck on the plane, small changes like the engines starting up or the ground crew coming on board triggered major mood shifts, where I would leap in an instant from being sore and tired to being awake and alert. Same with those little points of contact that strangers develop in a cramped space, from knowing smiles to shared stories. What first seemed like an endlessly bad time was, in fact, a collection of vividly changing moments.

But for some people, these moments of relativity seemed completely lost on them. One man on our flight, for example, was a bundle of anger and nervous energy who seemed primed to explode. While most of us bore up under the delay with relative good humor, he jumped out of his seat repeatedly to complain to the lone flight attendant, cut in front of everyone when we lined up for rebooking, pounded his fist on the counter, and bent the ear of anyone within arm's length about what a horrible experience this airline was causing.

Which got me thinking about a deeper level of relativity. The night before, arriving in Louisville for my speaking engagement, my cab driver asked politely if I'd had a good flight. I responded in kind by asking how his night was going, and he drew a deep sigh and shared that he was worried about his family in Haiti. Asking if everyone was OK, he said that some were and then, softly, that some were not. I shared my condolences and offered my prayers, but for the most part I frankly didn't have words that could adequately respect his quiet dignity in the face of loss.

So to be honest, last night I was wondering what would happen if Mr. Pain-in-the-Ass from our flight were to talk with that cab driver from Haiti. Would he rejoice that the wife he was constantly complaining to on his cell phone was alive and would see him in a few hours? Marvel in the privilege of being in a warm hotel bed with clean sheets? Perhaps even learn that creating connection and compassion might help him feel better about his own situations?

I don't know. But I do know that keeping things in perspective helps me a great deal. That's why I smiled at a beleaguered gate agent that night and joked, "No stress in your life tonight!" before worrying about where I would end up for the evening. Why I didn't mind lugging the bags on my shoulders through yet another concourse. And why, ultimately, I felt a sense of peace and comfort being alone on a cold and late night in Detroit. Everything is relative.

55

2010-01-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

55 is a strange age.

For one thing, you aren't young anymore, but you aren't really old. A little over 15 years ago I was still in my 30s. A little more than 15 years from now, God willing, I will be in my 70s.

I have no idea what it feels like to be 70, but 55 really doesn't feel very different from 35. Except when my ophthalmologist suggests that I need to start looking at trifocals. Or I look down at my waist. Of course, I can do something about the latter problem, and I plan to. Starting next month. Maybe.

For one thing, my generation's 55 somehow doesn't seem as old as my parents' 55. Checking out my Facebook friends, for example, a lot of people my age look pretty much the way I remember them from college. And when I was young, I presumed that by this point in my life I'd be married to (and still in love with) some white-haired old lady. Instead, I'm married to a 61-year-old who still looks like Shakira. Lucky me.

For another thing, there is something to that whole wisdom thing. When you've been through the same experiences enough times in your life, you get used to them. When I got that first dent on my brand-new 1979 Mercury, it felt like a disaster. A few months ago, when a high-speed collision with a deer smashed up my new Volkswagen, I realized that I could care less about cars - just very sorry for the poor deer and very thankful for walking away in one piece.

The same logic applies to lots of other life experiences. I like to think that I wake up every morning feeling the same way I did when I was young, but in reality it's a different me that opens up a large utility bill or waits on an hour-long line for airport security. But I still react the same way to a beautiful sunset or freshly baked biscuits.

Best of all, no one cares what I'm doing with my life anymore. I am in the twilight of my career. Which means I can do whatever I feel like doing nowadays.

For example, some kids grow up wanting to be a fireman. I always wanted to be a psychotherapist. I even had a dual major in engineering and psychology at Cornell. But I succumbed to the lure of a booming technical job market in the 70s and 80s, and never could figure out a way to tell my family and friends - or my mortgage - that I really wanted to stroke my chin and say, "Tell me how you feel about that ..." Now, thanks to the magic of being 55 - and three years of grad school - I've starting practicing this year as a real shrink under supervision.

Of course, I'll still speak, train, and write for people, just like I always have. Because I like doing those things too. And that's the point. No one cares. And if I want to be a fireman next year, by golly, I'll do that too.

All told, if I had known what things would be like, I would have turned 55 a long time ago.

A New Year's resolution: Down with willpower!

2009-12-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

A lot of you out there are going to make resolutions for New Year's Eve. And let me guess: a lot of them are going to involve Calvinistic promises to eat less, exercise more, be nicer to Mom, or work harder at your business. And you are going to fail at all of them.

Here is why I am so sure about that. These resolutions all involve willpower. And you may not realize it, but willpower is often the worst thing you could try to develop in your life. In fact, I would like you to start looking at willpower for what it really is: the enemy of success.

For my first example, let's take something I see every week as a therapist: conquering your fears. If you are afraid of driving on the freeway, you might think that the best thing to do is screw up your courage, get behind the wheel, and point your car resolutely toward the on-ramp. You know, like all those platitudes about "doing the thing you fear."

Wrong-o. What you are actually doing is sensitizing yourself to your fears, and probably making no progress at all - or worse, setting yourself back. Clinically, the most effective way to conquer fears is to change how you think about them, and then take tiny baby steps that desensitize you. Ironically, while having fears is very scary, getting well from them is often painless if it is done correctly.

For example, I once used to be afraid to fly. (Never mind that I am a former engineering supervisor at Boeing Aircraft.) And I had "exposure" out the kazoo, logging over a quarter million air miles during my management career, all the way up to 19-hour flights to Asia. But then one day I had a two-hour telephone counseling session from a pilot-turned-therapist who runs http://www.fearofflying.com/, focusing on how I viewed the experience of flying. I literally hung up the phone from that session and said to myself "Now I'm ready for this." And ever since, for 50,000 air miles and counting, flying has been like stepping on a bus.

Now, let's take dieting. Something I've done often. What happens every time is that I cut back my calorie intake, get on the treadmill three times a week, and lose exactly 10 pounds. And then get stuck. And stay there, seemingly forever. After which I get fed up and go back to my normal eating habits. So this New Year's, I am not "going on a diet." Instead, I am going to talk to a nutritionist and learn how to eat better for the rest of my life.

Moving to more sensitive territory, let's talk about your career. Do you think that working harder is the cure for your job woes? That is how your boss thinks, of course. I've got a much better idea: pick the most fun thing you could possibly be doing and become absolutely incredible at it. When I finally left corporate life to spend every day doing what I love, many years ago, it wasn't just the best emotional move I ever made - it was the best financial one as well.

Finally, since this is a communications skills blog, let's close with my favorite subject: getting along with people. Resolving to be nicer to others never works - you either slip back into your old habits, or you open your mouth and nothing comes out. Most people feel like deer frozen in the headlights in their most difficult situations, until they are taught to say the right things. Then it becomes incredibly easy to be nice to people, resolve conflict, and negotiate what you want.

So, if your business struggles with infighting, difficult customers, employee motivation, high turnover, or any other communications problem, I've got a dandy New Year's resolution for you: go to http://www.pointofcontactgroup.com/ and see what we can do for you in 2010. And then watch what happens when you replace willpower with a much more potent force: skill power.

The end of the whatchamacallit decade

2009-12-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

Next week we reach the end of the decade that never was.

Think about it. Have you ever heard anyone use a term to describe these last ten years? I haven't. Sure, back when we partied like it was 1999, we talked about calling this decade the "aughts." But if I gave you a nickel for every time someone has actually used that phrase, you'd have, well, nothing. Same with the "oh-oh's," but even more so, because that sounds too much like "uh-oh." Or, as the Jetsons' dog Astro would say, "rut-row."

The 2000s don't count, because that is a millennium. We get to use that one for the next thousand years. And while we're at it, we've lost a whole century here as well - history teachers who blandly talk about things like the 1600s will find themselves tongue-tied describing the first hundred years of this new era. And so we disappear into mute silence about a large chunk of our history.

Radio stations were among the first to develop corporate amnesia about this decade, using phrases like "hits of the 80s, 90s, and today." Do you think that ten years from now, they will be talking about hits of the 90s, the aughts, and today? I didn't think so either. And now, all those news shows and countdowns reviewing the last decade are coming up with a novel way to describe it: "the last decade."

Perhaps it's the growing realization that the 90s will soon be 20 years old. That people who were born after Wang Chung broke up have children of their own now. Or worst of all, that the next ten years aren't going to get any better: even if you wanted to talk about "the teens," you can't do that until 2013, and probably don't want to anyway. Whatever it is, our nomenclature for dates has succeeded in creating a massive vacuum in history.

This will all get better in 2020, of course. If we are doing well economically by then we could even make like our great-grandparents and call it the Roaring 20s. After that we'll be OK again for another 80 years or so. In the meantime, we could perhaps make like the Chinese, who simply refer to this as the Year of the Ox (or by number as the year 4705, 4706, or 4645, depending upon which epoch you use). Or better yet, stop trying to fit time and history into neat decade-long boxes. That's what I think we "aught" to do.

TV or not TV

2009-12-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

I never watch television, unless there is a baseball umpire on the screen somewhere. But since my darling wife finds 200 cable channels more entertaining than I do, it is often on in the background at our house. And frankly, there is a lot about it I simply don't understand.

Perhaps those of you who watch television more often than me could help me figure some of these things out. Here goes:

-Why does the Food Network never prepare any, um, food - as in, something you would actually serve your family or friends? Unless, of course, you serve them things like braised eel with garlic aioli on a bed of risotto.

-Where do all these people under 30 come from purchasing houses on the Home and Garden Channel for sums like $852,000? And do they all sell crack for a living? When I was that age I was scraping up a $4,000 down payment on a $78,000 condo.

-How come they call it The History Channel when it is actually filled with people like Gnostic bishops, UFO hunters, and end-of-the-world theorists? Perhaps the idea of calling it "The Kook Channel" didn't pass muster with the ol' marketing department.

-Whose brilliant idea was it to rename the SciFi Channel to SyFy? And why do they call it either of those things, when most of their shows involve teenage girls uttering bloodcurdling screams as they outrun some pustulating monster? I'll bet talent auditions at SyFy are pretty straightforward: "Next? All right, honey, let's hear what your scream sounds like."

-Memo to people like Bill O'Reilly, Chris Matthews, and Glenn Beck: do you folks ever smile? And did your parents teach you not to interrupt your guests in mid-sentence? None of you are getting invited to our house for dinner. (Oh, all right, Keith Olbermann, I'll make an exception for you, because you used to work with my brother at WVBR in college, and he tells me you're actually a nice guy. But smile once in a while as we're passing the potatoes, OK?)

-When newscasters tell us to "stay tuned for this important story" for 40 minutes and counting, do they really think I am going to sit there in slack-jawed suspense? Instead of simply going online and reading the story myself three clicks later?

-I am as much a fan of diversity as anyone, but do we really need five different Nickelodeon channels? Or am I missing something here?

All I can say is that I am looking forward to Spring Training in another three months or so. Then watching television will start making sense to me again.

Our Christmas letter

2009-12-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

Dear friends,

Like many people, Colleen and I have fallen into the habit of sending an annual letter every December, rattling off the great things that have happened with us: places we've been, things we've accomplished, and so forth.

But how many of you wake up each morning thinking of other people that way? We don't, and you probably don't either. So this year, we decided to share some of the things that are really important to us. Here are some of our "real" highlights of 2009:

-Colleen and I are both as madly in love with each other as when we first met nearly 37 years ago. In fact, probably more so.

-Colleen is also madly in love with this guy, who is now three years old. And my desire for her to be happy obviously still extends to having live animals in our household.

-Rich wakes up every morning doing work he really enjoys - albeit too much of it sometimes - and is celebrating nearly a dozen years of being self-employed as a writer, author, and public speaker. And most recently a budding psychotherapist, starting in private practice under supervision this past summer and hopefully graduating soon.

-Colleen remains the resident landscaper, photographer, and stained glass artist. And has a truly great novel in the works. One of these days people will discover that she is the real writing talent in the family.

-We don't feel any older or dream any less big, even though we are now 55 and 61 respectively. About the only thing that feels different from our 20s is needing three different pairs of glasses nowadays!

-We cherish our connections with you, our good friends and colleagues. Being in contact with great people every day makes our lives very sweet indeed.

Rich will just brag about one thing, because it meant a lot to him: 2009 was a career year for him as an author and ghostwriter, including a national #1 customer service bestseller and a finalist nomination for a major book award. Details are elsewhere on his blog or Facebook page if you're interested.

So how are you? And what things are important for you at this point in your lives? We'd love to hear from you, and wish you the very happiest holiday season and a blessed 2010.

Love, Rich and Colleen

Taming your worst clients

2009-11-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

Business owners: do you have clients who drive you nuts?

A while back, business growth and customer loyalty expert Carol Roth contributed her unique take on creating a great customer experience, right here on my blog. This week it's my turn to return the favor, on her no-holds-barred business advice blog. Check out my take on taming your worst clients:

http://www.carolroth.com/unsolicited-business-advice/

Thanks a half a million!

2009-11-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

I just went through this year's pile of royalty statements and discovered that I've reached a very cool milestone: lifetime gross sales of my books have now topped half a million dollars and counting.

Most of that sum goes to my great publishers, of course, and gladly so: it is thanks to their investment in me that I have had the opportunity to sell books in large quantities. And my share is divided up over more than 15 years of writing seriously, so financially it's not like I've won the lottery. I still joke to my wife that she had to settle for marrying someone *named* Rich.

But still, how many people do you know whose hobby is turning into a million dollar industry? It got me thinking and reflecting about how far I've come over the years doing something I love.

How did I get there? First, watching other people succeed, and discovering that it was indeed possible for mere mortals to get published. Second, becoming a student of the genres I write in: I always was (and still am) the guy in the bookstore running his fingers along the text of other books, studying their opening hooks, paragraph structure, and core messages. Finally, and most important, I simply wanted it badly enough: even today, when I have a spare moment, the first place it goes when I'm not making eyes at my sweetie is my next book project.

Looking back on all of this, it's very cool selling half a million dollars worth of something I enjoy doing so much. (When you count books I've ghostwritten for other people, it's actually closer to three quarters of a million. But those are their books and their ideas, I was just the wordsmith.) Above all, I hope to have made a difference in the lives and communications skills of all those people curling up with a good Rich Gallagher book. Thanks everyone!

Guest blog: Carol Roth on how Trader Joe's gets customer service right

2009-10-27T13:17:00.000-07:00

It is a true privilege to have Carol Roth - a nationally-known business consultant who has helped companies ranging from startups to Fortune 500 literally raise billions of dollars, grow, and get closer to their customers - share her thoughts about customer experience in this guest blog, which sprang from a recent conversation we had about one of our favorite stores. If you haven't seen Carol's razor-sharp wit and cutting edge business startup advice, you are really missing something: visit her online at www.carolroth.com.

If you follow me a bit, you may know that I love food and I love shopping. But when the two are combined into a task called grocery shopping, well frankly, that never really ranked high on my favorites list. That was until I was introduced to Trader Joe’s.

If you don’t have a Trader Joe’s nearby or have never ventured into one, it is a small footprint specialty grocery store. Their products are mostly their own label, sourced throughout the world, from wood-fired frozen pizzas to 73% Belgian dark chocolate nonpareils (they have lots of healthy stuff too, but I prefer the carb and sugar categories). But it is not their yummy offerings or even their natural ingredient focus that sets them apart. It is the customer experience.

While it can be intimidating to go into a different style of grocery store, the Trader Joe’s staff is beyond friendly. I have been to stores in at least five states and have found at every one that the staff says hello and offers help if you look confused or lost. If you need to find a product, they won’t just point somewhere, they will walk you to the actual product. You don’t even have to empty your shopping cart- they do it for you as they scan. The cashiers always seem ecstatic to be there; they are knowledgeable about their products and will comment on their favorite items from your order or make suggestions on other products you might want to try as they bag your selections.

These little gestures all add up to an enjoyable experience for something that, let’s face it, is really just a chore. And Trader Joe’s creates a premium shopping experience without premium prices (their prices are actually very good). I will contrast this with other premium natural grocery stores that have a god-awful customer experience. I won’t name names (*coughWholeFoodscough*), but there is one specialty store that is incredibly expensive, yet its staff always makes you feel as though they are doing you a favor by letting you shop there. This particular store has employees who are more focused on restocking shelves than helping customers. Often, I can’t even get to the shelves because the employees are blocking them (sorry to be in your way, Mr. Stockboy- as a customer, I hope I am not inconveniencing you by trying to purchase groceries) and once, an employee dropped several 16 oz. bottles of Metromint water on my foot because he was more concerned about restocking than letting me through the aisle.

Trader Joe’s proves that any business can make a customer feel special and create a great experience, regardless of industry, focus or price points. As we continue through the most competitive time for business in history, customer service will become even more important as a point of differentiation. Who knew that you could find great lessons in customer service by visiting a grocery store?

Note from Rich: Carol speaks for many of us. My sweetie and I just went to a Trader Joe's in the Philadelphia area, and people couldn't be nicer - from the woman stocking the shelves, who stopped what she was doing to explain the intricacies of the Kalamata olive oil we were buying, to the checkout clerk who cheerily asked about us as we were going through the line.

And sadly, my experiences with Whole Foods could probably fill another blog. Here's one: years ago I used to love their peanut butter (nowadays I'm allergic to peanuts, go figure). And I would visit one store on business trips and find them sold out. So they would tell me to call two days ahead next time. Which I did. Only to discover next time that, oh, now I'm supposed to call *more* than two days ahead. Not that they cared.

So ... what are *you* doing to brand your customer experience, and get everyone on board with delivering it?

How to be stone cold self-employed, part 3: getting clients

2009-10-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

Now we get to the fun part: where do your clients come from? How to get people to pay money for your products or services is easily the most-promised and least-delivered thing in nearly every book on the subject of self-employment.

To me, the best advice on getting clients came someone who wasn't even writing about self-employment: televangelist Robert Schuller. He asked a wealthy potential donor how to raise a million dollars for his ministry and got a one-sentence response: “How do you catch a moose?” He thought about this and realized he needed to be where potential donors were, and think like they think – and by putting that principle into action, he eventually raised his million.

When you are starting a business, the same principle applies: think like a moose. This means answering one simple question: How do your buyers already buy what you are selling?

-If you mow lawns or do landscaping, the point of first contact for most customers may be as simple as the Yellow Pages or the Pennysaver.

-If your employer finds its consultants through professional society contacts, speak and publish within that professional society (and P.S. do a great job!).

-If you last bought a specific product through web searching or direct marketing, there you go.

In short, doing what other people already do to get clients – and doing it better – is good, being “creative” or taking guesses at how to market yourself is usually bad. So before you drop money on a direct mail campaign, or start knocking on doors, or rent an aerial billboard, ask yourself honestly if you know at least two people who have bought your wares that way.

So how do I get my own clients? Glad you asked. When I was in corporate life, nearly every in-house training program was arranged by the human resources department. So, for the training side of my business, I contact HR or training directors in appropriate organizations, and build partnerships with organizations who serve these departments. (For example, I've taught communications skills training for my local community college's business extension for years now, and they farm me out all to organizations all over central New York.) Likewise, I also partner with people who broker content for things like white papers and webinars.

Another thing I do a lot of is speak for free. I call this "wheeling out the dessert cart," because when I show people up close and personal what I have and how good it tastes, they usually want some. When I get up in front of a group, and send them away knowing what to say in their most difficult customer or workplace situations, invariably a few of them go back and say, "we have to get this guy in our organization." So, in a very real sense, one of my best marketing approaches is lots and lots of me.

As for writing, both my own experience and national surveys tell me that word-of-mouth is most common way to get business, so I spread the word far and wide among people in my network about what I do - a network that includes people who hire writers. I also get a substantial amount of business from people who find me on the web, so I make it a point to have easily searched, high-content web sites with my specialties and home town in the HTML tags.

Finally, far and away the most important thing I do to get clients is totally blow people away with service and quality once I get a gig. Good marketing helped me get started, but referrals and repeat business forms the vast majority of why I am usually so busy.

So there you go: I've just told you more in one blog entry than most of the 40 kazillion books on self-employment I've ever read do about finding real clients - think like a moose. Happy hunting!

How to be stone cold self-employed, part 2: getting the money

2009-10-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

There is this little speedbump that many budding entrepreneurs back up and drive away from. It is called living from paycheck to paycheck. SCSE’s wouldn’t know what a paycheck is – we live in a world of cash flow, not fixed sums handed to us by others. To leap from the first world to the second, you need to figure out some way to survive for – everyone swallow hard now – six months.

Why six months? Because that’s how long it’s always taken me to get from a standing start to being busy and fully solvent when – listen carefully – I am doing things people like and pay for. Here is why: first, few people accelerate immediately from zero to a full plate of clients the minute they go into business. Second, life is cyclical and so is business. Third, even the most successful self-employed person in the world usually has to work for at least a month, then bill or invoice their customers, and then wait 30 to 60 days to get paid.

Of course, there is an important flip side to this. Many if not most forms of self-employment pay a lot more per hour than your 40-hour-a-week job. So once you get *over* the speedbump and onto the freeway, you can be doing very well indeed. The dirty secret of self-employment is that no one cares if you starve, but no one cares if you make three or four times your normal salary in a month either. I have done both, and the latter happens more often than you think – once you get over the speedbump.

That six month buffer has an important spiritual quality to it as well. People who need to get paid tomorrow are desperate in ways that harm their business. Instead of focusing on building relationships and pleasing customers, they are always selling, upselling, or trying to collect – and in the process become tiresome caricatures of what they could be. One consultant I knew even showed up at a client’s house unannounced one evening asking to be paid, and the client was NOT impressed. So breathe deeply, smile, relax, and repeat after me: six months.

Now, before you shuffle away with that dejected look on your face – especially if the thought of missing even a single paycheck gives you the yips – let’s do a little brainstorming together on how you might survive for six months. Can you leave your job with a financial package or consulting retainer? Are there things you could *always* do more or less on demand, like temp work? And of course you don’t want to raid your retirement savings or home equity, but would knowing that a small slice of the interest from it could carry part of your budget in an emergency help you get started?

Notice I am not talking about *raising* money. There are two reasons for that. One is that the vast majority of businesses are self-financed. The second and more important reason is, who wants to owe money or equity to people? The more you lean on others for financing, the more your work looks like another job instead of being a SCSE. So if you are planning to start the next Google or open a plant somewhere, respectfully, this probably isn't your article.

In my case, I took my own unique steps to put six months between my job and reaching my goals. The first time I struck out on my own, as my company was about to lay people off, I said “oooh, pick me!” and left with a consulting contract that covered my first year. The second time, I wrote a popular book while I was still working and banked all of the royalties and speaking fees from it – and today, there are few problems in life that I don’t write my way out of. Whatever approach you take, make peace with a six-month buffer, start thinking in terms of long-term cash flow, and welcome to the world of stone-cold self employment!

Next up, in part 3 of this 4-part series, is the fun part: getting clients. Stay tuned!

How to be stone cold self employed, part 1

2009-10-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

First, credit where credit is due: this article series was inspired in part by a conversation today with fellow speaker and business coach extraordinaire Carol Roth (http://www.carolroth.com/). If you find the lure of self-employment interesting, check out her website for some masterful advice delivered with a razor-sharp wit. While I don't coach entrepreneurs, long ago I put down on paper the things that made me successful, and I'd suggest this exercise for everyone - so here is my two cents:

Lots of people run small businesses or work as entrepreneurs: over 12 million of us, according to recent SBA figures. But I belong to a much smaller category, and have for much of the last 15 years: what I call the “stone cold self-employed.”

What defines the SCSE is that their self-employment is not a second income, a paying hobby, or a retirement supplement – it is a full-time career that keeps our households in kitty litter. In other words, we have met the boss and he is us.

Normally we SCSE’s are kind of like a secret fraternity. If you go to a typical small business networking meeting, those few people who seem comfortable in their own skin and aren’t desperately looking for clients – often their first clients – are probably SCSE’s. But for the most part, we tend to fade into the background and go about our business.

Except lately. With the economy the way it is, a lot of my friends and colleagues are now a lot more curious about this SCSE stuff than they used to. And good for them for asking, because I feel successful stone cold self-employment is a lot *more* secure than a single job that could be whacked at any time. So as a public service, I’d like to share what I feel are the four steps to becoming stone cold self-employed.

Step 1, which is today's blog topic, is that we do things that people pay for: I call this the “law of twice.” If you want to be SCSE, do something that you have – personally – seen at least two other people make a full-time living at. So the guy who does the lawns and landscaping for everyone on your block, does a great job, and has a shiny new truck is probably following the law of twice. So are the people who teach training courses, deliver day care, or write press releases. Conversely, the person who wants to start a consulting practice helping companies “empower their vision,” or anything remotely sounding like that, needs to look hard in the mirror and see if at least two other successful people they know personally are staring back.

I chose what I do – freelance writing and corporate training – because every company I have ever worked for has hired consultants to do these things, and I have seen several people make a good living at it. And the specialties I have developed over time within these fields, teaching communications skills and developing book projects for people, are natural outgrowths of these things. Not to mention that I love every minute of doing them.

The law of twice is frankly the single biggest success factor in being self-employed. Nail it and you can often stay out on your own fairly easily and comfortably - particulary if you do a great job and blow your clients away. Ignore it and you are toast. So, want to join that hot new MLM that your neighbor is pestering you about? Or are you gazing at a business opportunity in a magazine advertisement? Or do you want to turn your arcane job into an arcane consulting practice? Fine with me. Just find two real people who have been making a full time living at it for, say, three years, and you have my blessings.

Stay tuned for my next blog on step 2: where does the money come from?

An attitude of gratitude

2009-10-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I was making breakfast, I saw a large, gangly bug flattened at the bottom of the wet sink. It appeared to have drowned, but then I saw a slight movement in one of its legs. I took some paper towels and gently drained the water from around it, dabbed it dry, and then gingerly scooped it up on the counter - and then over the next half hour, I'd gently blow on it to dry it off further. Soon it lifted one leg, than another. Then one wing came free. And finally, it spread both wings and flew!

Right back into the wet sink.

After rescuing it *again* (and this time taking it outside away from temptation), I figured that there must be a blog in this somewhere. And sure enough, there is.

Do you know people who seem to be perpetually looking for a break - but once they get it, they don't appreciate it? For example, I remember a young man in my neighborhood years ago who was desperate for work and money. When I took pity on him and hired him to paint my basement, he never finished and did a half-baked job. Or the older professional who had been laid off for a long time, back when I was in corporate life, and swore up and down he'd appreciate the chance to "start over." As soon as I hired him, he moped around, complained about his long commute, and acted like the job was beneath him. I could go on, but let's just say there have been lots of "wet bugs" in my life.

Which leads me to a subtle but important difference I see in the really successful people I know. They almost never complain.

Do I ever have reason to gripe? Well, perhaps, at least on paper. Sometimes I have clients who demand urgent turnaround on a project, and then take a leisurely two or three months to pay my "net 30" invoice. I've had people promise me lucrative five-figure contracts that have turned into a pumpkin. And like most people, I could easily fill several blogs with all of the bad customer experiences I've had.

So how do I feel about these people? I love 'em all actually. The slow-pay client? Well, I do eventually get paid, and am thankful to have a big project with them. The projects that never show up? The same people have come through for me in the past, and may again in the future. As for the bad customer experiences? Grist for the mill in my writing and training. It's all good as far as I'm concerned.

Even during the worst slow periods in my years of consulting, I'd usually find myself feeling richly blessed to be in good health, wake up next to a beautiful woman every morning, and do what I love. If you asked me how I was doing during those slow times, I would usually respond, "Great!" And I believe, ironically, this is a big part of the reason I am successful.

Sure, once in a great while something bugs me enough that I'll say something. (For example, this recent blog entry about a very hurtful and aggressive fundraising call from my alma mater.) But in general, my "brand" has been all about staying positive and teaching skills, not calling out the sins of others. Now I realize this is a common success trait in lots of people I know, and a principle that goes all the way back to Dale Carnegie if not my Christian faith. So I'd like to thank that bug this morning for reminding me again. I'd say we're even.

Happy Customer Service Week - sort of

2009-10-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

This week, Oct. 5-10, is National Customer Service Week, as established by a Presidential proclamation a few years ago. It was created to recognize that "highest quality customer service must be a personal goal of every employee in business and industry" in the United States.

So, as someone who makes a lot of his livelihood doing customer service training, and the author of a national #1 customer service bestseller, you would think I'd be all over this sentiment, right? Well, kinda sorta. I was recently part of an interesting and spirited debate on this point on LinkedIn.com's Customers 1st group, and if you are a member you can view it here.

You see, I am not just an author/trainer/speaker type. For many years I was a working customer service manager and executive, leading call centers on both coasts to dramatically "turn around" both our own performance and the company's. So I know what kinds of things work at improving customer service. And more important, I know what things don't.

Here is what doesn't work, in my experience: the kinds of slogans and banners you often see during Customer Service Week. I have been at many companies who go this route, only to be met with rolled eyes by front line employees. Not because they have a bad attitude, but because lectures to be "nice" generally last until your next bad hair day, and slogans won't change a corporate culture that preaches service quality once a year and shipping product twice a day.

Now, here is what does work: communications and coaching skills. For example:

-Knowing what to say to defuse an angry person, using the same kinds of techniques that hostage negotiators and psychologists use.
-Learning how simple changes to your words build strong connections with people in the first 30 seconds of a conversation.
-Understanding the mechanics of things like respect, empathy, and acknowledgement so they become second nature, no matter what your personality.
-And most important, learning how to coach people without ever putting them on the defensive.

This is my "schtick," and the reason I make a very nice living at it is that it works so well. As in clients writing me back a month later and telling me their customers AND employees are in fact much happier. That's why I'm so passionate about this.

So back to Customer Service Week. Too many companies frankly use it as a week of balloons, sloganeering, and motivational speeches, followed by a return to Business as Usual. But I also see some great organizations using it to celebrate the great people on their front lines, as part of a year-long program of skills and leadership development. Hope your Customer Service Week is a great one!

Success-mongering

2009-09-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

I just finished another one of those books on how to supercharge your speaking career. And it was just like the last fourteen I've read on the subject: it talks at great length about having a great topic, having a plan, and being a good speaker. But when it gets to the actual part about getting more people to hire you, it dissolves into a coughing fit of pedestrian advice.

Earlier, I listed to a half-hour audioconference from someone who was billed as being the greatest expert ever on becoming an entrepreneur and bestselling author. His secret? Platitudes like having passion, doing your research, and eating your vegetables. Oh, and attending his paid seminar coming up soon.

Likewise, when I became the first person in my family in over a century to start my own business, I read every book I could get my hands on about self-employment. When it came to getting clients, most had one thin chapter full of useless advice (run ads, etc.) that had nothing whatsoever to do with how I really got most of my clients (build relationships, network with people, do a lot of free speaking, etc.).

The common denominator in all of these success-mongers? No facts. No proof. No walking you through exactly how they put 10,000 names on their mailing list, or sold the half million books they claim, or landed paying clients. By delivering platitudes, they feel they have fulfilled their promise to make you happy, rich, or successful. Even if they didn't.

But then there are the good guys. My media coach Wayne Kelly in Canada, for example: a real life radio personality who, for a few hundred bucks or less, teaches you everything you need to know about getting on radio. I listen to myself before and after on the radio, and look at how I pitch myself, and it's one of the best investments I've made. If you're serious about media publicity, visit www.onairpublicity.com and check him out. Capt. Tom Bunn, a pilot-turned-therapist who runs www.fearofflying.com, is another one: go through his program and you are, in fact, highly likely to lose your fear of flying. I like to think that I'm one of the good guys too.

So, I think I've finally figured out a way to separate the good guys from the bad ones. Look at what they teach you for free. Did it work? Did it start changing your life? Did it motivate you to dig deeper because of what you've learned, rather than an empty promise that you'll finally learn something when you pay? Wayne Kelly distributes a free 6-part radio publicity course that is surprisingly high-content. Capt. Bunn has excellent free content and a weekly live chat open to anyone. And there is lots of other good stuff out there.

I use a similar approach. My "schtick" is teaching people what to say in difficult situations, and the basics are all out there for free in the form of my articles, webinars, radio interviews, and book samples. Buy one of my books and you will learn these concepts in gory detail, with lots of examples and case studies. Attend one of my seminars, for a little more per person, and I guide you through these skills personally so that they change your life. And so far, after over 10,000 training attendees, everyone seems pretty happy.

So if you, like me, are in the business of helping people succeed, that's my secret to effective success-mongering: excellent free content, combined with a good value proposition for the paid stuff. Best of success!

Why I am not donating to Cornell this year

2009-09-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I received a phone call from my alma mater Cornell University that was a textbook example of how *not* to ask for a donation.

The first part of the call was typical of college fundraising drives: verifying my contact information, asking if I'd been on campus recently (yes, giving a talk at the Engineering School on becoming an author), and checking to see if I wanted to be connected to any resources on campus (no thanks). So far, so good.

Then we got to the fun part. I was asked to donate an amount roughly equivalent to my annual mortgage. Umm, no thanks. Then I told the telemarketer politely how much I did plan to give - a much smaller sum - and she paused, raised her voice, and said, "REALLY?"

No, not really: I hung up at that point. Something I almost never, ever do with people. She then called back to complain that I "misunderstood" her taunting and should still donate, but no apology of course, and I hung up again. Yeesh.

Ironically, I do donate a healthy sum to charity every year for organizations involved in issues like world hunger and mission work. But it frankly isn't Cornell's business why I favor them over an alma mater with a $5.5B endowment at the moment. Giving is a very personal decision for all of us. And no one has permission to hassle me about where these donations go, even if some sales trainer is teaching them to be more "aggressive."

It's not like I don't understand the economics of a university. My late father was president of our hockey rival Clarkson University, and doubled their endowment during his tenure. He worked hard to cultivate a network of supporters, many of whom benefited from a steady stream of Clarkson graduates. But it would be hard to picture him browbeating individual working alumni over the size of their donations. Especially when you never know how the "long tail" of smaller contributors might respond later in life, when they are richer or doing their estate planning.

Meanwhile, there is a communications skills lesson for all of us here: if you think you can shame paying customers into doing your bidding, think again. As for Cornell, my check for them just went to a local mental health agency, and we'll see how it goes next year. If they're a lot nicer to me.

New customer service book launching today - with lots of free gifts!

2009-09-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted to personally let you know about the launch of a great new book from two friends of mine, and an extra-special offer for people who purchase it TODAY (Wednesday, Sept. 15) on Amazon.com!

My friends, Marilyn Suttle and Lori Jo Vest, have written a remarkable new customer service book, Who’s Your Gladys? How to Turn Even the Most Difficult Customer into Your Biggest Fan. It explores how some of the world's service leaders - companies like Singapore Airlines, Paul Reed Smith Guitars, ClearVision Optical, Sky Lakes Medical Center and The Canfield Company - handle their most demanding customers: the "Gladys's" that all service businesses have.

Purchase it TODAY from Amazon at http://www.whosyourgladys.com/ and get over forty free gifts, including some goodies from me! Marilyn and Lori have put together a package for you loaded with podcasts, articles, e-books and other valuable tools covering customer service, sales, marketing and professional development.

If you like my books, workshops and webinars on handling difficult customer situations, you are going to love this book. Publisher’s Weekly lauds its “substantive, down-to-earth advice that sets this book apart from its competitors.” Buy your copy today at http://www.whosyourgladys.com/, and watch the book trailer at www.youtube.com/whosyourgladys. Thanks and enjoy!

Your life in 400 words

2009-09-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

Over a decade ago when my father passed away, we quickly discovered that trying to summarize a great life in a few paragraphs was a real challenge. What were his job titles? What books did he write, and awards did he win? Above all, what mattered the most to him? It was kind of like arranging a wedding on 24 hours notice.

When he died I promised myself two things. First, that I would never waste another day doing things I didn't enjoy, chasing a retirement that in his case never happened. I've honored that promise ever since. The second promise was that I would maintain a running one-page summary of my own life. My obituary, if you will - but more accurately, a life story that continues to evolve.

The latter promise proved to be almost harder than the first. My dad, like many of his generation, basically had a linear career: from engineer, to engineering professor, to dean, provost, and university president. By comparison, I am a mutt. After a fairly traditional career path as a software engineer and manager, I've been self-employed for much of the last 15 years doing a delicious mix of things I really enjoy: author, ghostwriter, public speaker, trainer, and (as of recently) psychotherapist.

But that led to one small problem. Two, actually. First, if someone I hadn't seen in a while would ask "Hi Rich - what do you do for a living nowadays?", I'd get tongue tied and mutter something about "writer and speaker." Except I'm also leading training courses, running a therapy group, developing a new business fable, editing a monograph series, doing a webinar Tuesday for clients in India, etc. And I didn't want to bore them with the details. The second problem was that if, God forbid, I were ever run over by a beer truck, my survivors would have gotten a splitting headache trying to summarize my life.

But this begs a much larger question. What is the purpose of your life? The North Star that shines as your beacon? The things that I would want people to remember me for if, God willing, I live to be 97 someday? That, in my view, is the real reason to keep a running summary of your life: to know who you are and where you are headed.

Nowadays I have a lot more clarity about who I am. I help people communicate - as a writer, a speaker, and a therapist. Over the years I've been building a national platform teaching people what to say in their most difficult situations. And I've been having more fun than I've had in a long time. If you're curious what my life looks like in 400 words, it's here. So what would your 400 words look like?

Webinar tomorrow - with free gifts for you!

2009-08-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

Friends,

I'll keep this short. You want to succeed by knowing how to communicate better with everyone, particularly in your most difficult situations. And I'm shooting to make my latest book the #1 communications skills book in the country.

Here's how we can help each other. Tomorrow (Wednesday, August 26) marks a key publicity launch for How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work, with a global webinar sponsored by Parature Software. Over 1000 people will join in from all over the world. They will get a special offer to buy the book and get a free communications skills library. And so can you!

Buy my new book Wednesday on Amazon.com, and I'll send you back a FREE library including several full-length books, as well excerpts from my latest communications skills bestsellers. All downloadable and available instantly. Just e-mail the receipt to free@howtotellanyoneanything.com.

How to Tell Anyone Anything is my most critically acclaimed project to date, and has been featured in the NY Post, BusinessWeek Online, CareerBuilder.com, AOL Business, the Toronto Globe and Mail, the syndicated Career Clinic (R) radio show, and even the front page of MSN. It has already been a top career skills book on Amazon.com, and last week it was one of the top 250 books (period!) in Canada. Because it really teaches you what to say in your most difficult situations at work - quickly, painlessly, and based on the latest principles of psychology.

So buy the book Wednesday. Or join us online at 2 PM US Eastern for the free webinar, http://www.parature.com/res_webinars.aspx. Thanks!

Thoughts on the Pittsburgh shooting tragedy

2009-08-07T11:00:00.001-07:00

Like everyone, I was shocked to read this week that a gunman opened fire at a health club in suburban Bridgeville, PA, killing three people and wounding many others before committing suicide. Perhaps even a little more so because I used to live in Bridgeville, and if there was ever a real-life version of Beaver Cleaver's neighborhood, this was it.

Before he committed his act, this seemingly intelligent, educated, and gainfully employed person left behind a blog about how rejected he felt by women - no girlfriend since 1984, and no intimate relationships for 19 years. As he put it, "Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive." And yet his neighbors describe him as an anti-social loner who revealed little about himself.

Which got me to thinking how many people I've known personally who fit that description. Alone well into middle age, but not by choice. No meaningful relationships. Not happy with life. And perhaps more than a little mad at the world about their lot. Most of them would never hurt a flea, much less pick up a gun. But all of them are suffering. And there are lots of them out there.

Yet none of these people realize that they are the jailers of their own prison. I often refer to them as "seagulls" because they swoop in, dump all over my wife and I with their complaints and problems, and then fly off without so much as a word about us. They never ask how we are, rarely if ever share interesting observations about the world around them, and can't bring themselves to listen to us without immediately turning the conversation back onto themselves. And yet they universally blame their situation on bad luck, fate, or society itself - never the person in the mirror.

What is perhaps most sad is that, like the perpetrator of this shooting, these people are otherwise pretty intelligent. Often they have advanced degrees or good jobs. But they still come home alone every night, lack intimacy and meaningful friendships, and can't for the life of themselves figure out why. And it's not just a matter of the breaks in their lives. On their very best days they probably still won't be able to connect with people, while the ones who care will still be reaching out on their worst days.

Many people are going to dismiss this shooter as an isolated nutcase with a personality disorder. And they may have a point: most of us don't react to our problems by gunning down innocent people. But there is also a social lesson here.

We, as a society, don't value how to communicate authentically with other people. We don't teach it in schools. We don't measure or coach people's ability to do it. We don't reach out to our friends about it. And most of us can go through an entire career without having it evaluated as part of our performance: in fact, our bosses are often as likely as any of us to lack compassion, interest, or the ability to connect with people. But these are all procedural skills, in my view, not just good attitudes - things our parents, educators, and leaders should be worrying about every bit as much as our grades or productivity.

My heart and my prayers go out to the victims of this terrible tragedy. As we grieve their loss and honor their memory, I hope some of us can start envisioning a society where we start learning and cherishing the simple art of talking to one another. If we did, we might start creating meaning and intimacy in a lot of people's lives - and perhaps in some cases even prevent a tragedy.

Read all about it

2009-08-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite pastimes lately has been giving free communications skills and career advice for the nation's press and airwaves, as the buzz continues to grow about my new book How to Tell Anyone Anything. Here is a summary of some recent articles and upcoming webinars. Dig in and enjoy!

Articles:
Pest Control: We Poll Experts on How To Handle Oversharers, Boorish Bosses and Other Workplace Irritants, by Brian Moore
Very funny article in one of NYC's largest tabloids, also published nationally here on BusinessWeek's Business Exchange - I'm on a panel with two other authors and a very irreverant comedian about how to handle boorish co-workers.

How to De-Fang a Toxic Boss, by yours truly
Article published on CareerBuilder.com, AOL Business and MSN on taming a difficult boss.

Q&A: Working Class, by Leslie Whitaker
Interview with me about how to handle an employee who is rude to customers.

Tooling Up: Four Must-Haves for Convincing Communication, by David G. Jensen
Great article from Science, the nation's leading science magazine, on communications skills for your technical career.

Four Techniques To Better Communication: Learning from How to Tell Anyone Anything, by David G. Jensen
Good career advice from my favorite book.

How to Tell Anyone Anything (Book Review) - CareerFocus Cafe

P.S. Not to forget my friends north of the border, a feature in Canada's national paper The Globe and Mail is also coming soon - I'll update the link when it's out.

Free upcoming webinars:
How to Tell Anyone Anything: Coaching Your Service Team to Success
Wednesday, August 26, 2009, 2:00pm EDT
http://www.parature.com/res_webinars.aspx

The Power of 30 Seconds: Best Practices for Exceptional Support
An on-demand webinar that I did live for Citrix GoToAssist in April, on how to create a great impression in the first 30 seconds of a customer transaction.
http://learn.gotoassist.com/forms/041609-NA-G2AC-WBRARC?ID=701000000005CXM

Note to my friends in Australia/NZ, India, and south Asia: I'll be doing live sessions of this webinar in your neighborhoods on August 11. Here is the link to sign up: see you then!
http://learn.gotoassist.com/forms/081109-APAC-ANZ-G2AC-WBR-S?ID=701000000005EGr

Do or diet

2009-07-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

After three of the Busiest Months of My Life, I finally looked down from my desk - and saw that I've grown a lot smarter and a bit wider than when I started. So today, I went to the bookstore at the mall and checked out some diet books. And I have some advice for all of their authors. Here goes:

1) I have a life. All of your recipes are for things like Moroccan Strawberry Chicken Drizzle, with 43 ingredients, and two hours of preparation time. I am glad that you all have time to make dishes like this for each of your meals. Unfortunately, I don't.

2) I also have food allergies. Soy and nuts, among other things. And those 43 ingredients I mentioned? Seems like I'm usually allergic to two of them. Go look up "food allergy" in the dictionary, check out the most common ones (mine are pretty common), and think of us once in a while, OK?

3) Make nice with each other. It seems like every diet book spends at least two chapters explaining why every other diet book's approach will make my hair fall out, my muscle mass go down, my social life disappear, and my weight eventually come zooming back. Here is what I've learned so far from each of you:

-Cut out carbohydrates
-Don't cut out carbohydrates
-Don't eat more than 1200 calories a day
-Don't eat less than 1600 calories a day
-Drink milk
-Don't drink milk
-Limit all of your fats
-Have lots of monounsaturated fats

Meanwhile, you all want me to spend between 15 and 25 dollars for books where, apparently, only one of you is correct and the rest of you are bald-faced liars. Could you folks all lock yourselves in a room somewhere and go fight it out, and then let me know who won?

And ironically, I am exactly the kind of customer these diet books want. I am motivated to lose weight. I am willing to go hungry for a while if I know what I'm doing. And I'm happy to plunk down money for books or even coaching, once I know whom to believe. But for now, I feel like trying to lose weight from a diet book is a little like trying develop good mental health by watching Dr. Phil. Who, oh yeah, also wrote a diet book. So I'm back to the drawing board for now, if not the bookstore. Wish me well.

My sexy interview

2009-06-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

I just posted something on Facebook that had some of my friends scratching their heads - and was one of the most enjoyable interviews I've done in a long time.

This afternoon I had an hour-long interview with noted Canadian sex educator Kim Switnicki, one of the regulars on Vancouver's Breakfast TV, about how to use good communications skills in the bedroom. It was a wide-ranging (and PG-rated) discussion about how to discuss your preferences, your turn-ons and turn-offs, and how to get your partner to open up to you, which will be used as part of one of her upcoming educational programs. Kim and I met earlier this year taking media training together on our respective new books, and she is an incredibly knowledgeable and articulate interviewer.

The head-scratching part came from people who know me solely from my customer service training, which in turn is one of the joys of being a "mutt." In reality, much of my training nowadays is about communications skills in general, and talking about sexuality and communications isn't as strange for me as you might think - I am now also a practicing family therapist who works with couples and families, and was in fact trained in sex therapy as part of my MFT graduate work.

Which brings us to today's interview. The thing I find fascinating as a therapist is that intimate communication skills share a great deal in common with those in the workplace - and these, in turn, often borrow from techniques that people like hostage negotiators, crisis counselors, and psychologists use in their own specific situations. Some key points we covered:

-Acknowledgement is like sex. Most people think they already know how to do it, but few know how to do it well. Most of us simply talk past each other, instead of using techniques like observation ("I can see you don't like that"), validation ("lots of people feel that way"), or identification ("I could imagine feeling the same way"). Acknowledging and validating your partner makes it safe to talk about things, and in my view is a big part of the "electricity" people feel when they really connect with each other.

-Sensitive subjects - especially in the bedroom - are best attacked with a pencil and paper, to workshop a neutral opening, good questions, good acknowledgements - and above all, a neutral, factual discussion of what you want.

-When you feel your partner is ignoring your needs and wants, check your own language. Confrontational words almost never work, no matter how softly or politely you utter them, and it's hard to negotiate changes without drawing out the interests of both parties.

Some of the specific examples we discussed went beyond the usual business blog fare - for example, one of them gave a new meaning to the phrase "I'm tied up at the moment" - but I was struck by how universal good communications skills are in all walks of life, and how they can bring you love and intimacy as well as success. And as someone who has been madly in love with the same person for 36 years and counting, I can certainly vouch for them personally.

To learn more about Kim's books, products, and coaching services, visit her website at http://www.lionessforlovers.com/ - she really is incredible at what she does. And it was a real honor to be a small part of one of her upcoming programs.

Live from the General Mills Parkway

2009-05-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

In all my travels, I had somehow never made it to Minneapolis before. This month, I ended up visiting twice in the last two weeks, training at two great companies there.

So one night, I was driving around this beautiful city on my way back from dinner, and found myself on the General Mills Parkway. Since public highways are rarely named after companies, my first fleeting thought was how ironic it was that a war hero had the same name as a big cereal company - and then, a few minutes later, that thought was disabused as I drove past the General Mills headquarters building.

This got me thinking. For years I've stared at the phrase "General Mills, Minneapolis, MN" on the back of my box of Cheerios and if I've thought anything about it, it was just a passing nod to another faceless corporation I purchase products from. But now I'm looking out my windshield at an actual building in suburban Golden Valley where lots of real people come to work every morning - not just Betty Crocker - and it's a change in perspective.

This same change in perspective can help your communications skills, particularly when you are a customer. When we are unhappy about something, we tend to approach it with a mindset of dumping on a faceless corporation. And somehow, if we push hard enough, that faceless corporation will somehow react to us.

In reality, the person on the other end is, well, a person. Someone who drove in to work this morning on the General Mills Parkway after eating his Cheerios and sending his kids off to school. And if we address this person as a person, with respect and dignity, we are much more likely to get what we want. So next time you deal with a company, pretend they are your neighbor down the street and see what happens.

* * *

P.S. I was pleased to see this weekend that What to Say to a Porcupine was still a top 10 business humor book on Amazon, more than a year after its release, and its corresponding Kindle edition was ranked #6 in customer service. And my new book How to Tell Anyone Anything is now showing up in bookstores nationwide and starting to climb the charts as well. Thanks everyone!

Just released: How to Tell Anyone Anything

2009-05-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

When your last book was a national #1 customer service and business humor bestseller, and a finalist for 2008 Business Book of the Year, what do you do for an encore?

How about a groundbreaking new book that teaches you how to confidently say anything at work? How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work has just been released by leading business publisher AMACOM and goes on sale on Amazon.com today - and I have a special free offer with lots of goodies for everyone who wants to order it this week!

Using the latest principles from strength-based psychology, this new book teaches you the same techniques top coaches, crisis negotiators, and psychologists use to deal with situations like these:

• How do you get your boss to stop yelling at everyone?
• How do you tell an employee that he needs to shower more often?
• How do you tell your co-worker that you would like more help from him or her?
• How do you let someone know their performance is putting their career at risk?
• How do you motivate people to strive for excellence?

In these situations and more, I take you by the hand and lead you through a step-by-step process that replaces the knot in the pit of your stomach with confidence - by teaching you how to structure a painless conversation that never puts people on the defensive, even with your toughest issues, and gets results!

Originally piloted with one of the nation's leading social service agencies, the techniques in this book have now been taught to over a thousand people from coast to coast, to rave reviews. As one person said in their evaluation, "there is now hope for humanity after all!" And consistently, over and over, people describe the results of this approach as game-changing.

So now for the freebies! Click here to order the book on Amazon.com this week, e-mail your receipt to free@howtotellanyoneanything.com, and get a free downloadable customer service library including several full-length books as well as a free sample from my #1 customer service book What to Say to a Porcupine. And here's to a new, confident you at work who can truly tell anyone anything!

P.S. Want to nibble a nosh for free? Visit http://www.howtotellanyoneanything.com/ and sign up for a free two-chapter sample!

Live from Parafest

2009-04-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today I am writing from Las Vegas, where the great folks at Parature Software invited me to kick off day 2 of their Parafest ’09 conference with a workshop on what to say to my favorite prickly mammal. It was a fun talk with a very engaged audience, whose ranks included some of the best minds in the customer support profession.

This conference was interesting for me beyond the speaking gig, because as many of you know I am a veteran of managing call centers and implementing CRM myself. So it was refreshing to see how far things have come in my old profession in ten years: today’s customer support environment is more automated, integrated, and global than ever. We are now in a world where agents can handle over 20 chat sessions simultaneously, agents pop up automatically when you are filling out a form, and your support center can be integrated with Twitter – or even, in one case, a virtual world.

Once in a while I can read people’s minds, and I can read some of yours right now: you are thinking that in many cases service is worse than ever today. But not at this conference. I was very impressed with the fresh ideas I heard from Parature’s customers, and – given the long faces I remember from many CRM users years ago – what a bond there is between “Paraturians” and their customers. And Parafest’s choice of speakers - service culture legend Tony Hsieh of Zappos.com, motivational speaker Shep Hyken, and even little old me – underscores their focus on how service starts with great customer experiences.

I was also very heartened to see a company draw record crowds to a live event, particularly one that started not that many years ago as a bright idea among Cornell graduate students in my home town of Ithaca, NY. And particularly at a time when the Las Vegas economy could use more successful events like this. Well done, Parature, and thank you.

* * *

Speaking of speaking, I am proud to share that I have been just been accepted as a member of the National Speakers Association, which is the fraternity for professional speakers.

Joining NSA requires that you do lots of speaking engagements and/or make lots of dedicated speaking revenue, and I‘ve done plenty of both this past year thanks to a growing national platform as a communications skills author. So look for the NSA logo on my website soon – an honor that I consider as the beginning, not the endpoint, of my journey as a professional speaker.

The best ten bucks you'll ever spend

2009-04-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that one of my favorite musicians was (and still is) the late Hiram Bullock, an electrifying jazz guitarist who passed away last year. I was hooked ever since his heyday in the late 1980s, and owned everything he ever put out - my tribute to him is here. Many of you haven't heard of him, but you have probably heard him, through his session work with artists like Billy Joel, James Taylor, Steely Dan, and many others.

Late last year 40 of the top musicians in jazz held a tribute concert in New York for Hiram, faithfully playing 30 songs of his best music - names like Bill Evans, John Tropea, Letterman show bandleader Paul Shaffer, former Tower of Power lead singer Tom Bowes, and many others.

Organizer and legendary bass player Will Lee and Hiram's longtime partner Jennifer Armstrong originally put together a 2-DVD set of the show as a "thank you" for the musicians who took part. Now they are offering this to the community for the ridiculously low price of $10 plus shipping, as a non-profit gesture to all his fans.

It's great music - often played with the same studio musicians who recorded originally with Hiram - together with interviews from the people who knew him best as well as a slideshow. (The latter is a small claim to fame for me, as the picture they show of him at the 2002 Rochester Jazz Festival was taken by yours truly.) Order it today while it lasts at http://www.hirambullock.com/.

Bad bosses

2009-04-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

I just got through reading another one of those "bad bosses" articles that seem to crop up regularly - and the nearly 60 comments that followed, most with horror stories of their own bosses.

So let me ask you a rhetorical question: where do all these bad bosses come from? Is there a subculture of mean people that wakes up every morning dreaming of ways to make people feel stupid?

Here is my own view: I think it's a little like drivers and pedestrians. When you are behind the wheel of your car, you get frustrated by all these slow, careless pedestrians that dither in front of your car while you are driving. And then you step out of your car, and get frustrated by all the thoughtless drivers who don't slow down and whiz by two feet from you. And then you step back in your car and the pedestrians suddenly get stupider again.

Over my own three-decade-plus career, I have had just about every shade of boss imaginable. More important, for much of this career I have been both an employee and a boss at the same time. If I could sum up many of those years into one neat package, the same driver-pedestrian dynamic applies. Bosses often frustrate employees and employees often frustrate bosses.

But here is what is even more important. Most of the time I respected my bosses, and was respected in turn by my employees. Was I lucky? Perhaps so, reading some of these horror stories. But I also think that how you communicate has a lot to do with how these relationships turn out.

You see, most of these "bad bosses" articles recommend self-defense and subterfuge, with advice ranging from staying under the radar to complaining to the boss's superiors. And since every action usually has an equal and opposite reaction, these approaches are often about as effective as stepping on the boss's foot. Taking it a step further, it was telling that the vast majority of people posting comments had quit, been fired, or worked in a state of ceaseless warfare.

There is only one effective way to *really* deal with bad bosses, and it feels about as natural as drinking pickle juice. First, you have to acknowledge their agenda. Whether they are insecure, demanding, have a short temper, or are pickier than thou, you have to acknowledge what they want and need. Second, you have validate what they say every time they open their mouth. Listen carefully: I did NOT say agree with or kiss up to them. I mean let them know that you understand how they see the world. Finally, tell them what you want in a way that benefits both of you. Compare these two approaches:

Not so good:
Peter Picky: This report is missing a comma! I keep telling you that I want perfect English on these reports!
You: Look, it isn't physically possible to have no typos on a 100 page report. You are always getting in my face!

Will Mr. Picky apologize profusely and be more accommodating forthwith? I didn't think so. So now try it my way:

Better:
Peter Picky: This report is missing a comma! I keep telling you that I want perfect English on these reports!
You: I respect that you have high standards for what goes out under our name. I'd like to learn what went wrong here.
Peter Picky: We *always* use the serial comma here - this line should read, "Lawrence Welk said, 'And a one, and a two, and a three."
You: That makes sense. And I certainly want to be a team with you on these reports. I also don't want to live in fear of constant criticism, because if anything that makes me even more mistake-prone. What could we do to work together better from here?

Wasn't that easy? You're right, it wasn't. You are probably biting your lip so hard there are teeth marks in it. But if you get in the habit of validating every single thing your boss says while sticking up for yourself, I am betting you will get a lot more of what you want and a lot more respect.

Don't just take my word for it. Baseball manager Joe Torre, a perennial champion who lasted more than a decade working for George Steinbrenner, an owner who previously went through managers like Henry VIII went through wives, wrote about a similar dynamic in his book Ground Rules for Winners. And I take the mechanics of difficult conversations like these and practically beat them to death with a stick in my new book How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work, now available for pre-order. Try taking a fresh look at how you talk with tough bosses, and see what happens!

The secret life of excuses

2009-04-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

As I write this I am sitting in first class on a United Airlines 777, on my way back from training over 350 great people at Cal State Fresno (with deep appreciation to my brother John, an alpha frequent flyer, for the upgrade). So I'm having a rare chance to stretch out, literally and figuratively, with my thoughts for a couple of hours.

So where are these thoughts taking me? Right now, to an interesting exchange with some of CSF's key service leaders, a very talented group, during this morning's coaching skills program. Among other things, I had a role-playing simulation where one person who chronically comes in late to work holds forth with every excuse in the book, while the (poor) other person is asked to do nothing but acknowledge and validate what the other person is saying.

The late person, ably played by CSF's associate director of financial aid, weighed in with a truly world-class litany of excuses while the other person gamely acknowledged everything he said. ("You're right, children sometimes do take a long time to get ready to leave." "I hate it too when I get caught in traffic and then get a flat tire.") Then the first person closed in for the kill by saying, "And worst of all, my boss is always getting on my case about how often I'm coming in late. I don't see why it is such a big deal." Finally caught off guard, the other person could not bring herself to acknowledge this directly - which is exactly what I wanted to show people as a teaching moment.

You see, I will validate people all day if I need to - even when they make statements like this one. My response would have been something to the effect of, "No one likes to feel they are constantly being criticized." I would have taken direct aim at the other person's concern - which, by the way, I violently disagree with - and hit it right between the eyes. This person would see that I knew exactly how he felt, and that it was safe to talk about it.

This exchange stirred up some great questions from the audience. For most people, talking like this to someone who comes in late - or is rude to customers - or makes a pain in the anatomy of themselves - feels like drinking poison. To the uninitiated, it feels like you are being a buddy with someone who is behaving badly and accommodating them. But you aren't. Instead, you are gaining power in a situation where most people have very little power.

The reason lies in how we process language. Each of us has an instinctive friend-versus-foe reflex that is an instinctive survival trait. So when you criticize people who do bad things, you almost always get an equal and opposite reaction. But when you acknowledge and validate them every time they open their mouths, they process this language on the "friend" side of their brain and can't argue with you. Which completely takes the wind out of their sails when you finally set expectations with them. Compare these two exchanges:

Most people's approach:
Larry Latecomer: Wow, the traffic was so bad today, there was no way I could make it in on time.
You: That isn't good enough. You are expected to be here on time each day.
Larry Latecomer: Look, you have no idea what it's like to commute from where I live in East Timbuktu. Or be a single parent and get three kids off to school. Or have a sick dog. Or ...

My approach:
Larry Latecomer: Wow, the traffic was so bad today, there was no way I could make it in on time.
Me: That sounds terrible. Traffic is often hard to predict, especially with a long commute.
Larry Latecomer: Sounds like you've been there before.
Me: I have. And I respect how hard it is in situations like this. Meanwhile, here's what were dealing with: most people come in late, on average, once a month. You come in late roughly three times a week. And I can't have different standards for people, or it would impact morale. Where can we go from here?

Which of these two people are more likely to get Larry to actually change his behavior, instead of just getting defensive or "yessing" you with no performance change? I'll betcha that I do. All you have to do is change how you respond in a way that, for most people, feels about as natural as hanging by your thumbs. But once you see how well it works, you'll never, ever go back to the old way.

I didn't just make this approach up. It's based on concepts of strength-based psychology that are sweeping the way we communicate, all the way from psychotherapy to major league coaching. If this example whets your appetite to learn more, check out my new book How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work, available for pre-order now at all major online retailers. Meanwhile, I'm about to land - talk again soon!

Dealing with Pinocchio

2009-03-23T14:57:00.000-07:00

Last month I did a session of my How to Tell Anyone Anything program for a great group of people on the East Coast. Later, over lunch, one of my hosts posed a fascinating question to me: what do you say to an employee who isn’t doing his job well, and then lies about it when you try to discuss it?

I responded without hesitation with an answer that made everyone choke on their tuna sandwiches: validate the liar. People immediately had stunned looks on their faces as they turned to me and asked, “Really?”

Yes, really. But I'm not asking what you think. I am not suggesting that you agree with people who lie. Nor am I asking you to imply that lying is OK. I am just asking you to dispense with trying to "catch" the other person, at least at first, and validate (e.g. acknowledge) how they are saying they see an issue.

Just answer the following question, and then you tell me: Imagine the last time you told a white lie. What would have gotten a better outcome from you: someone catching you in this lie and making you squirm, or being a little more gentle and focusing on the real issue? I thought so. And guess what, the same thing is true with the people you deal with.

You see, one of the fundamental principles I teach in How to Tell Anyone Anything is that you can never successfully criticize anyone. The minute you start putting someone on the defensive or calling them out, you’re toast. That’s why my book focuses on starting in a safe place, asking questions, validating the other person, and then discussing even very tough situations factually instead of emotionally. It feels like sucking on a lemon for most people at first, but once people see in live role-playing how incredibly well it gets people to buy in and change their behavior, they’re hooked.

But even so, the idea of validating a liar seems a little wild to most people. So let's walk through a couple of scenarios:

Scenario 1:
Peter Pinocchio: I haven’t been able to get work done because my co-workers keep asking me to help them. (Note that his nose is growing longer.)
Supervisor: That isn’t true. I see you talking about sports all day with people, while everyone else is trying to get their work done.

Scenario 2:
Peter Pinocchio: I haven’t been able to get work done because my co-workers keep asking me to help them.
Supervisor: So you feel that you are getting interrupted a lot, and it’s keeping you from getting your work done. Given how important this project is, what can we do to make it easier for you to finish it?

Which of these two scenarios is more likely to help Peter meet his deadlines and build a productive working relationship with you? And which one is more likely to lead to sullen compliance, bitterness, and more excuses? Ring-a-ding-ding.

Now, are there times you really shouldn’t validate a lie? Sure. When they are big, fat lies that cross important boundaries , or when chronic lying is the issue itself. When someone lies about how much money is in the company account, for example, you have my blessings to dispense with strength-based communication, if not call the police. But for everyday white lies and performance issues, trust me on this one - you ultimately need to use lots of empathy and validation if you ever want anything to really change.

Meanwhile, do you feel stuck dealing with employees who won’t cooperate and won’t be honest with you? Get in touch with me at gallagher -at- pointofcontactgroup.com and let’s talk. I can help you – and that’s no lie.

Can't get enough of me?

2009-02-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

Here are some new resources on communicating with customers and each other from yours truly - all of which are high-content, and some of which are free!

Porcupine now available as an e-book. My #1 customer service bestseller What to Say to a Porcupine is now available as an e-book from ebooks.com. Click here to order.

Free webcast on prickly customers. An archived version of my What to Say to a Porcupine webcast for Parature Software is now online. Registration is required, but it's worth it - this is as close as you'll come to a free workshop on dealing with prickly customers, and the live versions of this event drew nearly 2,000 registered attendees! Go to http://www.parature.com/res_webinars.aspx, click on my smiling face, and sign up to listen.

Free coaching white paper. Best Practices for Coaching Your Support Team to Handle Anything is a new, complimentary white paper I developed for Supportindustry.com. Here as well, registration is required but well worth it: Supportindustry.com and its sister site RecognizeServiceExcellence.com are, in my view, the best portals of free information on customer support out there. Click here to get your free copy.

Pre-order my new book. My new book How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com - click here to order. Coming soon in late May from AMACOM Books.

How to Tell Anyone Anything: the audiocourse. Finally, can't wait to read How to Tell Anyone Anything? The highlights of its companion training program - currently my most popular workshop - is now available as a CEU audiocourse, including an online workbook and test questions, from Briefings Publishing Group. Here's the link: http://www.briefings.com/audio640.asp.

Seeing people clearly

2009-02-15T20:54:00.001-08:00

It happens to the best of us, especially at my age: every couple years or so, those darn road signs get blurrier and I need to go get a new pair of glasses.

This time, I decided to try my first pair of no-line bifocals, thinking they would make it easier for me sitting in front of my omnipresent word processor. In reality, the opposite is true: they give me tunnel vision, and I am constantly moving my head around chasing a small spot of clarity around the screen. So it’s probably back to regular bifocals for me.

Meanwhile, a busy optical store is a fascinating place to watch human nature and communication take place. Many people, when they try a new pair of glasses on for the first time, find it disorienting and complain about it. And the optical staff, being human beings, often react the same way our caveman ancestors did when confronted with a hungry saber-toothed tiger: they get defensive and start countering the customer’s arguments.

But when I go out of my way to be polite and upbeat about problems like my new bifocals, I notice an interesting dynamic: because I don’t challenge people, they go out of their way to validate my point of view and be helpful. They say things like “I can see why you react this way to them. Let me show you why this might be happening” instead of the usual “Well, you probably need to do X” response people give under pressure.

So here is my suggestion for you folks out there: next time you have a customer problem, be as charming and cheerful about it as you can. Even if you’ve been overcharged $70 or are returning a defective computer. And then see what happens. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised!

Kick it up a notch

2009-01-30T20:11:00.001-08:00

I have been training groups for many years now, but each and every one teaches me something new - and what I learned from my most recent group was truly magical.

I was teaching a very engaged group of employees at a state university how to communicate with customers last week, and was talking about what I call the three "octane levels" of acknowledgement:

1) The first is observation, where you simply observe the other person's feelings: for example, "I can tell by your tone of voice you are pretty upset about this."

2) The second is validation, where you make it clear the other person's feelings are valid: for example, "No one likes to pay an extra fee for this."

3) The third and highest level is identification, where you personally identify with the person's agenda: for example, "I would be upset if this happened to me too."

The higher the octane level, the better the other person feels. You can't always use the highest octane level, of course: for example, when someone says, "I was so mad I smashed my fist against the wall," you can't respond with, "I often feel like smashing my fist too." But you can always say things like, "This situation obviously bothered you a great deal. Tell me about it." When you choose the right octane level, you start connecting with people with people instead of arguing with them.

So here is where the magic came in. Normally I ask people for an example of this, I get one, and we move on. This time, the audience was so engaged, people were building on each other's examples and making it better and better - as TV chef Emeril might say, they were kicking it up a notch.

I had thrown out a scenario for them where someone was trying to transfer their credits from an unaccredited Bible school to this fully-accredited university. Normally, of course, most people would respond, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that." So first, someone raises his hand and gives a pleasant but mild acknowledgement like "I can see this issue is important to you." Next another person raises her hand and says, "You put in a lot of hard work to earn these credits."

Before long, people were really getting in the spirit of this and saying things like, "You clearly worked hard and learned a lot of new things. Now let's explore some options for turning that good work into an accredited degree at our school, such as testing and prior learning assessment." And you could feel the tension drain out of the room with a situation these people often struggled with in real life.

So the lesson for you - and me - is to take your own most difficult customer situations, get your team thinking about good acknowledgements for them, and start workshopping them as a group until they are polished and perfected - and then teach everyone to use them. And watch everything change about your customer relationships.

We're #1 and celebrating! (And you get the presents)

2009-01-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

Who is more popular than Ken Blanchard and Dilbert? At the moment, yours truly. Following a very successful webcast for my friends at Parature Software yesterday, there has been a run on people purchasing my latest book What to Say to a Porcupine, and as of yesterday afternoon it ranked as the #1 customer service book AND the #1 business humor book in the United States on Amazon.com.

To celebrate, I am going to make the same offer to my faithful blog readers that we made for people attending the Parature webcast: purchase your own copy on Amazon.com, forward a copy of your Amazon receipt to info@whattosaytoaporcupine.com, and we will send you a free companion mini-course by return e-mail.

This complimentary mini-course will help you use Porcupine as a creative training tool, and includes a free sample fable, student and leader guides, a team exercise, and a PowerPoint presentation. And it will help turn your next team meeting into the most fun you have ever had learning world-class customer skills!

Thanks everyone for making this fable collection the top customer service book in the nation - and stay tuned for more great things in 2009!

The new book: a sneak peek

2009-01-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

AMACOM Books has just released its spring/summer 2009 catalogue, including my next literary blockbuster How to Tell Anyone Anything - so now you can finally get a sneak peek at the cover, shown here. (I think they did a great job, as always!)

The book has a scheduled release date of June 2009. Can't wait to learn its secrets? Its companion training program has been in release for over a year and has become my most popular live workshop - visit my training website at Point of Contact Group for more details.

Meanwhile, stay tuned to http://www.howtotellanyoneanything.com/ for more information on a fresh, new approach to handling your most difficult interactions at work. Here is the catalog copy, courtesy of AMACOM:

How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work by Richard S. Gallagher

No one likes to be criticized. But when feedback is necessary—whether it’s with a boss, someone we manage, or another co-worker—it takes great communication skills to successfully get the message across with feelings and relationships intact.

Drawing from the latest in psychology on how best to connect with others, How to Tell Anyone Anything steers readers away from the common mistake of focusing on what’s wrong, and shows them instead how to provide clear, constructive, positive messages that create real behavior and performance change. Complete with illuminating examples and a unique step-by-step process, the book gives readers powerful insight into how we all react naturally to criticism—and how to transform interactions that might become verbal tugs-of-war into collaborative, problem-solving sessions.

RICHARD S. GALLAGHER (Ithaca, NY) is a popular corporate trainer and public speaker who specializes in the mechanics of workplace culture and communication. He is the author of several books including Great Customer Connections (978-0-8144-7308-5) and What to Say to a Porcupine (978-0-8144-1055-4).

A rare political blog entry

2009-01-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

You’ve probably noticed that I never make political comments on this blog. There is a good reason for this. I respect everyone’s views of the world, and personally consider myself to be apolitical. To paraphrase my old high school classmate and social commentator Stephen Carter, my own views on specific issues are diverse enough that no political party would probably want me.

That said, this week we are not only about to inaugurate our first African-American President of the United States, but the first President since John F. Kennedy who stands out as a great communicator: someone who seems to have the knack of speaking to our interests, acknowledging diverse points of view, and connecting us with our nobler instincts, particularly in a very challenging economic time.

The ability for the words we use to get people to believe in something larger than ourselves is truly magical: I’ve seen it happen in the workplace, as a counselor in training, and now on a much larger scale as we welcome a new leader. And while it has been fascinating to watch this Presidential campaign unfold over the last year, it has been even more fascinating to deconstruct the way Barack Obama speaks to people.

At a more societal level, we have perhaps seen the country finally make a right turn away from an era where fear and negative campaigning determine the outcome of an election, from either party. Hopefully we are starting to learn that the partisans of either stripe that you hear on talk shows and cable news channels are never going to solve our problems, because it is hard to fix anything when you marginalize 49% of the people you are speaking to. Let’s hope for a new era of consensus building, and perhaps on a more personal level, a fresh look at how we speak to each other. Good luck and Godspeed, President Obama.

Raisin box psychotherapy

2008-12-31T13:08:00.000-08:00

My raisins are talking to me.

No, don’t break out the butterfly nets quite yet. What I mean by this is that every morning, I open a box of Sun-Maid raisins and pour them into my oatmeal (click here for the culinary details), and it took me a while to realize that the flap of each box contained some amazingly germane advice to guide my day. In time I have come to realize that many of the lessons I have learned in life, and much of what I am currently learning doing graduate work in psychotherapy, is actually waiting for me every morning at the breakfast table.

Some of this advice mirrors what I heard growing up from my parents, including nuggets like “Do your homework first, play later” and “Work hard. Play fair. Sleep well.” Other tips speak to my nobler instincts, like “Help a friend” and “Keep your hands open, both to receive and to give.” And some of it is understandably raisin-centric, such as “A handful of raisins is like a bunch of smiles in your mouth.”

Drilling deeper into the human psyche, much of this advice actually tracks current trends in psychology, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (“Give it a try”), behavioral modeling (“Study those you admire”), family therapy (“Ups and downs are part of all relationships”), and even bibliotherapy (“Support your local library – take a book to lunch”). And occasionally there is a dollop of pure philosophy (“Both our buddies and our enemies can teach us about life”).

My wife, on the other hand, is a chocoholic who prefers the advice printed on the inside of Dove chocolate candies. The Dove sages are a little less Calvinistic than their raisin counterparts, tending toward advice such as “Give yourself a treat,” “You look good in red,” and “You deserve a bubbebath” – not to mention some occasional advice I would rather she didn’t follow, like “Wink at someone driving past today.” But while the Dove folks certainly get high marks in the feel-good department, I still prefer the raisin d’etre that greets me every morning.

So when I graduate and become licensed as a therapist, I think a career path is starting to emerge: I think I want to become a psychologist for the Sun-Maid raisin company. Do you think they could use another advice-giver on their staff?

A great honor

2008-12-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

I was delighted to hear today that What to Say to a Porcupine is one of four finalists for 800-CEO-READ's 2008 business book awards, in the business fables category. Here is a link to the announcement:

http://800ceoread.com/blog/archives/008608.html

It is a great honor to be in the running for this award, given the caliber of the other finalists - the 13-category field includes people like Richard Branson, Guy Kawasaki, and Ram Charan, and my own category's finalists include bestselling author Daniel Pink as well as a delightful new fable Squawk! that I happen to be reading as we speak.

It is also an honor to be singled out by 800-CEO-READ, which in addition to being a leading on-line seller of business books, has a delightful blog that shows their love of the genre. (This summer they published a very nice review of Porcupine here.) It's nice to read the thoughts of people who really appreciate good books and their power to change lives, while having a good sense of humor in the process.

The awards will be announced December 15th. Keep your fingers crossed!

* * *

An update: I didn't win. The top honors went this year to New York Times bestselling author Daniel Pink for his new book The Adventures of Johnny Bunko: The Last Career Guide You'll Ever Need, an imaginative Manga-fable turned business advice book. I think the judges made a good pick - congrats Daniel, and I was delighted to be one of the finalists.

Dr. Ron Davis, 1956-2008

2008-11-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

The world just lost a truly incredible person this past month. Dr. Ron Davis, a lifelong public health crusader who was most recently president of the American Medical Association, lost a very courageous and public battle with pancreatic cancer at the young age of 52.

I first “met” Ron as part of a teleconference discussing a National Cancer Institute monograph that I was working on as a science writer, a publication series that he was once editor of, and was struck immediately by how high his standards were. Not knowing him beyond this phone call at first, I imagined him as a demanding perfectionist. Later, meeting and working with him in person for several days in Chicago (he is the tall man in the blue shirt on the left), I discovered these high standards were combined with a warm and accessible man who was described accurately by his colleagues as “the nicest person in the world.”

During that meeting last year, he shared with us that he had just been elected president of AMA, and while he probably had the smallest personal ego of any person ever to hold that office, his pride was unmistakable. He clearly relished the opportunity to have a soapbox for the next year as an advocate for the nation’s health, and used it skillfully.

For those of you who don’t know Dr. Davis’s legacy, he was one of the world’s foremost experts on tobacco control, who founded its main professional journal of the same name, and played a key role in public health interventions that have saved tens of millions of premature deaths. As AMA’s president, it was Dr. Davis who delivered their formal apology to black physicians for their past exclusion, tirelessly advocated for better public health (at one point delivering an hour-long lecture from on a treadmill), and set the medical industry further on a path toward universal health care coverage.

On a personal level, it was a treat to listen to someone with Ron’s rare blend of expertise and humility, and I cherished the opportunity. For example, one night at dinner at a Chicago bistro, I started having trouble breathing after eating my appetizer – an issue that would later be diagnosed as food allergies – and started to panic. I soon recovered my bearings again without anyone being the wiser, but remembered my only thought being, “Oh no – I am having a medical crisis and I am sitting next to the president of AMA. What do I do now?” But above all, it was a pleasure working with a truly great man.

Perhaps his greatest final act was making us all part of his illness and its lessons. He shared a very detailed summary of his treatment with friends and colleagues on a blog, encouraged people at risk to have genetic testing for this illness, and kept up a full schedule of speaking and publishing. As his illness advanced, he appeared before the AMA for one speech – now bald from chemotherapy – and spoke in a calm, clear voice that “Our existence, compared with the history of the earth, is quite fleeting. So whether we are ill or well, we should not waste any of that time before figuring out how to leave our mark on this planet.”

Just two weeks before his passing, he still tried to chair a medical conference in his native Detroit, and when the gravity of his condition prevented it, he dictated a message to his colleagues that read in part, “Some of you remember me as a young medical student just beginning my journey. That energetic medical student committed to public health is still a part of me ... You have designated me as a leader, but I tell you honestly that in many ways you have led me. Your concerns and your friendship have guided me through the years. Now I must complete my “circle of life” and go with God.” Vaya con Dios, Dr. Davis.

Hello Asia!

2008-11-17T00:45:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note - I was very pleased to get word this weekend that What to Say to a Porcupine is going to be published in a Korean edition in 2009 through CREDU, an educational division of the Samsung Group.

My books have been published in six languages so far, but this one means a lot to me. Even as an English-language book it has been very popular in Asia so far - for example, this week it is one of the top 15 business humor books in Japan on Amazon, as well as #21 on the customer service chart - and globally, it has been a top 10 business humor book throughout the English-speaking world.

So I'd like to say hwan-yŏng-ham-ni-da (a special welcome) to all of my new friends in Korea! And, of course, looking forward to teaching you all what to say to a porcupine.

We're number two!

2008-11-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

Last week was very special for me – my latest book What to Say to a Porcupine became the number 2 selling customer service book in the United States on Amazon.com, as well as one of the top 10 business humor books worldwide, following a record-setting webcast sponsored by Supportindustry.com and Parature Software that drew nearly 500 people! Thanks to everyone who attended and purchased the book.

Now I’d like to return the favor by making the same offer we made to people who attended my webcast last week: purchase a copy of What to Say to a Porcupine on Amazon.com (click here to order), and receive a complimentary mini-course that will help you use this book as a training tool in your organization.

Featuring student and leaders guides, a PowerPoint presentation, and an electronic copy of one of the book’s fables, you will have all you need to turn your next team meeting into a fun and productive learning event. To get your free copy, simply forward your Amazon.com receipt to info@whattosaytoaporcupine.com.

P.S. If you missed the webcast, tune in anytime to the archived presentation at http://www.parature.com/res_webinars.aspx. Enjoy!

The Whipped Cream Diet

2008-09-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

What does going on a diet have to do with communications skills? Bear with me for a moment, and I'll explain.

Earlier this summer I decided to go on a diet, with a goal of losing 25 pounds and getting back to my high school weight. I am now halfway there, as the before-and-after pics below show. But how I got there struck me as having a lot in common with how we communicate in difficult situations.

You see, most diets involve depriving yourself. Instead of having burgers and fries, you eat things like carrot sticks, skim milk, and thin gruel. And then after a week or a month of this kind of dietary torture, you go off the wagon and balloon back to your previous weight. This is what happened to me last year when I tried a commercial diet plan, I did great as long as I followed the plan, except that I stopped following the plan.

So this year I am doing things a little differently. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, so I am having the most scrumptious breakfast I could imagine – hot oatmeal with milk, raisins, and a big dollop of whipped cream. Yum! Most people don't realize that a big spoonful of whipped cream is only about 40 calories, or about as many calories as I spend scratching my nose.

That yummy breakfast leaves me feeling full, and more than happy to have big salads and small portions the rest of the day. Best of all, I don't feel deprived at all. To the contrary, I feel like I am eating better and enjoying my food more than ever before. Which leads me to how we communicate with people.

When we aren't happy about something, we usually lead with the verbal equivalent of the carrot sticks. We take corrective action, hold people accountable, tell people to get with the program, yada, yada, yada. And we usually get about as far as I did last year on my diet. Because – surprise – no one lays awake at night rapturously pondering your "corrective action."

I say break out the whipped cream. Find out what motivates the other person and help them get there. So when someone is coming in late too often, for example, put it in the context of how they can develop as a leader, not how they can avoid getting written up for disciplinary action. When you use a strength-based approach built around incentives, I find that people's resistance to change melts away as fast as my pounds do.

Think critically about all of the people you have ever worked with who had behavioral issues on the job. Did any of them ever change in the long term because of pressure and disciplinary action? I don't know about you, but in my quarter-century-plus career, those few people who really turned it around did so as a result of someone believing in them, and getting them to believe in themselves. Everyone else - the ones who were simply "held accountable" – either stayed the same or got canned eventually.

My next book for AMACOM, entitled How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work, explores the mechanics of this approach in detail, along with its roots in the growing field of strength-based psychology. If you'd like to be part of my advance team as a potential reviewer, drop me a line at info –at- howtotellanyoneanything.com. This is going to be a very exciting book release.

So with a dozen or so pounds to go, I'm stocking up on more whipped cream. Now, what do you plan to say to someone the next time you want them to improve?

Using Storytelling to Supercharge Your Customer Service Training

2008-08-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

Think back to when you were nine years old, and your mother told you to behave better. Did you listen with rapt attention? Did you run off full of enthusiasm to improve yourself? Perhaps most important, did you actually change your behavior?

The reason that you answered "no" to all of these questions holds the key for how to breathe new life into your customer service training. When you stop telling people how to behave and start stirring their creative juices instead, there is no limit on how far they will lead you.

Most of us immediately get defensive and self protective when someone tells *us* to improve – no matter how quote-unquote correct the other person is – because this is a basic survival instinct we all share. But when we hear a story about someone else's foibles, we listen and learn from it. This is because of a well-known principle of behavioral psychology known as "modeling," which holds that we primarily learn by observing other people.

This principle lies at the root of how we started telling stories. Over 2500 years ago, Aesop's fables were created to teach people life lessons, in the form of funny stories about animals and people. A generation ago, Popeye cartoons helped children to want to eat their spinach. And today, approaches such as narrative psychotherapy help people examine their own life stories and make positive changes.

So how does this apply to your own customer contact team? Simple. Stop telling them what to do better, and get them to work scripting stories about how other people handle customer situations. You'll be amazed at how much energy and creativity they will have in doing something all of us do extremely well: stick our nose in other people's problems and try to solve them.

Nowadays, when I teach a customer skills course, I often follow a three-step process. I share a humorous fable about a customer situation, teach some of the skills that these characters could use to make the situation better, and then turn everyone loose to complete stories of their own. Here are some examples:

1) Once upon a time, there was a fire-breathing dragon who was rude, demanding, and angry– and if anyone ever dared to stand up to him, tongues of fire would shoot from his mouth! But this dragon was also very sad and lonely. No one ever wanted to talk with a fire-breathing dragon, and people would cower behind their desks and counters whenever he came in to buy anything. So one day, you came to the village and said, "I have a great idea for how to deal with this dragon in the future! My idea is ______________"

2) You and your business partners have just pooled your life savings to create your dream job: starting a new garbage dump. But not just any garbage dump. Your goal is to give people the very best garbage dump service experience possible! What can you do to create an excellent service experience for people dumping their garbage?

3) Take the worst customer experience you have ever had. Turn the person who waited on you into a fictional character, and then write your own fable about how this character learned to do things better. Have fun!

This last exercise is particularly important, because no one wants to hear about improving their own attitude or courtesy, but when they start examining bad experiences from the other side of the counter – and put their problem-solving skills to work – a valuable learning moment takes place. So try using stories yourself to put the creativity of your own team front and center in your training. Soon you will find that story time isn't just for grade school anymore, and more important, you will watch your performance soar.

What to Say to a Porcupine: A global hit!

2008-08-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

It has now been a little over a month since the release of What to Say to a Porcupine, particularly in overseas markets, and I am proud to report that this week it reached the top 10 on Amazon's business humor list in the United Kingdom. This combines with a top 20 showing on the US business humor list, and rave reviews from thought leaders in industry.

For example, the influential Peppers and Rogers Group recently noted on their blog that "With a fairly high chuckles-to-learning ratio, Porcupine is easily one of the more charming business books out there at the moment," and 1-800-CEO-READ declared that "This book is great for any company that needs a little kick-start or even a reminder of how customer service should be like. It's thought-provoking in a very interesting way! I hope when you get a copy - or even copies for your whole staff - you'll enjoy it!"

Also, this week marked the first live training program for What to Say to a Porcupine, and it garnered rave reviews from everyone who attended. Here are just a few of the comments:

"I've attended and taught customer service techniques in many settings, and Rich is a vast recourse with fresh, genuine information! Let's do this program over and over - what a great avenue down the path of success!"

"Acknowledging, validating, and paraphrasing customers' feelings are my new goals and mantra"

"Rich Gallagher is an excellent facilitator, and the workshop was fun and enlightening."

"I would recommend this workshop to anyone who is a customer service representative."

This book - and training program - was designed from the ground up to dramatically change your team's customer skills, using the latest principles of human communications, in the most fun and enjoyable way possible. In the near future, a companion training kit (see the postcard above) will be released and promoted nationwide. And of course, I am delighted to come speak and train for your team - and guarantee you will never look at prickly customers the same way again!

To nibble a nosh for free, visit WhatToSayToAPorcupine.com for a downloadable sample chapter, and stay tuned for a free mini-course in the very near future. Enjoy!

Thoughts on the Beijing Olympics

2008-08-11T20:00:00.001-07:00

It has been fascinating to watch this year's Beijing Olympics so far - not only the games themselves, but the spectacular opening ceremony and the media run-up about what it is like in modern China today.

Whatever you may think about China politically, it will always have a warm spot personally in both my heart and my family's history. Not long after China first took its first tentative steps toward the West with ping-pong diplomacy and Richard Nixon's visit over a quarter century ago, my late father was part of one of the first US scientific delegations to China, and soon afterward I took a sabbatic from my software job to teach at a Chinese university as part of World Bank development project.

As someone who grew up during the Cold War hearing about the evils of Communism, I went behind the Iron Curtain with a mix of excitement and trepidation - after all, this was a country that sent many academics off to forced labor during the Cultural Revolution, and still denounced my homeland as a bunch of imperialists - and the trepidation part didn't get any better my first morning in Beijing (Peking back then), flinging back the drapes of my hotel room and seeing a massive sea of people in identical "Mao suits" commuting to work on their bicycles.

At the same time, it was tremendously exciting to be part of what I felt was a wave of history. To go in the first place, we had to undergo a lengthy approval process from both governments and study State Department briefing materials. And to stay there, particularly as a visiting professor, I had to show a great deal of respect for a country that was very different from our own. Except for the occasional faint BBC broadcast on my shortwave radio, it was an immersion in a totally different culture.

This trip was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, and it reaffirmed the obvious but often unappreciated fact that people are people everywhere. Our hosts could not have been more gracious, people came up to us frequently to get to know us and practice their English (even at times grasping at my clothes to see what I wore), and we could not step on a bus without every Chinese soldier jumping to his feet and insisting that Colleen take his seat. Most important, I got to know a great many Chinese as warm, welcoming people who cared about us at a personal level.

My sabbatic was a flurry of lectures, meetings, impromptu tourism, and a different way of life. For example, we were packed off in tour vans every Wednesday because power was shut off at the university, our laundry was laid out to dry on a grass courtyard by old Chinese ladies, and one afternoon I even watched brand new IBM PCs being loaded off a horse-drawn cart. But what I will remember most were the people who treated us like old friends, and were as curious about us as we were about them.

Perhaps my fondest memory was my "Elvis Presley" lecture. Every morning they taped my classes, and played Western elevator music on the cassette recorder beforehand thinking it would make me feel at home. One day I decided to show them what real American music was like, and brought a cassette of Heartbreak Hotel. As I explained the lyrics and the vagaries of American romance gone bad, everyone burst out laughing, particularly as I described Elvis and wiggled my hips to demonstrate.

Afterward they wanted a tape of my music, and I agreed on one condition - that they give me a tape of their favorite music in return. What I got was a tape of the sweetest, most poignant Chinese opera I have ever heard, with the admonition that "whenever you listen to this, to always remember your friends in China." Today this music, and memory, still brings a lump to my throat.

Nowadays as I watch the Olympics, I barely recognize a country that now has five-star hotels, gourmet food, and a growing middle class that drives cars, buys houses, and uses their credit cards like we do. A country that is now one of the largest markets for McDonalds and Buicks. A country whose energy and talents, in my mind, transcend whatever geopolitics are talked about on television. And above all, a country with many people I consider friends. I wish them a great Games.

Hiram Bullock 1955-2008

2008-07-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

Colleen and I have literally thousands of albums, tapes and iTunes tracks between us, but there are only two artists who are so incredible that I buy nearly every thing they have ever done. One is Tower of Power – see my post here about them – and the other is a guitarist most of you have never heard of, by the name of Hiram Bullock. I just heard the sad news today that Hiram passed away this past week.

Hiram Bullock was, quite simply, the most electrifying jazz guitarist ever to grace the planet. In his early years, his high energy kick-in-the-afterburners guitar solos would practically melt your speakers. Later, his forays into straight jazz, funk, and R&B had an intelligence, texture, and even wit that you rarely find in a solo artist.

I first heard Hiram’s music nearly 20 years ago, on a jazz countdown show, doing a version of Sam Cooke’s “You Send Me” with a piercing guitar solo, a three-foot-thick bass line, and Al Jarreau on vocals. I was hooked instantly, picked up a copy of his album “Give it What U Got,” and proceeded to have it blasting away on my car stereo for months. Later on a business trip to Pittsburgh, I saw him on stage for the first of many times, and never saw so much energy coming out of one guitarist.

What made Hiram what he was, however, wasn’t just raw power but intelligence and complexity. His music was textured with incredibly tasty chord sequences, clever intros and outros, and sidemen who fit him like a glove. Listening to his music was like biting into a seven-layer brownie with lots of treats inside. If he wasn’t a musician – and he noted proudly once on his website that he spent his entire life making his living in music – he probably could have been a rocket scientist for NASA.

So why wasn’t he more famous? Perhaps because he was a mutt. His body of work had enough jazz, funk, rock, and R&B to be part of each of these genres, and yet never be fully one of any of them. He had no lack of credentials, being the barefoot guitarist on the David Letterman show for years, and a respected sideman whose credits were a mile long. But in a world that speaks in hushed, reverent tones about jazz guitar purists like Pat Metheny, and rewards hip-hop artists with multimillion dollar contracts, Hiram’s music was a refreshing oasis that defied both convention and airplay.

None of this mattered to me, of course. I eagerly devoured everything he ever put out – often ordering autographed copies from the source itself – and went to shows that rocked with so much energy that I thought the stage would explode. (And, as you can see above, I even got to meet Hiram and get a picture with him at the Rochester Jazz Festival a few years ago. Some of my other pictures from that show now grace his website.) According to another blog comment, he was apparently still playing - and rocking the house - the week before he died, and I can’t believe he’s gone. Rest in peace, Hiram.

Midlife crisis resolved – for now

2008-07-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Faithful readers of this blog may remember that I wanted to spend my “author” income on a proper midlife crisis, specifically a down payment on a white sports car. My first choice and the car I’ve wanted since childhood, the Ford Mustang, was a no-go because its curvy windshield gives me a headache after about an hour behind the wheel.

Since then I’ve been too busy to think about cars, until now, because the lease on my Honda Accord was coming to an end – and as the drumbeat of end-of-lease letters and even phone calls from Honda were starting to increase dramatically, things were getting to the point where I had to buy *something*, even if it was my old car. So I finally managed to squeeze out from behind my desk with the missus and look at cars last weekend.

My first stop was a BMW dealer, and to my surprise, I wasn’t impressed. Short, hard seats in a heavy car that indeed goes way too fast, for way too many Euros. Then came one just for fun, the Chevy HHR, a car I’ve rented and enjoyed before. Unfortunately, my wife doesn’t want to be driving around in something that looks like a 1940s milk truck for the next five years. We even checked out another same old same old Honda Accord, like I’ve been driving for much of the last two decades, and its great new styling for 2008 unfortunately couldn’t overcome a passenger seat that was a hard as a park bench. (I spend a lot of time in the passenger seat of my own car, writing on my laptop on business trips and weekend jaunts while my sweetie drives.)

So finally, I went to a Volkswagen dealer and tried out the Jetta for the first time in many years, and – wow – it was love at first sight. Slot-car handling, a nice firm ride, supremely comfortable seats, and its SE model is loaded with everything I ever wanted in a car: heated leather seats, sunroof, satellite radio, MP3, ABS, a zillion air bags, and a 10 (!) speaker premium stereo. Its 170 HP engine, based on a Lamborghini design, zips around nicely in traffic. And it is a beautiful white car, just like I imagined.

The one and only twinge in my decision was whether I should upgrade to the turbocharged Wolfsburg edition of the Jetta, giving me near-BMW performance for only a grand or so more. (Remember, this is supposed to be a proper midlife crisis.) Unfortunately, it has a couple of gotchas. First, it requires premium gas, adding a few hundred more a year to my car expenses. Second, and more important, it only comes in dull colors that seriously need more Prozac – grey, black, and silver – as well as a garish fire-engine red. The dealer was kind enough to let me take one home, and looking at it in my driveway, the thought of driving a dull grey car for five years was a showstopper. I’ve already been through the dull grey car phase of my life, thank you.

So now I have my white sports car – sort of. I love it. Now, back to writing.